


I Will Change

by UnitedFandoms



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BoyxBoy, Eating Disorders, Emotional Levi, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Mytagsarelamesorry, Self-Harm, Suicide, Yaoi, bad-pasts, depressed-Eren, erenxlevi - Freeform, ereri, fast-build, levixeren - Freeform, lots of cliffhangers, not a lot of smut, pro-recovery, riren - Freeform, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 20:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 49,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3302948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnitedFandoms/pseuds/UnitedFandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is a 17 year old junior who has lost his parents and suffers from depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and self harms. He has begun attending Trost Secondary School, but on his first day he is already beaten up by Levi Ackerman, the heart-throb of the school and best friends with the lead quarterback, and Eren's worst acquaintance Erwin Smith. He bullies Eren on day one but from then on starts falling for the boy. Everything goes good for them, like there isn't any problem... but there is. Eren isn't sure if he wants to recover, can he get help when he needs it most though?</p><p>(Note: I post this story to my Wattpad more than here. It's only here for my friend because she doesn't like wattpad so if you want more current updates go look it up there. It's the exact same title and everything.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! So this is my first actual fic that isn't a one shot. It's not a slow build but nothing interesting happens until chapter 5 but if you skip you'll be confused. Anyways enjoy (:

"Have a good day Eren!" My aunt Carla called to me as I got out of our small red Prius. "Its fine, you won't die, it's just a new school, nothing more." I was given a reassuring smile.

I didn't reply, I just shut the door sharply but when she pulled away I glanced to the car moving away. I turned to my new prison for the next 7 months;  _Trost Secondary School_ , what a dumb name. I pulled my sleeves down to be an extra inch over my hands and trudged through the pale grey doors and looked around me in the hallway. There was no one there, just an empty aisle of blue lockers and pointless posters. The floor was a yellow/ beige and the lockers had various scratches over them, probably from years of use. I took my schedule out and looked at it to find my locker number,  **420**. I chuckled to myself ' _Ha, good thing I like drugs_ '. I opened it and put in my books, first hour had already begun 30 minutes ago but I figured with only 27 more left I could just wander around. I looked at my schedule to see I had math second hour, just great. I started walking to the room, but couldn't find it anywhere, then I ran into what felt like the wall.

"What the fuck?" He turned.

My heart was racing and everything in me was screaming "Run fool!", but my body failed to even twitch. I looked up to the boy I ran into to see his expression which, thank god, was one of boredom. He had a pale complexion and blond hair what was a little long..

"I-I'm s-so-sorry, I didn't me-mean to do th-that." I stuttered expecting him to shove me or to spit slurs at me. He didn't do any of that.

"It's fine" He said taking the paper and book I had dropped. "You're in room 118 this hour but seeing as there is only 10 minutes left, I take it you won't go to that class, so that makes your second hour... in 213. I'll take you there." He stuck his hand out to help me up, which I didn't accept. I had been dropped enough times to know never to accept that act.

He brushed off my act of defiance and started to the stairs, we walked in silence until we got to the top of the steep steps, then he spoke up to me.

"I'm Armin by the way, Armin Arlert." He held out a hand.

"I-I'm Eren Jeager." I whispered, my heart was beating so hard I heard it in my ears.

"Well here it is, math with Mr. Bodt. Good luck." He smiled wide with ghost white teeth, part of me thought he was imaginary and I had accidently forgotten to take my pills today. The bell rang, pulling me from my thoughts and he walked off. I opened the door and walked in, I was told there was no assigned seats so I took on in the back of the room in the corner. No one came to me, no one even looked at me for the entire class, but passing period was another situation.

I saw a scrawny little kid being harassed and shoved into a locker by a short boy. He had on a plain red shirt and black jeans It was awful to see that happening with no one to do anything, so me being the idiot I am decided to be a hero... kind of.

"Leave him alone." I said, as I began to tremble, but kept a straight face.

"Shut up bitch, mind your own business." Another boy said, I took to be a football player by his jersey and how he was built. He was a lot taller than the other boy. The shorter teenager turned from throwing the other child into the locker, who ran off quickly, and faced us. He looked at me and I realized how handsome he was. He had short raven coloured hair and deep grey eyes. These contrasted well with his pale skin tone which showed how his muscles curved, he wasn't too built but he was definitely muscular.

"You want to take his place damn brat?" He slyly said, as if it was a pickup line.

"No." I was shaking so badly, "but would you like to not be a dick?" I forced myself to say with a tone of sass.

"Huh, you must be new. Well here's a little tip," He punched me hard in the face, right over my left eye. "Don't piss me off." He walked away with his friends.

I went to the bathroom to see a bruise was already forming and sat there until lunch. I cried and cried. ' _God damn it Eren! Why the Hell can't you ever be_ normal  _and just blend why do you always put yourself out there when you know what is going to happen._ ' I was screaming in my head. It was true, in elementary school I was always teased for how I looked and how I had only the "special" kids for friends. In middle school I defended some kid who was being beat up, which earned me a broken nose and a sprained wrist. It got worse from there on, I had terrible depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and minor Bi-polar disorder. I was a fuck up in the world's eyes, and it only got worse. I lost my family in a car crash 4 months ago and was sent to my aunt. My life really sucked.

The bell for lunch rang and I just wanted to leave. I was walking out of the bathroom debating how hard it would be to just walk out of the school but then I ran into someone. ' _This is the second damn time Eren_ '. I looked up to see who it was, and low and behold it was him. The damn kid I just got away from, and he was mad.


	2. Drop Everything and Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha this sucks, sorry. But I promise it will get better, this is my first actual fic so bear with me?

_*_ **_TRIGGER WARNING READ WITH CAUTUON_ ** _*_

        I sat on the floor stunned as I heard the crashing of books on the cold tile. I glanced over to see his books had fallen to the ground. I stood up and went to back away when suddenly I was grabbed. I tried to break away, but I realized it was no use; the boy who held me was the one from earlier who was helping him beat up the scrawny child. 

"Pick them up." He waved his hands to the books. His friend let me go a little so I could grab them, I, being the idiot I always am, didn't move.

"N-no." I said standing my ground.

"Tch, brat" He said and without warning he punched me in the gut. I fell to the ground with a gasp of pain.

        His friend grabbed his books and began walking away, but his kid didn't leave. I was terrified for what he was going to do by the way his eyes were glaring at me. 

"You better learn quick kid, don't do anything stupid." He spit out of his mouth.

"Alright you're tough, we get it Levi. Let's go!" His friend called from down the hall.

        He turned on his heel and began walking away, but not before sparing me one more hate-filled glare. I got up and half-limped half-walked to the bathroom. I sat in a stall and searched my bag for my pills, and to my stroke of luck found none. I went to my Plan B instead and pulled out the small piece of silver metal. I slipped it horizontally over my wrist and watched as little beads of red appeared. I felt calmer as a shiver ran over my body. I ran my fingers over the little pink and white lines that lined my wrist ever so perfectly. It may sound like I was proud, but I wasn’t. I was disgusted, but at this point I did anything to feel in control. 

        I thought back to the kid Levi.  _Levi._  He would've been fairly attractive, if he wasn't such a dick. His raven hair had a perfect undercut and his perfectly symmetrical silver eyes glowed like the colour the sky had when it storms, blending well with his pale skin. It would send anyone crazy for him. He looked like my sister, too.

 _Oh Mikasa._  I thought to myself and back to that night. Tears rose to my eyes and snaked out, down a path on my cheeks. In seconds the scene played in my mind, the car, the rain, the crash, the blood. It was all my fault too. It's not like I meant to kill them but the road was so wet and slippery our car lost track. My dad was yelling at me, my mum was passed out in the backseat with Mikasa next to her trying to calm me and Dad down.  I hadn't realized my foot pressing harder and harder on the accelerator; then when it was too late to turn, we hit something hard. No... Not we...  _I_  hit something hard.  _I_  killed them. My mums head had slammed into the window, Mikasa flew forward and her head hit the seat in front of her so hard her neck had snapped. Dad went to the windshield. I was told I had hit the steering wheel.

        I was about to remember everything else but the bell rang again, pulling me from all the memories. I looked at my watch and the schedule. It was 1:13, time for last hour. I had been transfixed with my flashback for over an hour. I wiped my cheeks and pulled down my sleeves. Standing shakily I walked out to see no one in here so I checked myself in the mirror. My eyes weren't as red as expected and my hair and cheeks were normal. I stared to music class, my favorite of all classes.

        I walked in to see everyone there. I glanced over the room, no one was looking at me thank god. The teacher Mrs. Ral told me to take any seat. I saw only one seat open and low and fucking behold it was next to that fucking prick,  _Levi fucking Douchebag_.


	3. I Guess We're Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again short sorry and may be triggering so watch out. (Sorry I suck at these notes, I've never really used them before).

_***AUTHORS NOTE: Sorry last chapter was super short! I had terrible writers block, but this one can make up for it I swear*** _

        I took a deep breath and pulled my sleeves down harder. I walked over and sat down by the desk. 

"Hey." He spoke softly. I looked around to see if he was talking to me or someone else. "Yeah, you. Hi." He said pointing at me with a pale finger. 

"What the hell do you want?" I tried to sound mad, but I was a little scared of him.

"Just wanted to say sorry for punching you so hard." He held a hand out, but I heard his friend snickering a few seats up.

"You're full of it." I spat and faced the board.

"Tch, whatever." He said. 

        Then Mrs. Ral decided to start talking to us about some partner projects we had to do. The rules were simple, have a partner, choose a music topic, do a project. It seemed very simple and easy, people were already mumbling and pointing to be partners when she interrupted them.

"And I have chosen people for you! Just so no one is left out! You will have no say, you hate your partner? Deal with it. So the list is as goes" She mumbled off names until the last set, "Last group is Eren Jaeger and Levi Ackerman."

I looked over to see he had the same look of annoyance. She let us get to work with our partners, but we both just sat there. He decided to speak up first.

"So... what should our project be?" He had a look with no emotion.

"I don't care really whatever you want it to be, I guess." I looked at the floor because I didn't know what to do. 

"You're useful." He said as the bell rang. 

        I got up and almost ran out of the school and walked to the library where I had gotten a job, my addiction to drugs and harm was expensive so I needed money. I punched in and went to stack books. Everything was going well for the first 30 minutes of my shift, then I heard a voice. 

"So you must be the new kid." It was his voice, sure enough when I turned there he stood.

"I guess." I went back to stacking books.

"I meant it." He suddenly said.

"What?"

"When I said I was sorry, I meant it. I didn't know you were already hurting."

"I'm not." I tried to sound confident as I got off my ladder and went to put the cart away in the back. "I gotta go... you know, put this away." I started to the back, or the catacombs as other people called it.

"I'll go with." He followed. 

_Shit I'm going to die. He really is coming_. I started having an anxiety attack and I walked to put the cart away. I slid it into its place in a dark corner. I turned and walked past Levi. I was going to keep walking back when he spoke again.

"I saw you in the bathroom crying." He sounded a little uneasy.

        Everything around me seemed to stop, frozen in fear. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. My whole world just shattered.  _What if he told people? How much did he see?_  Questions kept racing. I wanted to face him and I wanted to just run away and not look back, I couldn't think, but my legs could move. I was going to run when he grabbed my arm tight and made me face him. I was shaking like a leaf. My nerves registered that he grabbed my fresh cuts and I winced, it was small and no normal person would see it; Levi did, he loosened his grip but didn't let go.

"What's wrong?" His eyes wide with concern. I was speechless. 

"Nothing. I'm fine." I tugged my arm loose and walked out, my shift ended 5 minutes ago so I punched out and left the library. I didn't turn in fear he was there. 

        I walked to a small cafe about 10 minutes from the library. There was only one or two people in there so I bought a small coffee and sat in the corner away from the window. It was fairly dim and no one was around. I sipped at my black coffee, knowing adding sugar and creamer would only mean calories and calories mean fat. I pulled out my phone and saw my Aunt texted me.

**One New Message: Carla 4:02 PM**

_Eren, I will be out late tonight due to work. I will be home after midnight. Be safe, eat dinner and get some sleep. Love you x_

I put my phone down when I heard the bell to the door of the shop opening. I glanced to see Levi, emotionless as ever as he bought his coffee. As he held it his eyes scanned the room and landed on mine.  _Please don't come over here. Please don't come over here._ He walked closer to me and my breathing sped up.  _Pleasedon'tcomehere. Pleasedon'tcomehe-_. 

"Hi." He said sitting across from me.

"H-hi." I stuttered looking for an escape line to the door. 

He drank his coffee but never stopped looking at me. I was just about to stand when he spoke up. 

"Want to go to the park with me? It's nice out." He was asking like I was a genuine friend.

"U-uh n-no." I was scared he was just playing nice to hurt me. It wouldn't be the first time either. "I got t-to leave a-actually." I stood and walked to the door. 

        I got out into the air and heard a small voice behind me.

"Please?" 

I looked at him, he looked bored but I would've felt bad.

"Fine." 

        We went to the park and sat in the grass, he cursed and mumbled on about how dirty it was but sat down nonetheless. We had small talk and I realized he wasn't that bad. We did a 20 questions kind of thing where we asked the basic stuff; where we were from, birthdays, basic shit we liked. It turns out he was a senior but he too was 17 until December. He was from France but moved to California when he was in 7th grade. I was telling some stupid puns that earned a small chuckle. I didn't realize he was scooting closer to me until his head was on my shoulder. I blushed a little and then got worried.  _Shit I can't get a crush on him. No I can't do that again, if anyone finds out I'm gay I am royally fucked._  Then he asked the question I was most worried about, why I was here.

"So, why do you live with your Aunt? Like what about your parents and stuff?" He didn't mean to sound harsh but in my head I heard a little voice.  _He knows._

A sudden change in the atmosphere fell onto us and the tension rose. I glanced to my watch,  **6:28 PM** , I can always lie. 

"Oh shit it's almost 6:30! I have to go." I jumped up and went to get my bag.

"Is everything okay?" He now sounded worried for me. Maybe that was just me though, why would he care?

"Y-yes!" I said far too quickly to be the truth. I swung my bag over my shoulder and took to leave when he stood. 

"Let me walk you so I know you're safe!" He tried following me but I tried to leave.

        To stop me he grabbed my bag and my little "Emergency Kit" fell. I hoped he didn't see it or look down because it was half open and its contents show a little. I went to grab it, but he beat me to that. 

"Okay fine, maybe tomorrow we could-" He cut himself off and looked at what he was giving back to me. The blood drained from his face and I was frozen.  _Now he really knows, you fuckup._


	4. The Secrets are Gone

        I grabbed for the box and threw it into my bag. I could feel tears dripping over the waterline and I couldn't move. His faced he looked so worried and scared for me.  _Actually he's scared_ of _you. You do that shit to yourself? He must think you're disgusting!_  The voice returned to my head.

"I-I have to go!" I turned to run for the second time today, but something pulled me back.

"Why do you have those?" He whispered to me. I looked up at his facial expressions again. His thin eyebrows had furrowed causing creases to appear in his forehead. His lips were in a tight line.  _Fuck what do I say? I can try to run again._  I pulled away a little but his hand stayed in place, not pushing my cuts or anything, just firmly wrapped over my thin wrist. He turned my hand a little and I thought he was going to pull up my sleeve. He brought his other hand up slowly and I flinched but saw a marker. He wrote something down and let me go.

"There's my number, call me please." He looked nervous to leave me.

I didn't reply I just stood there stunned. Once I registered what happened I turned and ran like the devil was on my heels. I barged through my front door and bolted upstairs to my bathroom. I burst into a full blown panic attack; I was shivering and crying and I couldn't breathe. I heard screaming and pounding but I couldn't place them from anyone else. I looked into the mirror to see it was me screaming and punching the counter. I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed my blade and sat in the corner. I was so unstable I just slashed over and over, never in the same spot. I calmed down as soon as I saw the red coating over my arm. None of them were deep enough to kill me, but they were all over me. 

         _You deserved this. You're a_ ** _murderer._**  The voice was in my head again.  _You didn't even care! You're worthless, nothing!_  It screamed at me. I shook my head hard and screamed. I remembered that night all over again. This time nothing stopped me from remembering the ambulance and the officers pulling away my destroyed family members. I grabbed at the little blade and focused. 1 cut 2 cuts 3. That was it because I remembered Levi's face, the way he looked so worried. The way he seemed to care. It was lie though, it always was.

I cleaned up and went to my room and dropped onto the bed. I glanced at my clock 2:01. I had been freaking out for over 4 hours, that wasn't anything new though. I let sleep steal me away from my living nightmare to the one that always tormented me, the one where I got to relive that night over and over. 

                                ---The Next Day--

"Eren time for school! Let's go!" I groaned and sat up. I looked at my wrist and sighed. I didn't need gauze so that was good, that shit was expensive so I just slipped into my normal black hoodie. I gathered up my school stuff, realizing I didn't do my school work but I didn't mind. I crammed my kit to the bottom so it didn't fall again. I went downstairs and got some coffee, using a grunt to answer my aunt’s questions about my night.

"Well I'll get the car keys and we can get going." She smiled at me.

"Uh... I'll just walk. It isn't that far." I said going out the door.

        School was only 15 minutes’ walk, which was a nice touch I needed this morning. I thought about how Levi had been nice to me yesterday and it made me wonder why he decided suddenly I wasn't a twerp for him to bully. I got to school earlier than planned today so there was a lot of people. I liked arriving at the bell so I don't wait around and have anxiety. I went to my locker and saw that at the end of the hall there he was, his friend was pushing some kid around while he sat there emotionless. I opened my locker and went to grab books and such when I felt someone next to me. I glanced up and saw Armin was there smiling at me. 

"Hey Eren!" He said pretty loud. 

"Hi, Armin right?" I was nervous I forgot his name.

"Yeah man, how's it going?" 

"It's decent, school's a bit lame, got punched in the face", I gestured to my bruised eye, "but it was alright."

"Man who did that? Wait, let me guess Levi?" 

"Yeah, how did you-"

"He does that to a lot of people, but he normally chills out after a few days so he probably won't do it again. I'd just avoid him. Hey! I forgot to tell you we have lunch together, we should sit together." He beamed at me.

"S-sure. Where should we meet?" I had never sat with someone at lunch before.

"I'll just go to your class, I gotta go. Bye!" He jogged off and waved.

        I smirked at his energy and happiness. I wish I couldn’t have those. I sighed grabbing everything else I needed for class when a silky voice came out of nowhere making me jump.

"Damn he has a shit-ton of energy."

Levi was here, just him. Everyone else had either gone to class or just stayed outside. Great.

"Y-yeah. H-he does." I stuttered out.

"So how are you brat?" He asked me.

"One, I'm not a brat and two, I'm fine." I closed my locker and began to walk off.

"You never called me, were you really okay?" His voice hinted at concern but was mostly flat with boredom.

"I was fine, okay?" I spat it out, wanting this conversation to be over. 

"You didn't look fine." His face still held that emotionless look.

"I. Was. Fine. Why do you even care anyways? You beat me up my first day here." I snapped at him.

"Look brat I have this reputation at this school, but forget it. And why do I care? I don't know I just do."

"Well stop, it isn't any use." I walked off without listening to anything else he said.

        I avoided Levi for the rest of the day. Lunch came around and Armin dragged me off to sit with him and a few other people. There was Sasha, she was…different. She just pulled out a potato and ate it. Another person was Connie, he was a laid back kid who just sat there mostly. Finally there was Jean, or as I call him Horse-face. Seriously the kid looked half horse and was an ass (Ha puns) but we hated each other mutually almost instantly. Music class came around and when we were sent to work in groups I ignored everything he tried to say and refused to respond. 

"Alrighty class, well the bell is about to ring so go ahead and pack up!" Mrs. H mentioned to us. The class filled with noise of back-packs opening and mutters of boredom.

"I work today." Levi said suddenly. He hadn't spoken since the first half of class. 

"Okay." I stood and left as the bell rang.  _Great, I work too._ I felt him follow me.

"Can we talk?" He asked me as we walked off campus.

"About?" I tried to speak in a monotone.

"Yesterday." He said bluntly and sighed.

"No." I said as we walked into the library and checked myself in. I walked away and separated us for about 45 minutes, I had gone 3/4 of my shift without him. I went to the catacombs to put away a few old books. When I walked in I actually took in the area around me. It was a small room, maybe 15' by 15'. There was an automatic timer on the lights unless you switched it off. There was a small chair in the dim corner and books were stacked up everywhere. I put my books down but grabbed a random one from another pile and sat in the chair. I began to read until the lights switched off. 

      The story I read was about a girl who was lost in her life and didn't have much left. She had lost everyone around her to a rare disease and she was worried she'd die alone. She went on a search for true love but never had luck. The lights shut off just as she had met someone. Part of me yearned to turn them back on to see what happened, but the other part wanted to sit there and think about my own life. 

One quote stuck in my head for a while.  _"You act strong, even when you're falling apart because you believe that how you act is what you become. You think acting strong will make you strong, but will it really?"_ I whispered it aloud to myself over and over. It felt like it had only been a few minutes, but then I was blinded when the lights abruptly turned on. 

"There you are!" I glanced up and saw Levi standing there, "I thought you had left, we’ve been off for 5 minutes." I glanced at my watch,  **3:20 PM**. I had been in here for 35 minutes. 

"Oh, n-no. I was j-just p-putting these b-books away but I found some new ones a-and I g-got c-carried away." I stuttered out. I always stuttered around him.

 "Well, now that you're here in a corner and can't run; we are going to talk." He said it matter-of-factly, and god damn it made me scared.


	5. A Kiss Can Silence the Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so the Ereri starts here, but it's not so good

        I glanced up at the short boy who towered above me as the chair was fairly low. His expression held no emotion, but something in his eyes hinted to something; was it worry? Anger? Annoyance? I honestly couldn't tell.

"We don't have to, seriously I'm fine I swear-"

"Shut it brat. We are going to discuss what happened yesterday, like it or not." He dismissed my attempt to brush it all off. 

"Someone might come in here though and that would be bad." I tried to talk my way out of this.

"No one comes back here only you and I have the keys to the back." He said blandly.

        I moved to leave anyways when he pushed me down and I fell on the floor with a thump and a small "oof". He sat in front of me, sighing and mumbling about the filth. It wasn't all that dirty to me but seeing as I hadn't been caring enough about cleanliness lately I wasn't fazed by it. I looked anywhere but at Levi, but the longer I avoided eye contact the more he began to glare; it got so bad I was shifting every few seconds and it felt like his eyes bore into my soul. I only made it 2 minutes before I looked to the raven haired boy with an expression of "I'm fucking bored so can I go?"

"Why?" I finally broke our silence.

"Because," There was a pause "I'm worried about you kid."

"Why? I'm fine I swear, so you can just go back." I looked deeper into his eyes and found nothing, no real emotion was even glazed over them.

"Why did you have those?" He asked me. Now in most cases I would've been a smart ass and asked " _What do you mean?_ ” I didn't because I knew what he was talking about and I didn't want to hear the words " _You're razors_ " come out of his mouth. 

I fell silent, debating on a good lie and found none so I had to tell a really shitty one.

"I use them for art, like to scratch canvases and such." I made the words flow like the truth, but they stung as much as any lie.

"That's bull and you know it. They had blood on them still for fucks sake." He snapped at me, not harshly just like a friend would when you talk down on yourself. 

"That's the truth, really." I tried to convince him but the voice in my head said otherwise. " _That's the life, really_ ".

        It was silent for a moment. And another. Then one more. I spent the time studying him; I studied the way his sharp features were pointed at the perfect places and smoothed at the right ones. His whole face was symmetrical and it made me a little excited. I looked to his lips and how soft and small they looked. I could almost lean in and kiss them.  _Eren, don't. You can't get attached to anyone_. I told myself and let the silence return to my head. Then he spoke up.

"You have a weird version of emotions." He said blandly.

"What? What does that mean?" I was confused by his remark. 

"I mean when nobody knows anything about you, you act all tall, secure, almost timid but not quite scared. Then someone comes and tries to come in and figure out what you hide and you become an armadillo almost. You curl up and hide, the little flare in your eyes is extinguished and you shut yourself behind a wall of concrete. It shows who you really are."

"Really?" I breathed a forceful sigh. "And who the fuck am I?"  _A fuck up._

"Shouldn't you know?" He asked, more curious than before, as if trying to dissect my emotions.

I laughed bitterly to myself and put my head back. I wanted to just scream at him or walk away and break every bone in my hand but he'd never let that happen. 

"All I know about myself is I am as lost and confused as an old dog thrown to the streets." I breathed out, sounding as tired as I felt.

There was silence for a few moments, this time there wasn't any tension or anger. It wasn't calm or peaceful, just there. 

"Why?" His voice was as soft as a feather landing on the cold hard ground, he was a feather and I was concrete. 

"Why what?" I asked him looking into his eyes, they were filled with wonder, not in a joyous way but one which he was examining me. He looked as if he was trying to find where his question would hit the wall I made over my heart.

"Why do you hate yourself? Why do you do it to yourself?" His voice was still light.

I flinched inside. I didn't want to open the gate to my past, I didn't want to give him a gun to shoot the lock and I most definitely didn't want him anywhere close to the wall guarding my emotions. I lied again. 

"My aunt might be wondering why I'm not home yet, I should go." I avoided his question as gracefully as I could. 

"It's only 4:30, you told me yesterday you didn't really have curfew either." 

Damn, sometimes I should keep my mouth shut.  _You_ ** _are_** _an idiot_   _anyways,_ the voice seethed in my head.

"Shut it." I murmured aloud, forgetting I was still with Levi. 

"What did you say?" He looked up at me a bit confused.

"Nothing." I said pretty quickly. 

 _Oh please, do you_ ** _truly_** _think he cares? He probably just listens to your sobs and tells his friends all about it. You're way too easy._  It kept going on.

"Not true." I muttered.

"Eren." Levi now had worry in his eyes, he was watching me fall apart. "Eren it's okay." I couldn't hear him though, the voice was loud and I could hear my blood pounding in my ears.

 _You're no better than dirt. You're a waste, a murderer. Everybody plays nice because they're scared of you. You're the real monster not the bullies; you deserve it all. Even Clara fears you; she's so nice because she knows you'll kill family!_  It wouldn't stop so it had to stop it myself. 

"I-I'll be right back." I let the words rush out of my mouth as I tried to control my body which I realized was shaking and my breath had hitched as I tried to sound calm. 

       I stood quickly and felt a bit dizzy from such sudden movement. I went to grab my bag off the ground so I could find the bathroom but as I wrapped my clammy fingers around the thick stiff straps a hand gripped my wrist. It hit right over my cuts from the other night and I flinched and let out a small hiss as it cracked the scabs, yet Levi didn't let me go. I would've pulled away but that surely would have opened my scabs and they'd bleed a lot, also it would hurt and raise more questions; not that he didn't already know. Levi wasn't that oblivious.

"Hey, it’s okay." He said calmly, the way you'd talk to an animal when they were scared and you were trying to coax them to you. "Eren, it’s all fine." He tried to get me to move to my original spot where I was sitting. 

"I-I'm sorry. I sh-shouldn't be like th-this." I was shaking so hard I forgot what it was like to stay still, I felt tears being to climb to my waterline and I couldn't fight them down this time. I was having a breakdown in front of the one person I never should have. I never should have taken the car, I never should have moved I never should have come to Oxford. I never should have met up with Levi Ackerman because I was falling for the boy who I had convinced was nothing but a liar to me. I always fell for the wrong people they were always either straight and never returned the feelings or they were abusive and harmful to me. I tried telling myself that he was going to hurt me.  _He hates you, don't get close. You're so gullible Eren, God do you ever learn?_  The voice seethed. He hates me and he'll only hurt me, I can't get close. I didn't realize I was saying these out loud until he broke through to me. 

"Eren, it's okay. I won't hurt you. I promise I'll protect you." He pulled me down to him and held me in a hug. "I asked a bad question I never should have asked; I wasn't thinking. You don't have to tell me now or ever if you don't want to." He released me from the hug but still held my arms, not where any fresh cuts were but just above some scabs so I felt it. I felt the tingle of slight discomfort telling me it was all real; I wasn't dreaming that he was there or that he had held me. It was real.

 _But he_ ** _hates_** _you. You twat you're nothing._  It was growling at me. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I had lost my mind in the anxiety that was clouding my mind so without thinking I whispered to Levi what was wrong.

"It's the voice.” I felt like a mouse in a cat's crate, small and cornered to the face of sure death. Death was not there, it was Levi; in my head though, there was no difference. 

"What do you mean?" He said just as quietly.

"There's... There's this voice in my head. It tells me everything I need to hear a-and it yells at me. I-it just sc-scares me. The only way to st-stop it is to..." I trailed off. Tears were falling out of my eyes as rain comes from a cloud before a storm. I took a deep breath. "It's right though. I'm a mess and just a shattered piece of glass." I don't know why I mentioned the last part; it made me feel as though I was begging for his attention. I looked anywhere but at his soft gaze.

"Eren." He said to me. "Eren look at me."

         I still looked away until I felt a soft hand on my chin pull my head up and I looked into his eyes. My heart skipped a beat and I felt electricity pulse through me, I hadn't felt this way in so long. I hadn't felt like this ever since my crush on this boy Connie from my old school. He was one of the first to shatter me. Levi looked at me different though, he looked at me with care and worry. Connie never did that; he always looked annoyed with me. I felt my cheeks heat up as Levi looked into my eyes.

"Eren, don't ever let the voice control you. You aren't a mess, you aren't perfect; Hell no one is. I'll tell you this though, you're an amazing little brat."

         I wanted two different things to happen. I wanted him to pull me in and kiss me and let the feelings be mutual between us. I wanted him to hug me so much that my shattered emotions could begin to bind. However, at the same time, in the same thought, I wanted him to laugh in my face and to shove me down and beat me up. I wanted to be belittled. I wanted to feel pain. I was terrified because I knew both situations would end with me feeling my own self-hatred, whether it be for being so selfish or being so selfless. 

        Levi must have sensed something as well because after a moment of silence he leaned in, closing the space between us and let his soft lips meet mine. I hesitated for a few seconds, but when I realized he wasn't going to pull away I pushed back onto his mouth. Our mouths moved as if they were made to fit, like the odd puzzle pieces that eventually find the other. His tongue slid over my bottom lip, asking for entrance, which I granted. Our tongues danced and our lips locked perfectly. We pulled back at the same time and looked at each other. I didn't know what to say or even how to hold my expression.

        He was as red as a tomato and I could only assume I looked the same. Does he regret it? God why did I let myself do this. He broke the silence that we let come across again.

"I'm sorry Eren. I-I shouldn't have done that." He looked at me for a quick second and then looked away. His hands fell from my upper arms and he almost looked like he was waiting for me to run. I didn't run, it never even crossed my mind. 

"Hey Levi." I whispered to him.

"Yeah?" He still looked away from me.

"Why did you do that?" I was curious to see if he felt the same to me as I did to him.

"I-I don't know. I like you Eren, I like you quite a bit. But you probably don't feel that way." He muttered the last part and I barely heard it. 

"Want to bet?" I asked, coming out of my little bubble I had spent over an hour building up.

He looked up at that remark with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

"Wha-" He started to say but I cut him off with my own lips and he accepted the kiss as soon as it had started. 

        This time it was shorter than the first, but still held the same emotions. I looked to Levi to see a smirk on his face as he looked at me. 

"You're a tomato." That was all he said and let out a small chuckle.

I checked my watch;  **5:03 P.M**. We had been in here for a little less than 2 hours. 

"You're a midget." I said to myself and thankfully he hadn't heard me. "We should go, it's a little past 5." I said louder this time so he heard me.

"Sure." I stood and pulled him up and we walked out of the library.

        Thankfully we were already punched out courtesy of Levi at the correct time so it wasn't anything suspicious. We went to the small cafe and he got himself a coffee and I just got a glass of water. We talked and laughed a little. We left the cafe at 5:45 and went to the park, this time we just sat there. We watched the sunset and he leaned on me until my phone went off at around 7. I looked at the text sent to me.

**New Message: Carla 7:13 PM**

_Eren, where are you? I want you home by 7:45 understood? See you soon X_

It went off again.

**New Message: Carla 7:15 PM**

_Also I made dinner, I know you don't eat much so you don't have to eat it all. I'm going out with Jeanie until 10. Be good X_.

        I sighed and felt Levi shift off of me; he must've read the texts. He stood and helped me up. For such a small guy he was he was quite strong. 

"Want me to walk you home?" He asked me.

"Do I have a choice?" I said in a joking matter, the answer would be yes anyways.

"Nope. So which way." I started walking towards the house and he followed me side by side. After we left the park I felt something touch my hand, I looked to see it was his own. I helped to intertwine our fingers.

"My house is like 20 minutes’ walk from here." I said to break the silence falling over us.

"Good, means more time to spend with you." He said and slid over so our arms touched as well. "You're really warm." He said to me.

"Well of course do you see how hot I am?" I took a crack at a joke. 

"Maybe it's because you’re so damn tall you're stuck with all the heat that rises." He retorted.

"Ah yes and you're so cold hearted because you're as close to the ground as a bug." I smirked and looked at him, he was only 5 inches shorter than me but I took advantage of that.

He murmured some reply but I didn't hear it. We kept shooting each other sassy remarks and made weird conversation until we were in front of my driveway. It was 7:42 and my aunt's car was gone. I looked at Levi who looked at me with a mixed expression of sadness and his typical "Levi" look which was basically bored. 

"I'll see you tomorrow?" He asked me.

"Of course." Tomorrow was Friday and then we had a 3 day weekend for Labor Day.

He leaned up and kissed me, which I more than willingly allowed.

"You better go inside and eat and such." He said as we pulled apart. "Bye." He pecked my lips and turned

"See you." I said as I walked up the drive way and into the house. 

        I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge seeing dinner on a plate ready to be reheated, but I couldn't bring myself to eat so I just grabbed a bottle of diet coke. I went upstairs to shower and brush my teeth and such things. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door. I removed my clothing and turned on the water for it to heat up. While it did that I looked at myself in the mirror and genuinely looked at myself for the first time in months. I had lost a lot of weight since the accident; my ribs and hipbones stuck out like a starved dog. I has scars and cuts all up my arm and a few on my thighs. I still had the bruises on my stomach from Levi that he gave me a couple days ago. I was a bit mad at myself for letting myself look like this, but at the same time I felt like it was necessary. I sighed again and got into the warm water and showered.

        I got out after about 10 minutes and put a towel on my hips. I took out my intact razor to shave and cleaned up my face. I walked to my room and put on some clothes. I opened my nightstand to grab the bottle of vodka and Ambien. I normally used these to put me to sleep and shut up the little demon inside my head. Before I even took the pills out of the container I realized that ever since Levi had kissed me it was gone. Maybe his kiss had silenced the voice, making it realize for once it was wrong. I crawled into bed and took a couple pills and a shot of vodka anyways, just for safe measures and fell asleep. No dreams came for the first time in 6 months and I was really glad for that.


	6. Welcome to my Mind

        When I woke up the next day I realized I had overslept since it was already 9:47 in the morning. I checked my phone to see a text from Carla.

**New Message: Carla 7:02 AM**

_Eren, I know it's a school day but when I came to wake you up I saw a bottle on_ _Nyquil_ _on your dresser_ _and figured_ _you were ill so I let you sleep. I may have work until late so be good, if you want you can have a friend or two over. Be safe._

        I was glad I kept all those little bottles of stuff for colds and allergies because it made a perfect way to play sick. I used to actually use them to go to sleep, then I got the ability to buy real sleeping pills and alcohol. I went downstairs to grab a diet coke and an apple and retreated to my bed. I slept all the way until 1:45 as I had work at 2:30 and it took 20 minutes to walk there. I got dressed and tried to make myself look decent for someone who did nothing but sleep and left my house around 2. I got to work and punched in. When I went to get the books to stack I saw none were around, the system had been updated and it was a rather slow day. 

        I walked over to the young adult section to look at random books when I heard a voice appear next to me.

"Hey brat." He whispered into my ear.

I jumped which caused me to drop the book I was holding. I bent and picked it up, placing it on the shelf very ungracefully. 

"Hi." I said and looked at Levi.

"So, you weren't at school." He said with a tone that I couldn't quite name, almost like every time he spoke.

"Nope." I said as I leaned against the book shelf.

"Why not?" 

"I didn't want to go." I said like it was obvious.

"Oh. Okay." He sounded a little hurt this time.

 _Yep, he realized that you're such a selfish prick who'd rather sleep than deal_ _with_ _anything that could_ ** _ever_** _benefit you and your life. Good job,_ _Eren._  The voice was back today. I pinched my wrist as it kept going on about how I couldn't do anything right. 

"Levi!" We heard a voice, it sounded familiar to me but I couldn't quite place it until he came over. It was his jock friend who had held me as he punched me my first day. "How's it going man? Why are you over with this dweeb?" He looked at me.

"He's not that bad Erwin, I feel kind of bad for what I did to him." Levi said to his friend.

        Erwin, I remember a boy named Erwin once, this guy even looked like him. That part of my past is one I'd never touch again though. I looked at him more and it hit me; Armin told me about him. Levi's minion but could-be nice guy. He was the second heartthrob, Levi being the first. Every girl just threw themselves at the two. I stood awkwardly while they spoke about some weird topic that I hadn't cared to listen in on. I realized I was just the background to his main life, the "side-bitch" as it could be called.  _See, he doesn't even want to include you. You're his second choice. He's just using you to pass time, I don't see why I mean look at you! You're a fucking_ _wreck._  The voice was yelling to me. 

        I slipped away subtly and went to the back. As soon as I shut the door I couldn't breathe, the voice swarming me with its venom and it allowed the images to appear. Somehow I had lost it. I had a razor in my pocket always for emergencies and I tried and tried to talk my way out of it. I stood and paced the small room, pulling at my hair and whimpering out my cries, biting my lip as to not make much sound. I couldn't take it. The voice, the memories, the truths, the lies. It was too much; I threw myself into the corner and pulled out the thin piece of metal. I slipped my sleeve up and let it glide over my wrist. It was only 2 slices but each had a decent depth to it; they weren't worthy of stitches but I needed my gauze, which was in my bag. And that was up in the front desk, I'd have to cross Levi to get to it. 

        I started freaking out again, then I saw a red little box labeled  **First Aid Kit**  and in it was, to my luck, gauze and padding. While I was cleaning up my arm there was the sound of a door opening and closing; a deep voice following.

"Eren? Are you in here?" He called out. 

"Shit." I murmured to myself as I pulled my sleeve down over my uncovered cuts and put the gauze by a pile of books.

 _He's going to see you_. The voice sweetly told me in a sing-song tune. I quickly grabbed a random book by me and made to look like I had been reading.

"Yeah, in the corner." I called out, trying to make my voice match one of a monotone.

"Why are you in here?" He looked at me with a suspicious glance.

I shrugged and held up the book. "You were talking to Erwin, there was no work, and I figured I'd go read a random book." I placed it down where it had been on a few moments ago.

He sat in front of me and looked at my hand as I put the book down. "Eren." He said my name in worry.

"What?" I asked him pretending to be oblivious to everything.

"Why does your shirt have a stain right there?" He motioned to my sleeve. I forgot it was a blue today, not black.  _Fuck_. 

"I spilt some of my drink on it earlier." I lied smoothly, it wasn't the first time for this either. 

"Really? What was it then?" He knew. He always did.

"Gatorade. I'm clumsy." I let it flow out like it was true. 

"Yeah, and Gatorade stays wet after 10 minutes and is blood red, huh? I bet you need Band-Aids for it too." He looked at the bandages.  _Shit_ _Eren, you're dead._

I stayed silent because I was caught. I waited for him to leave, I waited for him to yell or to hit me. I hung my head in shame and looked down when I saw an arm near me I flinched only to see he was grabbing the bandages. 

"Give me your hand." He said, his voice was the same as always when I was scared or anxious; it was the calming one used with an animal. 

"No." Was all I replied.

"Eren, don't make me force you to give it to me."

        I didn't react until he grabbed my arm and held my hand with one of his own and rolled my sleeve up with the other. He was gentle despite the angry look he held as he looked at my wrist; they had dried a little but had the dried blood pulled off as my sleeve pulled it off. I flinched but he didn't let go. He started bandaging them for me, being more careful and precise than I ever would have been. 

"Why?" He asked as he finished fixing up my arm and rolled down my sleeve. I couldn't speak. I was glad he didn't care to look over every other piece of injury I had inflicted upon myself. I was numb now, I couldn't even cry. Not like yesterday. Oh god yesterday, maybe it was a dream. Maybe he never had kissed me, maybe, maybe, maybe. Life was always full of maybes.

"Eren." His voice pulled me from my own thoughts; he used his hand to pull my head up, just like yesterday, "I need you to promise me you won't do this." His eyes held more concern than I'd ever imagined possible. 

"I-I don't know if I c-can I mean-" I started stuttering out, forgetting how to use my words.

"Please Eren." He leaned in and kissed me.  _God I need to wake up if this is a dream._  I didn't wake up, Levi really kissed me again. As soon as it had begun the kiss ended, he pulled away and looked at me. "Please promise me."

I still remained quiet only nodding my head. He took it as good enough and stood up and helped me up. We had 40 minutes left so we just went around and fixed the books together. Not a single word was spoken but it wasn't out of anger or anything, there was simply nothing to say. Once we were done we punched out, I was going to try and sneak away because I felt like Levi didn't want to be around me when he came out of nowhere and walked with me. 

"Let's go to the park." His normal bored expression was back.

"Okay." I said quietly as we walked through the entrance and to the place we sat yesterday. 

"I'm sorry by the way... for what I did." I said lowly to him.

"It's fine. I just wish you didn't feel the need to." Levi whispered back.

"Yeah, sometimes I do too." I sighed and leaned back against the tree behind us.

"What do you mean?" 

"It lets me control my own pain and focus on my own destruction. I just kind of go numb after a little while when I realize that I can control my own emotions." I explained slowly. "It sounds stupid when you say it aloud." I chuckled slightly.

"No not really. It's like drugs, cutting is your drug. It redirects your attention to a "better" thing." Levi used air quotes around better and leaned against me. 

        We sat in silence for about a half-hour. It was 6:30 when Carla texted I saying dinner was ready and she wanted me home. I told Levi and made to go walk home when he caught up to me again.

"I'm walking you home." He told me like it was never an option.

"It's okay, I can go on my own. I'll be fine." I tried to convince him, but he wouldn't listen.

"Nice try brat." He said as he kept pace with me.

        Sighing I slowed so he didn't have to run. He muttered a small "thanks giant" to me and laced our fingers. I was glad it was dark because I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. We got to my house and right before Levi could even turn to walk away my aunt had seen us and was at the door. 

"Oh Eren, I was about to go looking for you! Who's your friend?" Her voice was a bit chirpy and excited. 

Before I could intervene Levi stepped up to bat. "I'm Levi, you must be Mrs. States?" He showed a small smile as Clara came down the path to us. Her black hair was tied into a messy bun and her green eyes shined even in the dim lighting the house lights gave off.

"Oh pff, no need to call me Mrs. Anything just call me Carla." She smiled to us, "Would you like to stay for supper? I make a mean stir fry."

"No." "Sure." Levi and I said at the same time.

"Great, come on in before it gets cold." She turned and headed inside.

 _Now I'm stuck to being social._  I looked at Levi, who had a smug look on his face. 

"Come on brat." He started walking towards the house.

-10 Minutes Later-

"So, Levi how do you know Eren?" Clara was trying to strike conversation as they ate.

"Well we're partners in music class and we both work together at the library." He replied.

"That's good. Eren needs a friend; he hasn't had one for some time now. Unless you're more than friends?" Clara said, oblivious to the stare Eren was burning into her. Levi didn't need to know and Clara, with her ignorance to see he tried to hid what he did, would probably let slip what he did.

My eyes shot up at her last statement though and I almost coughed, as I was taken aback. Levi seemed unphased. Clara looked to me to see my reaction, but thankfully my plate veered her off the subject.

"Eren, you've barely touched your food, are you okay?" 

Levi glanced to see I hadn't actually eaten anything, just moved it all around.

"Oh yeah, I was feeling a bit ill still."

Clara sighed and gave me a look that said "I'm sorry poor thing." Her phone went off, interrupting her from asking what was wrong. She left the room to take the call only to come back a moment later saying she had to leave. Because it was Friday she said Levi could stay the night if he wanted to and she left. 

Levi went to put his dishes in the washer and when I went to put mine into a small tuber-ware he pushed me into my seat.

"You have to eat 5 bites before you can get up." He stood there like a mother trying to get a kid to eat vegetables. 

"Levi it's fine, really. I don't feel good." It was true, I felt like puking when I had to eat.

"5 bites." He stared me down, but I stared back. This kept on until I broke and ate the 5 bites he wanted. "5 more." He said, and I did so reluctantly.

        He said it again and one more time and then I realized I ate the entire plate, which was only the equivalent to maybe a fifth. It was still more than normal for me though. I smirked at how he outsmarted me and went to put my own plate away. As I was rinsing off my plate he came over and put his arms around me. I jumped but thankfully kept my hold on the plate. He let go soon after and went to clear the rest of the table.

"Eren, why don't you eat?" He asked as he finished putting away the cutlery.

"I- uh I just don't feel like it most of the time." I thought of my answer, it was half true, and the other half was I didn't feel worthy enough to be healthy while I was the reason 3 people were dead. 

"You need to though." He said facing me.

"I know." Was all I said. "Do you uh- want to go home or-?"

"Do you really fucking think I'm going to let you sit at home, alone, while you're in this condition?"

"Well-" I started to speak but was cut off.

"I'm staying, deal with it." He said.  _Typical stubborn little Levi_. 

 

So it was settled there and then, Levi was staying at my house. I wasn't sure exactly how to react, but I felt relief settle on me. I was relieved because I knew he'd help me if I broke; he would always be there. That's what he told me, he told me he cared.  _Welcome to my life, Levi. Welcome to the Hell in my mind._

 

__


	7. A Morning Fight

"Well, if you insist so much to stay, what you like to do?" I asked the shorter male as he leaned on my counter.

"What can we do?" He questioned me, there was a hint of flirtation deep down that I caught on to.

"Anything you want." I said in a bland tone that also had a flirt hidden deep within. "I have movies, video games, and the internet." I listed the basic things a teenager would do on a boring day.

"What movies do you have?" 

"Over in the bin under the T.V. I mostly have horror but there is a few comedies and like two Christmas movies." I gestured to the cardboard box under our T.V. labeled " **Shit for a Boring Day** ".

        Levi walked over to the box and went through it, muttering about all the dust and such that covered the older DVDs. He picked up 3 different boxes but didn't let me see them. Instead he made me name a number 1 through 3 and so I chose 3. He picked up box number 3 and I saw it was Carrie. Of course it was the one movie I hated because I was a big wimp when it came to horror movies. He smirked as he saw my face had grown a little twisted.

"Aw are you a little scared?" He said to me in a creepy way, like he was planning something.

"No, what makes you think that?" I had collected myself to form a blank face. 

"Tch, whatever brat." He poked my side making me cringe away.

"Do you want to watch the movie or not?" I tried to ask him in a serious tone, but my voice cracked. 

"I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be hanging out with a 12 year old." He laughed at me; I just went red as a tomato as he did so.

"Fine, no movie for you." I grabbed it and held it above my head, knowing he was too short to even try to get it. 

"Hey! No fair." He complained his face going emotionless in a second. 

"Say sorry." I teased him, it was funny watching his face twist. 

"No." 

"Then no movie." I still held it in the air.

"I'm sorry Jaeger." He mumbled.

"What? I didn't catch that?" I egged him on.

"I said sorry Jaeger." He said as he tackled me.

        We fell onto the floor and stared at each other for a moment and he smirked. He leaned up and kissed me until my phone rang suddenly. I stood to go to the kitchen to answer it as Levi picked up the movie. The person who called was Carla, she had a business trip and wouldn't be home until at least Monday. Basically she told me don't do anything stupid and try to not die; to her it was a joke to me it was realistic. After I hung up I looked over to Levi. He looked like his normal self; short, bored, and collected.

"What was that about?" He asked me.

"Carla just called to say she's out of town for a few days." I didn't say anything more because I didn't want him to think I would be alone.

"Ah, so want to watch the movie?" He held up the box.

"Sure, we can watch it down here or up in my room, you choose." I told him. Then I remembered how everything was left out in my room, all the bottles of alcohol and the pills. I bit my lip and hoped he didn't choose my room.

"Let's go to your room." He smirked at me.  _Shit._

"Okay come on." I led him up the stairs.

"Hey where's the bathroom? I need to piss." He said when we got up here. 

        I pointed to the door that was the restroom and he thanked me. I took this moment to run into my room. I picked up every little thing that could be a problem, all the pills blades, tissues, alcohol and anything else suspicious. I tossed it into my bottom drawer to my dresser and piled some jeans over it. I took one last glance around my room, making sure it was safe. Everything seemed to be in good order. My bed was clean and my black sheets were tossed onto it neatly, my black nightstands were clear of any harmful substances, my floor was decent with no disturbing clothes or objects. I sighed just as Levi walked in. 

"Hey brat." He said and handed me the DVD, which I put into the player on my dresser across from my bed. He went and sat down with his legs crossed in an odd fashion, but I didn't question it. I hit play and walked over to the bed and sat on the side next to him, leaving maybe a foot in between us. 

"Why are you so far away?" He whined and squirmed closer to me until he was leaning on me. 

        I smirked and put my arm around him and we began to watch the movie. It was all good and about halfway through he began to kiss my cheek and neck and when I turned to him our lips locked and I melted into the kiss. It wasn't a desperate kiss, just slow and calm. Then I ruined the moment of course when suddenly the demon appeared; I pulled back and yelped like a twelve year old girl. I rolled off the bed with a thud and Levi sat up and laughed his ass off at me. 

"Shut it." I grumbled as I got back onto the bed. He kept snickering every so often and because he did so I refused to kiss him back. He kept trying to get me to face him, but to no avail so we watched the rest of the movie. I kept jumping of course but he remained the same. Eventually he settled with his head in the crook of my neck and leaned on me, mumbling about how bony I was. The movie ended and everybody was dead except for the one annoying girl, as expected.  I looked at my clock,  **11:54 PM**. 

"Levi it's pretty late." I said to him, but he didn't respond. I assumed he was asleep and since I didn't want to disturb him I slowly slide out from underneath him, only to be grasped by his hands around my waist. 

"No, stay." He mumbled. 

"I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." I whispered and ruffled his soft hair. I slid out of bed and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and do all the boring shit nobody cares about. As I was attempting to comb my hair Levi waltzed in looking tired and annoyed at being up. I glanced at him and saw he was looking at my thin frame. He didn't say anything about it. 

"Do you have any extra PJ's or something?" He yawned. 

"Yeah, come on." I led him back to my room and opened my lazy drawer. I pulled out 2 pairs of sweats, a t-shirt for Levi and another hoodie for me. I tossed him the clothes and said I was going to change in the bathroom. A few moments later I emerged in more comfy clothing and looked at Levi. He looked so tiny and cute in oversized clothing. I smirked at him.

"What? He was tired and it showed not only on his face but in his voice too. 

"You look adorable." I chuckled.

"I do not." He grumbled as he sat on my floor, too exhausted to get onto the bed.

"Yeah you do, come on you don't have to sleep on the floor." I tried to coax him up.

He slowly crawled onto the bed and I went to put my own stuff on the floor but he grabbed me.

"You can sleep on the bed too." He looked at me with puppy eyes, which was a rare sight to get from Levi Ackerman. 

I got in and faced Levi. He cuddled up to me and kissed me softly. Then I remembered what Carla had asked Levi earlier,  _unless you're more than friends_? I had a reaction but he didn't and I wanted to know what he thought of us.

"Hey Levi." I said breaking off the kiss.

"Mhm?" He responded.

"Earlier when Carla asked if we were more than friends..." I trailed off realizing I didn't know how to word this.

"Let me guess you're wondering if I'd call you my boyfriend?" It was like he read my mind.

"Y-yeah." I said, the anxiety in me was building.  _What if he doesn't actually like me? What if he only wants to be make out buddies?_ Question raced through my head until I heard his answer.

"Hey Eren?" Levi brought me back to earth.

"Yes Levi?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?" He asked with a smile.

"Sure" I smiled back and kissed his lips. We stayed like that until we both fell asleep in each other’s arms, content with how the day went despite what had happened at the library. He seemed so calm with it all and it made me wonder how such a nice guy could be such a dick at school. I never asked him, I never got the courage to. I kept quiet and drifted off and right before I let sleep take me away it hit me that I hadn't felt the urge to harm since he was there; I hadn't even needed Ambien or any other drug to sleep. I just needed Levi there and I was fine, and that was fine by me.

 

 --The Next Day--

        I woke up to a strange amount of heat around me and saw Levi in my arms. I smiled at the fact he was there still. I don't know why I was worried about him leaving me or anything of the sort. It was probably because he made me feel better in a week than I had in 7 months. I didn't have any nightmares, I didn't feel the need to harm myself, and I felt okay. I looked at his face as he slept. He had an almost child-like look to him; his emotionless look was still there, but it seemed less formed, his lips were slightly parted; he looked angelic to me. I moved my hand to push the hair out of his face and look at him more. I watched him for a few moments before he stirred from his slumber. His eyes opened and adjusted to where he was as he looked at me.

"Hi." He breathed out it a yawn. 

"Morning." I said yawning as well.  _Damn why do I always yawn when everyone else does?_

"What time is it?" He said moving away to stretch.

"Ummm, let me check." I turned over to grab my phone,  **9:03 AM**. "It's about 9." I said as I went through my texts from old friends who were never going to get a reply.

"Damn, it's late." He sat up and grabbed his phone, only to put it back down.

"Late? It's fucking early." I replied. I never woke up before 11 on weekends.

"To you, but you're lazy."

"I am not."

"Yes, I've seen you work. You slouch and move slow." He pointed out to me.

"No I don't." I grumbled as I got up to use the restroom. "I'll be back."

        I used the restroom and went back to my room to take a gram of Xanax, only to see Levi still sitting there. I couldn't take it while he was here because that would be too many problems, how I got it, why, who dealt it to me. It wasn't worth the trouble. I stood in the doorway as I watched Levi look at my stuff on the shelves. It was just normal stuff like trophies and pictures. The pictures were landscapes because I had put the family ones away somewhere. I didn't really care for all these objects but Clara declared it necessary for "better healing" after the murder I committed.

        He looked so interested in my photo in particular. I don't know why, but I hated it. It was too much like home, maybe because it was the sea view from the balcony from my real home, the one in San Francisco. I had edited it to be black and white, but it still held the ability to show the sunshine and capture all the right shadows of the tree's and the way the waves formed and foamed. It used to be my favorite photo; now I wanted to burn it or drown it in the very ocean it had captured. 

        I ruined the moment of watching him look at all my stuff when I sneezed, causing him to jump and drop the picture. It landed on the ground, but the glass didn't break so I guess that it was fine; it's not like I cared anyways. 

"Oh, Eren. Sorry I saw all the photos and I thought they were neat and cool and yeah." He rambled on as he put the picture back onto the shelf. He blushed and looked embarrassed to have been caught.

"It's fine." I smiled and walked over to him. "Besides, it's not like I mind you looking at them, that's why they're on shelves." 

"They were coated in dust though." He stated as if it was a crime.

"Oh sue me, I don't dust my picture frames." I rolled my eyes sarcastically and wrapped my arms around him.

"Maybe I will kid." He leaned up and kissed my lips, silencing me from my stupid reply I tried to say.

        We stood there a few moments just kissing slowly only parting to breathe a few seconds and connecting again. Levi's phone soon rang and he sighed and went to answer it. 

"I'll be right back." He left the room and went to answer it. I could hear a muffled conversation and took this opportunity to take my Xanax downed with a shot of vodka. I had just put the bottle away and slammed the drawer as he walked in. 

"What are you doing?" He looked at me quizzically.

"Nothing." I replied blandly.

"Okay, sorry about that. It was my friend Hanji, she just wanted to know where I was. Damn woman is so crazy about making sure I'm safe." He put his phone in the pocket of the sweatpants that were far too big for him.

"It's all good." I said, "So..." I trailed off. I wanted to ask him what he wanted to do, but part of me wanted to see if he'd leave.

"So?" He asked me, looking me over.

"What? I was just kind of... trailing off." The Xanax was starting to work and I was zoning out.

"Eren, are you fine? You're acting like you're high." He looked a bit concerned, maybe he was more than my brain wanted to register.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I smiled at him. 

"Okay then, do you want breakfast?" He shook off my weird behavior.

"No I'm good, but if you're hungry I can probably find something." 

"Sure, but you have to eat too." He said and started to walk to the stairs. 

        I followed him to my kitchen and walked to the fridge to grab something. 

"Well, we have cereal, I can make some pancakes or something, or there is pizza." I said as I pulled out a water bottle. 

"Well, you can choose. Pancakes seem pretty fun though." He decided.

"Sure. Here you get the eggs and milk and I'll grab the mix." I said walking over to the pantry. I felt pretty light headed so I drank my water bottle pretty quick after I put the mix on the counter and turned on the stovetop. 

"You know you can sit down, I'll make them and be over in a few." I said as I made the batter. Levi still just stood there watching me, he smirked like he had an idea running in his head. I looked over to him and put some of the batter on the pan. I flipped it a few times and deemed it ready, but I also sensed Levi still behind me

"No, I'm fine." He said as he walked over. 

"You sure? You look like you're planning something evil." I went to clean the pan.

"Me? I'd never, but if I did, would it be something like this?" I turned to see him dip his hand in the extra batter and throw it at me. I was taken by surprise as the glob of flour and egg hit me in the face. He stood there laughing his ass off so I guess he needed to feel his own attack.

"So that's how it is, huh?" I snickered as I threw some mix onto his perfect black hair. His eyes shot up and he looked mad, but not killer mad.

"Wow Jaeger, that's how it is?" His face seemed like a twist of annoyed and daring. "You're on." He grabbed more mix and threw it to me, I dodged some of it successfully and threw some back.  He chased after me and I ran around the island in the center of the kitchen. 

"Aw Levi, did something mess up your wonderful hair?" I smirked as he looked for anything to throw at me. Then they landed on the syrup.

"Hey Eren, have you met Mrs. Butterworth?" He squirted it over the small island and hit me in the shirt. He turned to duck but was too slow for my counter-attack.

"That's no fair!" I grabbed the honey and sprayed it over his back. 

        The food fight went on for almost 10 minutes, we ended up grabbing things out of drawers and the fridge to throw at each other, ducking under the counters and table. It sounds like we were angry or something but really we were laughing like giddy 5 years olds. The room looked like a blender had been spun without the lid on top. The only real reason it ended was because I was running from Levi, who held a ketchup bottle, and slipped on the spilled syrup and whatever else had been sprayed. I landed with a loud thud.

"Ow fuck." I rubbed my head as I sat up.

"Eren? Are you okay?" Levi stopped laughing immediately and came over to help. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's so sticky on the floor though." I poked the floor and felt the syrup stick to my finger.

"We should clean it up." He went to get cleaning supplies that were under the cabinet. 

"God his will take forever." I grumbled as I sluggishly got to my feet. 

        It wasn't an exaggeration, it took us about an hour to clean it all up to Levi's standards, which were as high as a nanny's. It was 12:21 when we had everything cleaned and put away, the pancakes were cold and neither of us felt very hungry. 

"I need a bloody shower." He stated after we had cleaned the house up. "Do you mind if I shower?" He looked over to me.

"Sure, do you need to borrow clothes?” I stood in the middle of the kitchen avoiding touching anything with how much food was on me.

"Yeah, if you don't mind." His face was blank again.

"No problem, come on I'll grab some for you." We went upstairs and into my room. 

        I grabbed him some clothes and a towel. He took them with a thanks and went to go shower. I grabbed my own towel and went to Clara's bathroom to clean myself off. I didn't want to be stuck in what felt like tar for however long Levi would take. After I had scrubbed off all the mess and deemed myself clean enough I turned off the water and got out. After I had dried off I saw my shirt was soaked because it had fallen into the sink that had a bit of water in it for Clara's cat. I put on my briefs and jeans but I had no top. I didn't know what to do because all my scars and cuts were on my arms and I didn't need Levi seeing those on me.

        I took a deep breath and began to walk to my room. My bathroom's door was open, meaning Levi was indeed in my room, that door was open too. I looked in to see Levi was lying down on my bed and I made my way over to my dresser to grab my shirt.  _Maybe if I move quickly enough he won't notice._  

"Hey Eren, you took a while. What took so long-" He cut off mid-question. "Eren, what the... Are you okay?"

_Shit, my luck he had to fucking sit up._

"Yeah I'm fine." I said as I scrambled to get my shirt on. 

"Eren, you're arms... they look... bad." He said this slowly, as if he was trying to find the right words that wouldn’t send me into a panic.

"Levi. I am fine, drop it." I snapped a bit harder than I meant to. "Let's just do something else besides throw all of the food everywhere." I smiled a little hoping to veer him off of this subject. 

"Sure." He looked uncertain as he answered me.

"Well, what should we do?" 

"Well we can't go to the park seeing as its pissing pigs and cows." He said as if he hated whatever he mentioned.

"What the fuck?" I was beyond confused.

"It's raining a shit-ton." He made it seem like what he said before was completely normal. 

"So pigs and cows? Why the hell?"

"Cats and dogs is too annoying and makes it sound cute. I hate the rain and I hate pigs and cows. Filthy animals." His emotionless face was back.

"Well if the park and rain are such a no go we can do better." I said as I walked to the mini-fridge I kept in my room.

"And that would be?" He tried figuring out what the hell I was doing.

"Movies and food." I said as I pulled out a bottle of diet coke, sprite and some vanilla ice-cream.

"For once I think I might like you brat." He smirked and came over to me to kiss my lips quickly and turn on my TV. I set the junk food onto the bed in the middle and sat down on the right side.

"For once? I see what the other days were now." I feigned hurt.

"Aww, no they meant a lot too." He came over and sat beside me and kissed me again. "What shall we watch? I vote American Horror Story." 

"Sure, only if it's season 1 or 2, I hated Coven. It was stupid" I replied to him.

 "That it was." He put on season 2: Asylum and we sat there enjoying the quiet, then everything got a bit more exciting after a couple hours


	8. An Afternoon of Bliss but An Evening of Dread

   *- A LITTLE BIT OF SMUT IS INCLUDED IN THIS CHAPTER. IT ISN'T HARDCORE ASS STUFF BUT IF YOU DON'T WANNA READ THE DIRTY STUFF JUST GLANCE OVER IT. OKAY BYE. -*

        After 2 episodes we had run out of our soda and ice-cream, which Levi ate most of anyways. I'd only had maybe 9 or 10 spoons while he plowed through it like a hungry animal. He leaned against me the whole time until I decided to try something. He had always been the one to start the kisses we shared so I figured why not try. 

"Hey Levi." I said breaking the silence we had built over the past two hours. 

"Yes Eren?" He asked as we watched Dr. Thredson talk to Kit.

"Look at me." I said to him

"Why?" He said tilting his head up just a little. Our noses were touching and I took the opportunity as it sat before me. 

        I placed my lips onto his, I tasted his mouth. He was sweet and soft, it clashed with mine that tasted of smoke and were rough. Despite me starting the kiss he decided to deepen it, brushing his tongue over my lower lip asking for entrance. I opened my mouth a little, but I wouldn't go down easy. Our tongues twisted, fighting for dominance. He turned over and straddled me and slid his hand up my shirt making me gasp and he slid his tongue through my lips, exploring my mouth. I put my hands on his hips as he leaned into me more. I could tell he wanted more because he kept sliding his cold hands under my shirt, searching my toned tan chest causing shivers to go down my spine and over my limbs. I was just guessing at all this and I slid my own hands under his oversized shirt and up his back. I scraped my nails down his back lightly and heard a soft moan escape from his lips. 

        He took his lips away from mine making me whimper that I couldn't hold back. He smirked at me as his grey eyes met my green orbs. He leaned down but rather than kiss my lips he kissed my cheek and trailed down to my jaw and then my neck. He started to nibble on the soft spot behind my ear which made me gasp a bit louder than I'd admit.  _Fucking Hell that's still sensitive_. I thought to myself. He then bit down on that spot. It was hard but it made my whole body shiver and a light moan escaped my lips and I clawed his back once again. 

"Levi." I felt his name drip out of my mouth. He bit the spot again, but harder. My body loved it though, he rolled his tongue over the surely bruised spot and went back to my collar bone, nibbling over it. His hands trailed down my sides now, his nails leaving light trails of swirls over my ribs. Surely he felt how bony I was but paid no mind to it. He pulled his mouth back to connect with mine. I took this moment to flip him over so I straddled him. I pulled my lips from his and looked down at him.

"Why'd you stop? “He whimpered out to me.

"I want you to beg." I bent down to whisper in his ear and pulled away before he could kiss me again.

"Please Eren." His eyes were full of lust as he said my name.

        Instead of returning my lips to his I went down his neck the same he did to me, only I didn't stop where his shirt ended. I began to slowly pull the bottom of his shirt up as my hands grazed his smooth, cold skin. He got impatient and went to pull the rest off himself. I admired his body for the first time. He had a perfect six-pack that fit well with his pale skin. I leaned to kiss his neck again. 

"Impatient, are we?" I growled into his ear and felt him shiver under me. I went back to kissing him all over his chest and trailed to the hem of his jeans. I glanced up to see him smirking at me.

"Eren, it's your choice." He said, but his voice faltered and I could tell deep down he was begging me to do what anyone could figure out. 

        I slowly undid his button and zipper, feeling him grow harder the longer I took. I went back up to kiss him on the lips. I slowly pushed his pants down and kissed him harder. His hands gripped the back of my neck and his nails dug in as he pulled me closer. They trailed down and he began to pull at my shirt; he grabbed the end of it and pulled it off me quickly and I slid my hands out of the sleeves that were wet with the sweat that had formed. I went back to kissing him, lost in an ecstasy of lust with Levi under me. I trailed my nails down his torso and palmed his member. 

"E-Eren." Levi moaned my name and I loved hearing it. He leaned up and kissed me again. I began to rub him up and down feeling him get harder and harder, my own little friend was starting to appear as well. I felt he was close and I left his lips to trail down his stomach and took him in my mouth. I played with his tip with my tongue as I swirled it around and ran it up his member.

"Eren, I- I can't." Levi was grasping the bed sheets, he never finished his sentence as he came into my mouth. The liquid was warm and a bit salty; nonetheless I swallowed it and came back up. I smirked at him lying there panting like a dog in heat. 

"Eren-, where the fuck- did you learn- to do that?" He asked me in between deep breaths.

"The internet. I had no friends and a bunch of gay thoughts." I said like it was a normal topic.

"Damn, well at least let me repay the favor." He said as he straddled me once again and leaned to kiss me despite where my mouth had just been. 

        His kisses trailed down my stomach and he did indeed return the favor. He seemed to be a bit more experienced in this field though as he had played around a lot more with his mouth over me. When I came he swallowed just as I had, which I was glad because when they spit it's kind of annoying to clean. He came and kissed my neck, but I wanted more. I brought his mouth back to mine and we sat there for a while just kissing, lost in what was happening. We forgot about the show we were watching or the empty junk food bags scattered on the floor, we forgot the world was still buzzing. At one point I looked at him in my arms to see he was asleep, then I looked at my own arms. They were covered in cuts, burns, and scars. They showed my hatred that had been raging for over a half-year. I got up slowly and left him there to sleep more, it was only 5 o'clock but after what we did I felt tired too. I put on my clothes to cover my scars and decided I'd make him dinner.

        I headed downstairs and got out what I'd need for spaghetti.  _Wow original Eren._ I told myself. I began boiling the water and decided I'd use fresh vegetables in the sauce so I began to slice those up. It was around 5:30 when I had finished making what I could call food, it looked like a 5 year old prepared it but tasted fine to me. I brought the plates upstairs because Levi was probably still asleep and sure enough when I walked in he was under my blanket now asleep like a baby. I would've let him sleep but I didn't want my 5 star meal to go to waste.

"Hey Levi, wake up." I said as I sat on the bed. He groaned and slowly opened his eyes.

"Brat, what do you want." He looked at me lazily until he saw I had food.

"I made dinner, want some?" I handed him his plate which had a decent sized potion.

"Thanks, I didn't realized I slept so long." He yawned and put his shirt back on. It was long on his short stature.

"It's no problem." I said and began to slowly eat. He glanced at my tiny portion and how slow I was eating.

"Eren, why didn't you get more?" His voice hinted at concern.

"I'm not all that hungry, so I just grabbed what I felt like eating." It wasn't a total lie.

"Well you need more." He pushed some of his onto my plate making our portion even. The calories began to buzz up into my mind and a tiny voice whispered to me.  _Fat._  

"It's fine Levi. I swear." I tried to get out of eating this. I don't know why but food scared me.

"Eren, you need to eat." He sighed as I just looked at him. "I'll make you eat if you don't do it by yourself." I had no doubt he'd follow through with that so I picked up my fork and ate some of the food. Internally I gagged and felt like shit but I showed myself as calm. The whole time we ate dinner the voice was there screaming at me.  _You're so fat. He just needs a reason to leave you and you getting fat is the main one._  There were so many taunts and phrases rolling in my head. We had more small talk throughout dinner, and I made myself interested and there. I smiled at the right time and laughed. The only time it really happened was when he went to eat another bit and he bit his tongue really hard. 

"Ow fuck" He said as he dropped his fork. 

"Aw, are you okay? Did little Levi hurt himself?" I made myself sound as if I was talking to a 7 year old.

"Shut it brat." He playfully slapped my arm.

"Here, will a kiss make it better?" I leaned in and kissed him for the thousandth time today. He leaned into it and I pulled back. I smirked as he begged with his puppy dog eyes. I took the last bite of my food to show I wasn't giving in.

"Jerk." He mumbled as he finished his own food. "Here, you made dinner so I'll do the dishes." He took my plate and got off the bed. 

"I can help." I started to follow him downstairs. 

"No I got it." He started to clean them off in the sink.

        I went over to help anyways but he pushed me away with his elbow.

"Fine midget. I'm going to go upstairs and put Netflix back on." I said as I pat his head just to annoy him. 

"I'm not a midget, you're just a giant." He grumbled.

"Mhm whatever midget." I called to him as I plodded up the stairs. 

        As I was finding the spot where we had stopped watching the voice kept seething more and more into my mind.  _You're so stupid for doing that. He probably hates you, you're nothing but a chew toy for a dog._ They kept coming and were never repeated. I couldn't take it anymore, something had to be done. I ran to my drawer and grabbed one of my little razors. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I slid up my sleeve and listened for any footsteps. When I heard none I looked to my arm and couldn't focus, I hadn't realized my eyes had watered over this bad until everything was hazy. I didn't need to think about what I did because my natural reaction processed everything faster than my mind could. I felt a pinch in my arm, but it wasn't enough. I hit the spot twice over until red came out of my pale limb, it wasn't close to a vein so it was only cut on skin. I fished around in the cabinet for a Band-Aid when I heard a voice.

"Eren, are you in there?" Levi called out.

"Y-yeah." I tried to sound steady but my heart rate quickened.

"What's taken so long? I've been waiting for 5 minutes."

"Uh, just using the restroom, sorry I was reading on my phone. I must've gotten distracted." I called back.

"Oh, okay. I'll go wait in your room for you then." His voice trailed off along with the soft padding that his feet made.

        I sighed deeply and found some bandages. I quickly covered the little lines in my arm and checked to assure myself they wouldn't bleed through or miss a spot. I put everything away and realized I had nowhere to put my blade so I left that in the band-air box as well. I wiped my cheeks and made sure I didn't look stressed then left the room. I walked into my room to see Levi sitting on the bed watching the episode I had put on. 

"Thredson turns out to be a lying dick who did bad stuff to her." I said making him jump.

"Jesus Eren. And why would you say that? He seems nice." Levi was upset I spoiled it for him.

"I've seen this season too many times, that's why." I chuckled as I sat next to him and watched the show.

"Still, it's rude to spoil stuff." He was emotionless as ever. "Oh and give me your phone." He ordered out of the blue.

"Why?" 

"I figured at some point we should exchange numbers, more so if we are indeed a thing." He sighed out.

"Yeah sure, here." I handed him my phone, it wasn't anything fancy like the new iPhone 6, just the iPhone 4. He put his number in, texted himself and gave it back. I looked at what he sent and almost had a heart attack.

**Message To: Babe Sent: 6:04 PM**

_Hey Levi, it's your smoking hot bf. I totally love how you fucked me, let's do it again? ;)_

"Wow Levi, very cute." I playfully slapped his arm.

"Hey, you never saved my number when I gave it to you the day we met out at the park so I figured I'd mess with you." He shoved me back.

"Oh y-yeah. Sorry about that." I scratched my head. I remembered back to when I first met him and freaked out but he wrote his number on my hand. I had smudged it and scrubbed it off when I broke down even more and never thought much about it. 

"Oh well, now I have your number." He smirked his evil smirk that I was growing to be scared of.

"Don't do anything you wouldn't do in 20 years." I mumbled to him.

"I'm an outgoing guy, your argument is invalid." He stated and turned to kiss me on the cheek.

"Oh bite me." I sighed and looked back to the T.V.  

"Maybe I will." He said and leaned in to nibble on my collar bone, earning a small moan to form in my throat. Thankfully it didn't go up anymore. 

"Levi you are such a tease." I said as he proceeded to kiss me. 

"I know." He said as he pulled away only to meet my lips.

I pulled away from him after a moment or two and whispered into his ear. 

"I tease too though." And I slowly let kisses trail down his neck and on the soft spot behind his ear and ended it there. He tried getting me to kiss him again, but to no avail. He sighed and leaned into me and we watched the show until 10 o'clock when Levi got a phone call. 

"Levi, your phone has gone off 3 times in less than 5 minutes, answer the god damn box." I grumbled as his phone went off again playing Hail to the King by Avenge Sevenfold. 

"No, they can just leave me alone." He said and turned it off again, only for it to go off not 5 seconds later. "Fine, fine damn." He sat up and picked it up.

"What?" He was agitated as we were almost asleep.

There was a pause as the other person spoke.

"Really Bertholt?"

There was a shorter pause.

"Have Hanji get you. It’s not my problem."

Another short pause, I just looked at his face as he got more and more annoyed.

"Fine damn, I’ll be there. Yeah, yeah you're welcome." He huffed and looked at me. "I have to go, my friends are idiots and need a ride."

"Oh okay, I'll walk you to the door." I sighed as we got up.

"Thanks, I wish at least one of them wouldn't get wasted it gets boring driving them home while they're piss poor drunk." He made it sound normal, I hadn't been paying attention then everything clicked in my mind. I remembered that night all over again. I was sober, they were drunk. It was raining then and it was still raining now.

"Wait, no!" I shouted and turned in front of him, blocking the door.

"What the-? Eren its fine. I do this pretty often." He was trying to go around me.

"This time could be different!" My voice pitched a little higher as did my concern.

"It's fine Eren, I'll be back tomorrow. I promise." He kissed my lips and while I was distracted he went around me and out the door. 

        He didn't come back the next day though. He didn't reply to any of my calls or texts. He wasn't at school on Monday, he wasn't at work either. He wasn't there on Tuesday too. It made me nervous. Clara came home Monday afternoon but said nothing to me. She was stuck in her ignorant world, oblivious to the child she had two rooms down slicing himself apart to feel a little alive. It made me wonder what if he died or got into trouble and I'd never find out. I was scared again, I didn't want to lose any one else. 


	9. Where Were You

 I woke up with a cold sweat screaming. I looked around quickly but only saw darkness. I noticed the time after calming down, it was 2:34 AM. I took a shaky breath and wiped my face. I had been having nightmares ever since Levi had left. They were focused on me driving that night and all the little details at first and then slowly it became him in the car as well. It was Wednesday and there was school. I knew I wouldn't go back to sleep so I put my legs over the bed and walked to the shower. I hissed as the hot water hit my fresh cuts, I looked at them as the shampoo and soap rinsed off my body. They coated my arms in straight lines on my wrists and slashes on my upper arms. I got angry at myself for always letting the voice get to me and for having these markings. I tried as hard as I could to scrub them off, praying that maybe they would disappear with a little elbow grease and soap. They didn't and I was just left standing in the drizzling water looking at my now red and bleeding skin. The newer ones had cracked open but they weren't too bad. I sighed again and got out of the shower, dried myself off, put my clothes on and went back to my room.

        I checked the time and saw it was now 3:12. I did some homework despite the fact that I lacked any ambition for my education. Once all my chemistry, math and whatever else I had was completed I looked to the clock,  **4:06 PM**. I still had 3 hours until I needed to leave. I decided to turn on my laptop and watch whatever I clicked on first. It ended up being Death Note, which I was okay with.  I focused on that show and only that so my mind couldn't let any more venom slip in. My alarm went off at 6:30 like it always did. I turned it off and went downstairs. Clara was at the table reading and I didn't want to talk or having any social interaction so I just grabbed an apple to not be suspicious and mumbled a small bye. I walked out the door and simply tossed it to the curb. I had left 30 minutes earlier than I needed to so I took as long as possible and wandered around for a few moments. I was about halfway to school when my phone buzzed.

**New Message: Babe 6:52 AM**

_Hey_ _Eren, sorry I didn't reply sooner my phone was having problems. How are you? (:_

I stopped and looked at the text.  _Are you fucking kidding me Levi? No, I'm not going to even talk to you._  I shoved it into my pocket but it went off again.

**New Message: Babe 6:57 AM**

_Eren, are you okay?  Maybe you forgot your phone. I'll see you at school._

        I put it away again and looked up to see our school and took in what it actually looked like. It was many white buildings close together with a fountain in the middle. In the middle of the fountain was some weird human-like thing that was our mascot, a Titan. It was actually quite weird to look at. I walked into the locker building and went to grab my supplies for the day. Halfway down the hall I saw Erwin and 2 other boys. One was tall with blonde hair and the other was similar height but was a brunette. I was worried they would try and do something so I tried to move by as subtly as possible and failed. 

"Hey loser." The blonde said and tripped me.

The brunette laughed at me as I got up. "What, you don't think we're funny?" 

"No. I don't." I kept walking down to my locker but was pulled back by the brunette.

"That's a little rude." He sneered in my face.

"Gunther leave him alone." I heard Levi and turned to see him walking in.

"What? You're defending this thing?" He let me go and turned towards Levi.

"Yes I am. He isn't some loser so piss off." He looked bored with this conversation. "You too Mike, don't be an ass." 

        They started to bicker and I took it as my moment to walk away again. I made it to my locker and began to sort through the rat’s nest I had created. 

"Why are you ignoring me?" Levi appeared next to me and leaned on the lockers.

"I'm not." I said but didn't look down at him.

"Bullshit brat, tell me why." He seemed agitated by me.

"Why did you do that?" I took him off guard,

"Do what?"

"Defend me. I could've handled it." I grabbed my final book but didn't shut my locker.

"One, it wasn't fair, two, you're my boyfriend and three you were pinned up and he would've broke your face." 

"Yeah, like you'd care you’re still an ass around the school and don't even reply to me." I shut my locker and walked away; he followed after though.

"I have a reputation to keep at the school." He spoke like he was trying to believe himself.

"Save it Levi. I don't want to hear it. I asked you not to go, yet you fucking did. I was worried sick. You didn't respond to me and I thought it happened again. You're just an ass Ackerman. Sort your shit out then come talk to me." I looked to see his eyes dull down with every word I said. I turned on my heel and walked off.

"Eren why the fuck are you so defensive? Okay I was sober and they weren't. I was being a nice friend and saving them from killing themselves in a crash!" His voice rose to a shout.

I flinched when he mentioned the killing of them. "Because Levi, you still could've crashed with them as a distraction." 

"Eren." Levi pleaded, but I had left the doors and didn't look back. 

        It was the middle of Algebra I got a text message. I had my paper finished and was just daring on my paper anyways so I saw no big deal in checking my phone.

**New Message: Babe 11:04 AM**

_Eren_ _you were right I'm sorry can we meet up at lunch to talk?_

"Mr. Jaeger." My teacher’s voice boomed through the class. "Is there something so very important on that cell phone you needed to stop taking notes for it?" Everyone turned to look at me.

"U-uh n-no si-sir." I stuttered out.

"Well if that's the case, put the phone away and answer number 3." He stared at me.

"It's 103.5 sir." I said as I put my phone in my pocket. I was prepared for something to happen.

"Well you're right, but it is still rude to be on your phone. Do homework from another class if you so wish to. Try to be successful in  _some_  form." He turned back to the board and proceeded to help kids with the homework. I sighed and took out my phone anyways to reply to him.

**Message To: Babe Sent: 11:12 AM**

_Maybe. I just want to be alone right now._

        After I sent that I instantly regretted it. I didn't want to shut him out or break up even though it's only been a few days and I didn't want to just let this blow over. I got a text back soon after I sent that one though.

**New Message: Babe 11:14 AM**

_Eren, please. I really want to talk to you._

I put my phone away and continued to doodle on a scrap piece of paper. He'd be bound to show up eventually anyways. The bell ran signaling class was over and I packed my things as slowly as possible. I walked into the hall and saw it was still crowded giving me a good chance of avoiding Levi just until the end of the hall. As I travelled through the sea of teenagers I saw him and Erwin tossing the kid I had "protected" my first day here around and finally Erwin slammed him into a locker.

"Maybe you shouldn't have such a smart mouth." Erwin called to him as he and Levi walked away. I stood speechless, after everything I had just to Levi and he  _still_  did that. He realized it too once he walked past he saw me and my expression.

"Eren." He called and turned to follow me but I was pretty much racing to get to class. I had to get there before he could catch me, lucky for me I did just that. 

        I walked to my seat and repeated what I had done the past two hours, get my papers, do my work, fuck around. Levi kept texting me all class but I kept ignoring him.  _He's an asshole._  I kept telling myself but part of me didn't want to believe it. Fourth hour came and went in the same fashion but then came the worst part of the day, the one I'd been dreading the most, lunch. I walked out of English class and quickly went to the restroom. I checked to make sure no one was in and stood in front of the mirror. I saw how I had bags under my eyes and my hair was a mess.  _God I am such a mess._ I rubbed my face as my phone went off for the millionth time.

**New Message: Babe 12:45 PM**

_Eren, where are you? Please can we just talk? Don't make me look for you._

        I sighed but didn't reply to him, instead I texted Carla. 

**Message To: Carla Sent: 12:46 PM**

_Hey, do you work late tonight?_

**New Message: Carla 12:47 PM**

_Yes, sorry. Is something wrong dear?_

**Message To: Carla Sent: 12:48 PM**

_Nope I'm fine, just wondering. (: Bye._

_  
_ "Finally I found you." I spun to face Levi leaning against the door looking slightly annoyed. "You know if you really want to avoid people, don't go somewhere anyone can go." 

"I was going to text you back." I said but didn't look at him.  _Liar liar pants on fire._  It came back to me again.

"You're also a terrible liar." His voice was monotone.

"Levi look-" 

"No Eren. I know what you're going to say, something about how you don't like me because I look like an ass or because I didn't reply to you or something along those lines. I get I fucked up but really Eren you can't expect me to feel guilty. You never even told me shit, you're so secretive how was I supposed to know you were freaking out? You're one of those people that only lets you in their present and never even goes to the shelf in your mind labeled 'past'." 

        I said nothing; there wasn't anything for me  _to_  say. He was absolutely right, I had freaked out without him knowing why. I had locked up what I'd done because I was selfish.

"Eren, I need to know; what are we going to be?" I looked up to see his face look like I'd stabbed him. He was hurt by my selfishness.

"I-" I felt everything around me stop. I didn't know what to do.  _Do I stay or do I go_? "I don't know."

"Well, I'll see you at work then." He spun and walked out before I had a chance to call out to him. 

 _Wow_ _Eren, you fuck up a lot. Would you like me to help you? I'm just looking out for you._ The voice was a small whisper but I heard every meaning it was screaming.  _You know you're no good really. He started to see who you really are, oh dear this is Connie all over again. You were just a toy to them._  Its venom was dripping deep into my mind. I didn't want to hurt myself. No, I  _wouldn't_  hurt myself. I glanced at myself again and saw my eyes were a pale pink, probably from my lack of steady breath due to anxiety. I shook my head and began to walk out of the bathroom. There was 5 minutes left and I just wanted to get to class so I could get to work so I could go home so I could drink and get high and forget every little thing. 

        I went to my locker to grab my music book and shut it as the bell rang. I walked to the art rom and saw no one there but Mrs. H.

"Hello Eren!" She called over to me with her over-enthusiastic smile.

"Hi Mrs. H." I replied and walked to my desk thankful as other students came so she wouldn't strike up a conversation. I watched the door and saw Levi walk in. His eyes glanced over the room and landed on mine. He stalked over and slid into the chair next to mine. 

"Hey." I whispered and looked out at him through my bangs.

He nodded in reply, which understood. He was mad at me and had every right to be. 

"So... for our project... I was thinking we could do something classical but with a bit more spunk. That is... if you uh- if you want to." I looked down at the desk.

"Sure, I play the piano and violin. What can you do?" I felt his eyes watching me.

"I- uh I c-can play acoustic and electric guitar." I looked up to him again. 

"Well we could cover a song together then I guess." He sighed and looked out the window. 

"S-sure. What song?"

"I don't know, find one." He kept looking out the window.

        I sighed and opened up my phone to look through my songs, finding none that I found good enough so I began to just touch up the lyrics I had in my notebook. I'd find a song to use later for now I needed to calm down and writing did just that. My lyrics were in no way good and I would never let  _anyone_  read them, not even Levi. I wrote for a few moments and looked down at the first section.

*** A/N Music is in tune to** **Lovedrug- Paper Scars***

_Fallen in death, with those who you love._

_You tried to live on, I know_

_The voice in my head, screamed to me_  you murderer.

_Add to my pain, oh no_

_And oh god how did I survive._

_These little scars_

_Oh bless the stars._

_I can't be sorry._

_I can't be sorry._

_I can't be sorry._

_I swear I'm sorry._

 "Hey brat, what are you doing?" Levi looked over at me.

"Nothing." I said closing my notebook.

"Let me see that." He held out his hand.

"See what?" I played dumb.  _If he sees it he'll think you're a freak,_ _Eren._

"You know what. Come on." His faced remained stuck in his normal bored expression.

"No." I folded my arms over my notebook and glance to the clock;  **2:14**. I only had to stall him one more minutes.

"Eren, seriously it can't be that bad." He sighed and kept his hand held out.

"Why don't you try to find a song?" I changed the subject.

"Because there's one minute left." He looked to the clock.

"Exactly." I put the folder into my backpack and zipped it up. The bell rang and everyone sprang up.

"Oh! Guys I forgot to say this! Your project is now your final of the semester so please make it good, it's worth 60% of your grade!" Mrs. H yelled as everyone was walking out.

"Shit." I murmured to myself. So much for bullshitting this project. I got up and started walking to the library, it wasn't until I was near the park that I realized Levi hadn't been with me. I kept walking to the library, punched in and went back to putting away books and updating the system. After about 30 minutes I took my 5 minute break and went to the back to put some more stuff away. My arms felt like they were on fire because of how itchy they were. I avoided touching them because I was wearing white today and didn't want to risk opening the scabs. I sat down and read through my entire break. It was a new book but had nothing very special to it. 

        After my 10 minutes I stood and went out to finish putting things away for another 55 minutes. I still saw no Levi but when I went to punch out the computer said he had signed in. I was walking around the young adult section to put my final books away so I could leave when I saw him. I had a book that went right where he was so I went up to the shelf, put it in its place and started to speed away in less than 10 seconds. He grabbed my wrist though and I fought hard not to flinch.

"Eren I'm sorry." Levi softly whispered to me.

"You didn't do anything wrong." I said and turned to face him. To say he looked bad was an understatement, his eyes were puffy and red and his normally slick hair was in disarray, as if he had been pulling on it hard. "Levi, what's wrong?" 

"I fucked up me and you. I should have listened to you." He sighed out.

"Levi seriously you had no idea. It's fine really. I-"

"Eren I know why you freaked out. I know what happened 7 months ago." He said in a somber tone.

"W-what?" I thought I was just hearing things. 

"Eren, I know. Look-" 

"Levi, I- I really-" I couldn't speak or think.  _He knows what I did, how does he know? How long? Was this all a game?_ Questions filled my mind all at once, my heart was racing and my lungs felt like fire. I had to get out of here. The tips of my vision were beginning to turn black and I didn't even remember turning but next thing I knew I was out of the library running. I wasn't sure if Levi had called to me or followed, all I knew was to run. 

 _What are you so afraid of? Oh wait I know. You know he's going to hate you, you’re afraid to face what you did!_  The voice called to me.

 _No, it's not true. Shut up!_  I screamed back.

_Dear me, did you seriously think I'd leave with that command? Ha idiot. I'm not going anywhere._

        I ran to the main street and hailed a cab. Once one stopped by me I opened the door and sat down.

"Where to kid?" The driver asked me.

"1563 West Plywood Road, San Francisco please." I breathed out.

"That's 45 minute drive kid, you got enough?" He asked me.

"Yes here." I handed him my card and paid in advance.

The whole ride up the voice was screaming at me, I knew I was shaking and I was glad the driver didn't talk to me. He stopped and told me I was here and I got out and ran up to the door. He sped off and I quickly unlocked the door. I stepped into the old house and fell on the floor. Finally I was home. I didn't have time to listen to the voice anymore. I was out of breath and my vision was going dark. Before I knew anything I blacked out on the cool wood flooring.


	10. Please Be Okay

_Levi's P.O.V._   _After School_

        The bell rang out loud and I jumped to be the first one gone. I quickly walked to my locker and put my useless books away. I was feeling really guilty after what I'd said to Eren. One phrase he said stuck into my head though, “ _you didn't respond and I thought it happened again”_. I was confused by what he meant by again. I went to the library on time and punched in a little after Eren. I snuck away to the computers in the lab that I knew he didn't have the keys to. I went into the cold room and sat at one of the 6 computers sitting on the tables. It turned on fairly quickly for a public computer and I was soon on the internet. I typed in his name and looked down to see there was a few articles with the last name Jaeger. I clicked on one titles  _Dr. Grisha Jaeger and Family Die in Car Accident_.

"Grisha Jaeger is Eren's dad?" I was genuinely shocked for a moment, not that Jaeger was a common name but I wouldn't have guessed that they were related. Everyone knew who Grisha was, he was a doctor who had saved many lives in quick surgeries and diagnoses. He also had many published articles over various health topics. I read deeply into the article and let the information sink into my brain. I read on and saw that the cause of death was due to a car accident and behind the wheel wasn't one of the adults; it was Eren. I took a sharp breath as I read more in depth.       

 _On April 5th it was disclosed that the Jaeger family was deceased. The cause of the accident was said to be the car slipping from the asphalt and skidding into a_   _nearby_   _tree. Eren_   _Jaeger, son of Grisha Jaeger, was the only_   _survivor. Signs indicate Mikasa_   _Ackerman, sister, Laura Jaeger, mother and wife of Grisha Jaeger, and Grisha Jaeger were killed on impact. It is_   _presumed_   _they were intoxicated and asked their son to drive them home._

Shit no wonder he freaked out, that's how his family died. I instantly felt like it was my fault. I left to drive my friends and he must've remembered everything that had happened that night. I shut down the computer and sped out of the room. I went to put away a few books then I’d search for him. Just as I finished I leaned against the shelf for a second thinking over what I’d say. I began pulling my hair and my eyes started watering as I couldn’t think of anything when I saw a tall figure appear and in no time it was leaving so I reached out.

“Eren.” I said and grabbed his wrist, but didn’t miss his flinch. “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He said and pulled himself from my grip. He turned and looked at me and froze.  _Oh god, do I look bad?_  “Levi, what’s wrong?” His words distracted me.

“I fucked up me and you. I should have listened to you." I breathed out and tried to pull myself together.

Eren’s expression softened and his body became less tense. “Levi, seriously, you had no idea. It’s fine really, I-.” He started rambling and I cut him off.

“Eren, I know why you freaked out. I know what happened 7 months ago.” I said soft and slow.

“W-what?!” He exclaimed and backed up a little. It was like every brick guarding his heart I’d removed over the past week had reappeared in a second.

“Eren, I know. Look-" I tried to explain myself but was cut off.

"Levi, I- I really- I can’t.” He turned and sped off. I just watched until he was out the door, I couldn’t get my legs to react. I began chasing him but then he hailed a cab, the  _only_  cab to be precise. I quickly ran to Eren’s house praying to whatever gods could exist that Clara was home. I got to his house, which was a 20 minute walk, in 7 minutes. I tripped up the steps and began banging on the door.

“Oh hello Levi.” Clara said and smiled at me as she opened the door. “Eren’s not home yet but-“

“I know.” I cut her off. “I- I think he’s in trouble.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”

“I think he’s going to hurt himself!” I screamed at her. “I don’t know where he’d go though. He took a cab so I know it must be far.” I quickly let the words roll out of my mouth, not caring if some were slurred together.

“H-he went to his old house. He texted me earlier, how do you know he isn't okay?” She said slowly. “I could call him.” She said.

“We’re fucking wasting time!” I yelled to he and she flinched.  _Nice lady, but Eren could do something stupid._

“Fine let me get my car keys.” She ran to the key rack, grabbed hers and ran back. “Get in the car.”

            I did as I was told as we sped off.

_Eren’s P.O.V Present_

I woke up on the cold wood floor and sighed. I glanced at the large analog clock that hung on our living room wall above our spot-free white couches. It read 6:11, I’d only laid there 10 minutes stood up and walked around the house. I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to my aunt saying I was at the old house.

“I’m back home.”” I whispered as I ran my hands over the dusty furniture.

 _Yes, but it doesn’t feel the same. You know why? Because it has no people in it. It doesn’t because_ you  _killed them._  The voice chimed to me.

"No no no." I murmured and covered my ears hoping the voice would quiet down in some way. It didn't, it only echoed more. I finally just let it in though and it stopped.

        I looked around at everything in the large house. The walls were still the creamy white my mother always cleaned. The wood floor was not as dusty as I would have expected, but all of our photos were. The bookshelf in my father study still held all the great texts my father had researched from and the ones he had created himself. It was the little things that broke me though. It was the little stick figure family he had kept on the wall that I had drawn when I was six. It was the pictures Mikasa had drawn in classes of our family and her friends. It was the stains in our almost perfect white carpet. I slowly let my feet drag me towards the stairs.

        I gripped the railing and began to trudge up the steps. I turned to go to my room and stopped before the door.  _Eren, you can do this._  I told myself. I had to repeat it but I couldn't bring my hand to the handle. I felt tears slipping down my cheeks. 

"Oh god. Why me? Why did I have to drive so stupidly? Why did he have to find out? Why? Why? Fuck! Why!" I screeched to the emptiness. I slammed my hand over the silver knob and turned t, stumbling afterwards because of the force I used.      

        I caught myself before I fell and looked into my room. The bed was still messy and my clothes were still everywhere. My drawings were strewn out all over, either taped to walls or piling up onto my desk. My lyric books were on my nightstand sitting filled with songs that I'd never look at. My bookshelf was still stocked with various novels of various genres. I crossed over to them and grabbed my favorite,  _Wintergirls_. I guess I loved it so much because I could relate to it now. I hated myself and I wanted something to control. I had to control how I looked and portrayed myself and I too,  _hated_  it. 

        I couldn't stand in this room anymore, I slowly walked out with the book in my hands. I became so spaced out I didn't realize I was in Mikasa's room until I was sitting on her bed. I looked around the room. She had posters of her favorite bands on the pale blue walls, her clothes folded neatly on top of her dresser. Her red scarf was still over her pillow. I sat there, waiting for her to come in and scream at me or pull on out by the ear for being in there without permission. 

        She wasn't coming in though. She never would... and that broke me.  _I_  was the reason why.  _I_  did it to them.  _I_  was always the reason. I stood and walked to the door she had in the back of her room that led to the balcony we shared. I went outside and felt the ocean breeze touch my exposed skin. There were stairs that attached to the balcony that led to the ground. I walked down them slowly and headed out to the sandy part of the beach we lived on.

         It was the same view that my picture had. This spot was where I had my best memories... and my worst. It was where my first boyfriend, Jake, and I had first made out. It was where we would spend countless hours together reading or drinking or doing some not so PG activities. It was also where he had first hit me. It was where he had forced me to get high and where he had forced me to be with him. It was where my life fell apart, bit by bit. 

"God why did I ever trust that guy." I laughed through bitter tears. "Mikasa was right, she always was."

        It wasn't even a year ago. Jake and I had been best friends since I was in 3rd grade and he was in 5th when I had punched him for calling me some idiot name we had forgotten. Jake, in turn, punched me just as hard. We were forced to spend the day together in a room and had discovered we loved the same things; books, video games and cartoons. We became closer and closer and in 8th grade, I came out. I thought he'd hate me or leave me but the opposite happened. He told me he was gay too, but didn't bring it up because he was scared as well. We got closer after that and soon started dating. I was 13 he was 15.

        Most people say your middle school boyfriend or girlfriend won't last, but we did. We made it through freshman year together. Sophomore year was different though, we'd been physical before but in 10th grade it got that much worse. He was 17 and was drifting away, but I loved him too much to let him. I knew he only wanted me for my body by then and I let him. I let him because, well, it was Jake. I let him do whatever he wanted to me, whenever he wanted to. Whether that meant at school or in public and eventually here, at this beach the day I turned 16, saying " _You're of age Eren_ ". It was disgusting.  _I_  was disgusting. He left me a month later for another man, his name was Erwin. He was older, stronger, and bigger, he had a better personality, god even I would've fallen for him. If I hadn't crashed and burned because of Jake. 

        I felt cold water hit my ankles and saw the waves were coming in. I took a shaky breath and went back upstairs, since the patio doors were locked, and passed through Mikasa's room. I couldn't be in there again. I walked back to my room to change my clothes because mine were coated in sweat and dirt. I put on a muscle top and shorts. I looked up afterwards and caught my eye in the full mirror hanging on my wall. 

I walked over to it and observed the thing it showed me. I looked at all its scars and bruises. I saw the way it had perfect little cuts lining up and down the wrist but slashes on its upper arms. I saw how it had marks from where its cigarettes had been put out against the tan skin. I glanced at the bones that seemed to be pushing out, as if trying to break the skin. I saw the stringy mess of brown that could be called hair. I saw a picture of Eren Jaeger from 8 months ago. He looked happy, with fresh shin and toned abs. His smile was genuine and shone like stars. He was beautiful. He had been happy.

        I looked back to the mirror, back to the animal I had become. 

"I did this." I whispered. "I did this to myself. I was given another chance to live and I tore myself apart." I looked to the ground, anger boiling inside me. "I did it to them as well! They didn't deserve this! I don't deserve to be called human or loving. I don't deserve to be called their son!" I screamed and brought my fist over the reflecting glass, causing the image to become distorted and shattered.

"Shit, I broke it." I said as I pulled my fist back. "At least something can show what I am, shattered and unfixable. You were right." I spoke out to no one in particular.

 _Well yeah, I always am._  It came, but its tone was different. It sounded like him, like Levi.  _You know, you've been dying for months. Why don't you really end it?_  

"Because, I'm weak." I said as I fell to the floor in front of the shattered mirror. 

 _Exactly._  

        I don't know why I felt so torn. I don't love Levi, not like I loved Jake. He makes me happy, most of the time I'm a flinching mess because he would abuse me, but Levi makes me feel secure. Like I know he won't hit me, even if he does it to others. I've known this boy for a week and I feel close to him, but I'm not sure if I can let him in. 

"Shit, I have school tomorrow." I sighed out. "I guess I can stay the night, but it's a 45 minute drive. I'd have to leave at 5:30 to avoid traffic and I’ll be there around 6:45 and classes begin at 7:25. This'll work out." I closed my eyes and released the breath I didn't know I'd held.

"Eren!" Someone screamed out and instantly my breath was stuck again.  _Shit_. "Eren where are you?" I knew that voice, it was Levi.

        I heard multiple footsteps coming up the stairs and I scrambled to my closet to yank out a jacket just in time. I had just gotten my fingers to poke through when he was in my doorway, tears streaming down his cheeks and Carla was behind him. 

 "Oh my god, Eren!" He ran over to me and tackled me. "Oh god you're okay. I'm so sorry, I had no right and I shouldn't have said what I did and-" He was rambling on so I cut him off.

"Levi, it's fine. I promise, shh calm down." I cooed to him as I sat up and held him.

"Eren, what happened?" My aunt butted in and looked between me and the mirror.

"I- I'll tell you later." I replied and felt Levi pull me closer.

"Well, let's go home. Hm?" She said with a small smile.

"Sure. Hey Levi, we're going to go, come on." I began to stand, bringing him with me. He nodded and took the lead. I took one last look around my room and saw the one thing I should have destroyed first, the picture of Jake I loved so much. It made me relive every moment I tried to forget, and now my walls were up ten-fold against Levi. I wanted to trust him, but Jake reminded me that no one is safe.

\----Time skip: Carla's house; 11 PM----

"Okay, Levi you can stay if you'd like but you both need to go to bed and Eren you are staying home for sure tomorrow. Understood?" Carla said as soon as we got into the house. 

"What? No! I have too much work and I have homework and a few tests tomorrow!" I exclaimed and faced my aunt.

"Brat, listen to your aunt." Levi said and began to pull me upstairs. 

"B-but I’ll fail and everything." I don't know why I was defending my education now, but I felt like I had to care about something. 

"Eren stop worrying, it isn't going to work. Now go get ready for bed" He said sternly, He pushed me in the direction of my room. "I'm going to go get a drink really quickly."

        I huffed in agitation but went to my room none-the-less to change into clothes that didn't hang off me. After I got dressed I went and lied down in bed, and Levi came in a few moments after.

"So... what happened?" He asked as he slid next to me.

"What do you mean?" I feigned ignorance.

"Don't bullshit me, you know what I mean." He snapped, but more in a worried tone.

"Nothing really. I went home and sat there thinking until you showed up." I summed it all up like a little kid.

"Because I'm tired I won't fight you over this, but tomorrow we'll talk. Got it?"

I nodded.

"Good, go to sleep." He said as he snuggled into my chest and I wrapped my arms around his small frame. 

        I sat there and listened to his breathing soften and looked into the blackness that enveloped my room. I kept thinking back to Jake ever since I left my house. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't just let my mind wander so I slowly slid away from Levi and made sure he didn't stir. When I knew he wouldn't get up I walked over to my drawer I had filled with various drinks and pills and grabbed the box of lights and a match. I walked over to my window and cracked it a little. I lit it up and began to smoke, after a few puff I had calmed down. I kept glancing over to Levi, making sure he was still asleep, which he always was. 

         After I has smoked I lifted up my sleeve and held up the end of the cigarette, without thinking I brought it down onto my wrist and let it burn my skin until I could practically see my skin rise. I tossed it down, along with the dead match and shut my window. I walked away from the ledge and over to my desk and opened my history book with my notes. I needed to keep my mind busy and this would work. I picked up my pencil and as soon as I began to write the answer it was taken away. I involuntarily flinched and tightened, ready for someone to hit me. 

"Hey, Eren it's fine relax." I heard Levi say next to me as he put the pencil down.

"W-what? I am relaxed." I tried not to stutter and remembered I was at Carla's house with Levi, not with Jake in San Francisco. 

"Liar." He spun my chair around to face him. "You reacted to that the same way you did when I glared at you your first day. You get ready for a hit or something, what's wrong?" 

"Nothing I'm fine. Can I do my homework now?" I glanced back at the paper hoping to distract him.

"Nope." He said popping the "p". "Bedtime, let's go."

"No." I crossed my arms.

"Don't make me carry you."

"Like you could even pick me up." I retorted and was suddenly lifted out of my chair.

"What was that?" He teased and carried me to the bed.

"How the hell are you doing that? I'm bigger than you!" I exclaimed.

"Because you're what, 110... 115? You're underweight that's for sure." He said as he put me on my bed and lied next to me.

"I'm not  _that_  small."  _Was I?_

"Mhm shut up and sleep." He mumbled against me. "Night br-" Suddenly he shot up.

"What?" I asked him, suddenly nervous.

"Why do you reek of smoke?" He asked leaning over me.

"I don't, why would you-" I was cut off by him kissing me. Before I could kiss back he pulled away.

"Eren why the fuck were you smoking." He sounded angry. "Where the fuck are they?"

"It was my last one so I threw the box and match out the window." I was lying through my teeth, but I guess he believed me.

"Stop doing it. It's going to kill you." He leaned on me.

"So?" The second I said that I regretted it. 

"What do you mean so? Eren what the fuck is wrong?" He looked at me with an expression of shock and worry. 

"Just.... Just forget it. We can talk in the morning." I said and threw my arm over my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at him. I felt a weight on top of me and Levi grabbed my wrist, moving my arm.

"Fine, go to sleep." He kissed me again, this time letting me kiss back. 

"Why are you on top of me?" I asked wrapping my arms around his waist.

"So you don't get up again." He pecked my lips and put his head on my chest. I sighed and felt myself relax. He put his hands in my hair and started brushing my soft locks.

"If you keep doing that I'll push you off me." I whispered to him.

"Nah, you like me too much." I could hear the smirk his face held.

'Psh no matter." I quickly shoved him off me playfully and turned away.

"Brat." He said and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest which I now realized was bare.

"Midget." I whispered to him. I got kicked for that one.

"Go to sleep titan boy."

"Yes shorty." I smirked and fell asleep, but it wasn't a good one.

         

 


	11. You Need Help, In More Than One Way

Eren's P.O.V

        I awoke to the sound of something slamming onto a table. I slowly opened my eyes and was blinded by the bright sunlight.  _That's_ _weird..._ _I_ _never open my window._ I looked to my clock and saw it read 2 pm. I groaned and rolled over to look at Levi who wasn't there, instead he was across the room... cleaning... my dresser... and my stash drawer was wide open and empty. Just to add to the luck everything was out in the open on top of the black dresser.

"Oh he lives." Levi snapped in a cold tone. I looked him over. He had put on his shirt again and looked tired. His eyes had bags under them and his hair was a mess.

        I brought my eyes back up to what he was holding. He had the last bottle of Jack I had in his hand. He slammed it down and kicked the drawer shut with his foot hard enough to shake the whole dresser. Then it clicked in my head,  _he went through my_ _stuff. He knows._  And I couldn't even feel my anxiety, I just let anger take me over.

"What the fuck Levi? What the actual fuck?"  I screamed at him, "Why are you going through my shit?" I was shaking with anger then let myself realize I had the last of my secrets stripped from me. I couldn't breathe. I was overwhelmed with anger and now the anxiety was getting strong. I knew thy little voice was whispering but I couldn't hear it over my own.

"Oh don't get pissy with me! I was worried about you kid! Plus, you lied to me!" He pointed to his chest. "I went downstairs this morning and went around the side of the house but found no fucking box or lighter. All I found was a stub from the fag and then I came back up here to ask you when I saw the drawer cracked open. I was curious so I pulled it open and I... I saw all of this!" He thrust his hands to the pile of contraband I had collected. "Why Eren?  Why the fuck do you have this? Even after the promise you made!" He was still yelling.

        I was speechless. I saw he'd taken out even the little things, my razors, my bags of pills, my notes; all my hidden secrets were open for the world. Then I remembered Carla was probably home and that sent me over.

"Levi quiet the fuck down! Carla might hear you and come up here!" I hissed at him.

"Oh yeah. Maybe she should." He hissed back. "Maybe she needs to know what's wrong with you because I'd love to know but you might lie again!" His voice was low but held as much coldness as before.

"Levi." I whispered out. "Y-you wouldn't.  You  _kno_ w you won't." I tried to guilt him out of calling her in. She wouldn't handle this judging by her reaction to me last night.

"Why not?" His eyes narrowed as if daring me to come up with something.

"Because I'd hate you. I trust you and you would shred all of it if you did that." And it was true. I  _would_ hate him.

"You're lying. You wouldn't." His eyes held worry for a split second but came back anger just as fast.

"Try me." I dared him and got out of the bed. I stood next to it but stood nonetheless, hoping doing so would show I was serious.  "Try to tell her and see what I'll do."

        Silence fell over us, it was heavy. Like fog at night. It was misty and neither of us could tell what the other was thinking.

He broke it.

"Carla!" He screamed out.

"Levi don't." I jumped towards him. "Levi please" I started to cry.  _She_ can't  _know. She_ _can't. It wouldn't be fair!_

"Carla I need you up here!" He yelled again and I heard steps running up the stairs. "It's Eren, he mpfhh-" I cut him off by throwing my hand over his mouth and tackled him.

"What's wrong?" My aunt ran in. She was a pale woman already but when she saw what she walked in on she was a ghost. "Oh my god what the heck is going on?" She screamed at us. "Eren get off him now."

        I didn't move myself. I was so shocked I lost all power and Levi took advantage of that by throwing me off him. I fell back hard and quickly sat up onto my knees.

"Carla, Eren has a problem and I can't get him to talk." Levi looked to her.

"I don't. I'm fine I swear." I broke in praying she'd hope that was old and I helped myself. She wouldn't though. She saw the pile she saw me crying she heard Levi. That was enough for her.

"Then explain this Eren." He snapped at me without catching my eye. I hoped he would because I needed a soft glance to know I'd be okay. I needed to know he would forgive me and calm me down. "Explain why, how long, when you've had these." He looked at me with a blank expression.

I was silent. I vowed my head in shame.

 _They_ _know they kno-ow._ _They_ _know what_ _you_ _do._ The voice had finally broken through the wall and sang out to me.  _Oh deary me, why you must tell them._ _You're_ _going to need a shrink, those pills and_ _drugs_ _you buy are_ _going_ _to be prescribed and you_ _can't_ _take those when_ _you_ _please. No_ _those_ _will be limited to you!_

"Eren... please. Please explain this to me. I  _wan_ t to help you just as much as Levi does." Carla whispered and walked over to where I still sat on the floor.

I slowly stood up and looked at her.

"Carla, I get you want to help. I'll be fine. I always am remember? I know how to fix broken things. I've helped people before. Like I helped Jake before. I'll do to myself what I did to him. I'll be okay." I looked to her, waiting for her reply. She didn't though, someone else did.

"Eren, sweetie, it doesn't work that way. I- I think you need a professional." Carla said to me.

"No, Carla I'm fine. I-" I was cut off by her yelling, which was a rare occasion.

"Eren Grisha Jaeger you listen to me!" I flinched at her using my full name. Everyone in my family rarely did so, it was the sign of 'Shut the fuck up Eren we are serious you might get burnt by the hot words dancing in our minds'. "You are far from 'fine.'" She used air quotes with her fingers. "I don't know where you got all this from, I don't know when, I don't know how long you've done it. I look at this and it reminds me of how you first reacted when  _he_  violated you!" She couldn't even say his name and that was when I lost it. I forgot about Levi, I forgot about the pile of shit, I forgot the voice.

"Don't. You.  _Dare._  Bring that up Carla." I was seething at her. "You have  _no_  god damn right to say that to me. You make it sound like I had a choice in what Jake did.-" I was beginning to replay that night in my mind.

"No Eren. I do have that say, would you like to know why? I am your current guardian. I am your family. I care for you." She said matter-of-factly. "You aren't over it. Not what he did before, during or after the incident. You aren't over how you felt when you saw him with that  _Erwin Smith_  around his arm. You won't be over the fact that you didn't have a choice and that's why you're mad at yourself. You’re not mad at me making it sound like a choice, you're mad at the fact it  _wasn't_  a choice."

        I looked to Levi as she said Erwin's name, knowing that was his friend and the school's best quarterback. He physically flinched and his thin brows furrowed in confusion and he looked away for a moment. Then he had a look like he knew what this all meant but thankfully kept quiet.

"Carla, it was almost a year ago." I stood up and looked at her. "Do not try to think I'm not over it, I am. What he did is irreversible, we all know that. What I did to my parents is irrevocable. He fucked me over, I crashed their car. Either way my heart has been choked and crushed." My voice rose to a shout. "I've done this to myself since he abused me. How the fuck did you never notice when I was high, or when I was freaking out? Don't say you cared because the signs were there, Carla! They were there!" I threw my hands in the air and the air around us was tight, almost as if a pen tip could shred it in half.

"Eren..." Carla didn't know what to say. "I- I just wasn't home enough. There is no excuse for my lack of knowledge. This though... all of this..." She trailed off.

"It's just... I'm lost Carla. God with the voices in my head and what I've done to myself, this is the tip of the fucking iceberg." I said and rubbed my eyes with my hand, not realizing I'd been crying.

"How long..." She looked up at me with tears of her own.

"Almost 2 years, it started when Jake-" My throat tightened at his name. "When  _he_  started getting bad. He told me it would help me feel better, and it did. So I kept up..." I realized how odd this may sound in front of Levi and his expression proved me right. "It makes me feel fine because I don't feel at all. That's why I keep doing it."

"Eren. What you're doing though... it's going to kill you!" Levi exclaimed at me making himself present again. I looked to see him crying. He never cried though.

"So?" My voice cracked as I tried to yell but my sound wouldn't rise. "What if I want that? It's my fault! My ex leaving me because I wasn't good enough, that's my fault! My parent’s death? That too! I left all my friends and I've gone all summer here in my room. It's my fault I secluded myself because I didn't want to hurt anyone. Look at you! You're crying  _becaus_ e of me!"

"Eren..." Carla broke in. "Eren you need help and you know it. I'm going to call a therapist later. I want all of this gone, Levi, can you please take care of that?" She had tears at her eyes.  _Oh god_ _I hurt_ _her too._

 _It's your_ _fault Jaeger. You_ _fucked_ _it up._  The voice was Jake's gruff rumble.

"I'm fine." I tried to sound secure but I too had tears lining my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to find comfort in Levi but I hated him. I  _hated_ him for outing me. I hated him for being there. I hated him for saving me.

No.

        I didn't hate him. I hated what he did. I hated being cared for. I realized that when I felt him wrap around me.

"Eren I'm sorry." He whispered to me. "We're worried about you and you need help." I didn't look at him. I didn't return the embrace. I just stood there but he didn't move.

"I'll be back." Carla said and took her leave if the room. She was going to call some shrink to "help" me.

Levi let go of me after a few moments. He looked to the ground.

"I'm pissed at you. You had no fucking right." I spoke to him. "And you stood there as I fucking ranted off my past and you don't know shit. Why are you still here?

“I know Eren. I- I was worried. I care about you and your past is yours, you'll tell me eventually. I won't talk to Erwin and I won't pester you..." He whispered to me again.

"No... I mean... I'll tell you if you want." I shut my eyes and left them that way.

"No. Don't rush yourself, but don't be afraid to be open with me."

"D-Do you know Jake?" I breathed out keeping my eyes shut.

"Yes." He said curtly.

"What was he like?" I was curious.

I regretted that question.

"He's Erwin's boyfriend. He was cute, funny charming. Then he brought up his past. He used to brag about some boy who fell so hard for him his knees were probably broken. He'd say how great he was for a punching bag and how he was so easy when Jake would give him drugs or alcohol. He used to brag on and on about how  _desperate_  a 16 year old could be." I glanced to Levi as he was ranting off his meeting conversations with Jake by now. "He'd talk about his bright green eyes and-" He cut himself off and met my own green eyes.

"That was you." He said it so simply but he held so much shock. "You were the kid who tried so hard."

        I felt my throat tighten.  _Oh god is he going to hate me? What all had been said_? I couldn't process much. He looked at me with no expression, which made it worse. 

"I- I'm sorry." I looked down. "You must think I'm pathetic." I sank to my knees.

"I don't. He's pathetic Eren, he would hit you and then he left you." 

"You don't know the full story do you?" I shook my head.

"I doubt he'd ever mention anything Erwin would hate." He sat beside me.

"Shows what kind of person Erwin is." I mumbled loud enough for only my ears to hear. "I’m not mad at you, you know?"

"I do." 

"And... thank you." I breathed out.

That took him off guard. "Wait... what?"

"I said I wasn't mad, you think that's fine but I say thanks and you're confused. Nice." My tone dripped with sarcasm.

"I just- I didn't expect you to thank me for showing Carla everything." 

"I guess I need help. You forced it onto me but if you didn't I'd never get anywhere. Hell if Carla didn't come up here I'd probably jump out the window or run and lock myself away. So thank you." My explanation was barely a whisper but he had heard it.

        No other words were exchanged, instead he wrapped his small arms around me and tugged me into his embrace. I relaxed and returned it in the same manor. Levi pulled away shortly after but leaned on me and looked back at all the things on the chest of drawers. I wasn't even aware I'd  _owned_ that many bottles of alcohol. The pills I knew because I always counted them. I also wasn't aware of the some 30 blades I had accumulated over a year or the little notes I'd written with a shaking hand. I wasn't aware just how many things I had that I used to harm myself; that I allowed to strengthen my self-hatred.

"How long were you cleaning?" I looked to the pile and back at him.

"Only 30 minutes or so. I stood for at least half of it looking into your collection." He kept his eyes locked on my dresser.

        I sighed and thought about how he must've felt seeing all this. He must have been worried, scared, and angry. Carla showed her emotions, Levi didn't so I wouldn't know. My eyes snapped open when I remembered my aunt.

"God, Carla must be losing it. With that fight and all this." I put my head in my hands. "I fucked up Levi. Shit I really did it this time. I- I- God fuck me!"

"I'd rather do that thank you." Levi said. He usually said sexual innuendos like that, but right now it took me off guard. I snapped my head up and stared at him, speechless. "Oh shit, Eren I'm sorry I- why did I say that. I should be comforting you not being a horny little- What?" I had cut him off with my laughter.

"Y-You just- Hah! You seriously haha! I can't man- ha I- heh I can't." I laughed like a mad man. "Sorry that made my day." I chuckled as I stopped my fit of laughter.

        He still just looked at me.  I started feeling nervous under his stare.

"Sorry..." I looked down.

"You're weird kid." He finally said as he snaked his arm around my waist. 

"No, you just have no emotions." I shot back.

"I do, I just don't show them." He smirked.

"Whatever, you'd never follow through anyways. You're all talk no bite." I was setting up a challenge.

"Really now?" He quickly pulled me into his lap and made it seem effortless despite our size difference, meaning I'm way bigger than him. He grabbed my chin and move my head to face him. "Wanna bet?" His eyes sparked with flirtation.

"Nah, you're too good for me." I replied with no real sting behind those words.

"That's a lie." He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

        I relaxed into his touch and moved my lips with his, feeling his soft mouth crash over my dry lips. We were moving slow, not really needing anything else. I felt him nip at my lower lip releasing a small gasp. He snaked his tongue into my mouth and let it explore my cavern. I used my own tongue to mix with his and we tasted each other. He was sweet like sugar and I could only assume I tasted like cigarettes like I had done for months. I felt time stop around us as he held me. I shifted on his lap and turned straddling him so access was easier. His hands began to rake up my shirt and I felt my own finger locking in his short locks when there was a knock.

"Boys being boys, of course." Carla sighed and I began to fall back but Levi had caught me and held me on his lap. I felt why the second I shifted though.

"Um...." Was all I could get out. I was shocked and embarrassed of being caught.

She sighed again. "Do me a favor and clean this up by dinner at 6. No school tomorrow, and no buts. Levi can spend the night again, but under  _no_  circumstances am I to hear  _any_  noise. Clear?"

Both of us gave a quick nod with a "Yes, ma'am."

"Good, you have an appointment with Dr. Pixis Saturday at 10 am. I have to run to the store, so be good." She smiled at us finally. "And be safe." She winked and walked back downstairs.

"God." I heard Levi breathe out when the front door clicked shut. 

"You know, using me to cover your raging boner was a bad idea." I glared at him, but with not real heat behind it.

"Why's that?" He smirked.

"You  _know_  why." I said as the pain in my groin grew.

"I can help with that you know." He chuckled and moved his hands to the hem of my shorts from yesterday.

"Oh really? How would you do that?" I began to play dumb.

"Oh, I remember not even a week ago how much you loved feeling my mouth over you, feeling me touch you." His voice dropped two octaves and became a low rumble. 

        Before I could come up with a snarky reply one of his hands had dipped into my pants as he slowly stroked down to my member. He lightly trailed his fingernails up my length and used the pads of his fingers to softly brushed the tip. I felt a moan go up my throat but caught it thankfully. He slowly pushed me onto the ground and pulled down the rest of my boxers and shorts. He soon leaned over me and captured my lips with his as he proceeded to rub me off. I could feel myself entering a blissful state as he moved his kisses to my jaw and collar bone. I couldn't hold back the moan that emerged when he had bit lightly onto the boney area.

"Let me hear you Eren." He huskily whispered and trailed his kisses lower and lower.

        I expected him to take me in his mouth but instead he kept kissing me until he got to my inner left thigh. He lifted his eyes and met mine. I could see the fiery lust that swam in his iris as he slowly licked up to my now solid length. He finally took me in his mouth keeping a steady eye contact. He licked his tongue up and swirled it over my tip then slowly closed his lips over and swallowed me. He licked me all over as he began to bob his head. I no longer controlled my body and my head lolled back and my hands found their way to his head. I gripped his hair hard and he gave off a moan causing me to go crazy all over again. My hips bucked up but he soon put his hands on my hips holding me down. I was getting close and the pain was unbearable.

"L-Levi." I called out to him. "I- I'm s- so cl-close." I stuttered out.

He left me for a split second to whisper roughly, "Then come for me Eren." 

        He put his mouth back to me and I shot out. He took it in and swallowed. I was now panting like a dog in heat but I couldn't care less. I was tired, even though all he did was blow me, yet I had enough energy to make him feel just as good.

"Hey Levi." I whispered seductively and sat up, facing the other man whose hair was out of place due to your truly. "Sit back." I placed an open hand on his chest and softly pushed him to the ground.

"Eren..." He knew what I was doing and showed no signs of stopping me so I began to straddle his waist.

"Let me know if I need to stop." I whispered into his ear.

"I'll kill you if ever try." He almost screamed to me

        I nibbled on his soft lobe and trailed my kisses down his neck and along his sharp jawline. While doing this I trailed my hands up to his chest and began rubbing his nipples to see his reaction. He began to moan but caught it as soon as it left his mouth and that annoyed me. I trailed my kisses down his chest. 

"Let me hear you Levi." I said roughly.

        I licked his left nipple as my hand tweaked with his right. I nibbled down on it lightly and he let out a breathy whimper. I knew I couldn't tease him long so I did the same to his right and was trailing kisses down him again. He was giving off moans as if they were natural breaths. 

"Eren, you are such... a fucking... tease." He panted out.

"I can show you what teasing really is." I rumbled and moved my mouth to his own member.

        I met his eyes and slowly licked up. I placed my lips around him and began swirling my tongue over his tip while my hand massaged his balls. I felt him wriggle under my touch and I could feel him pulsing. I took my mouth away from him and heard him whimper. 

"Eren, please. I- I'm g-going t-to come." I he moaned out. I brought my face to his and kissed him lips quickly.

"Do it." I pulled him back into a kiss as my hand pumped him. He was pulsing so hard I knew he wouldn't last and he soon came into my hand and over our lower halves.

"Y-you jerk." He breathed out.

"How so?" I smirked down knowing full well why.

"You cheated using your mouth and not finishing with it." He fell back and his arms fell to his sides.

"I told you I can tease." I chuckled and went to grab a towel from the linen closet by my room. I quickly came back and helped clean us both up.

"Tch. Maybe I should never touch you again." He threatened.

"Like you could even try you horny teenager." I teased him some more.

"You're just as horny brat!" He exclaimed.

        I simply chuckled in response.

"We still need to get rid of all this." He pushed himself to lean on his elbows.

"We could just save it for later use." I said without thinking.

"Eren what the fuck? Hell no. You're getting rid of it all!" He snapped at me and I flinched back.

"Okay okay. I was kidding."  _No I'm not._

"No you weren’t." He said sharply and pulled his pants back up.

"I was, but fine. How do we get rid of this all?" I put my boxers on and went to grab jeans because my shorts made me uncomfortable.

"Eren..." He looked over at me while I was grabbing jeans. 

"What?" I watched him look at my legs. "Those are all scars, they were my first ones so I didn't get caught. I haven't done it on my legs for almost 5 months." I quickly slid on my jeans.

"If you want to talk-" 

"I don't." I cut him off and walked back to where he was lying down. "Let's just get rid of this before Carla gets home and then I'm taking a nap because I'm tired still." I held out my hand to help him up, which he took.

"Okay, so let's get started." He said as he grabbed the Ziploc bag that held all my pills. "Grab a few bottles." He walked out of my room and I looked over at the glass jars of my favorite poison. I wondered if he'd hate me if I drank some before I watched it leave my life. As if reading my mind he shouted out, "And I swear if you drink any...” He left an open threat.

        I sighed and grabbed a bottle of jack and a bottle of some store-name brand rum. I sluggishly went to the bathroom where I saw him dump the pills in. 

"Pour it in the toilet or sink and put the bottles in the tub so we can recycle them." He said and went to retrieve more.

        It took us almost 20 minutes to empty 11 bottles of various alcohol, flush too many pills to count and he was about to throw away my cigarettes but seeing as I was going to be 18 soon enough he packed them away with his stuff. All that was left were my silver saviors. We decided to put them in a baggie to throw them away. I was holding it and standing in front of the trash can as Levi was taking the empty bottles to the recycle bin. 

"You can do it Eren." I told myself and was about to throw them away when the voice creeped back into my mind.

 _Oh come on, seriously? Do you_ really  _want to do that?_

"Yes." I said aloud to it.

 _Really? Prove it. Prove to me you_ ever so  _strong._ It was snapping at me.

"Fine." I let go of the blade filled bag into the large garbage bag and quickly tied it up so I couldn't regret the choice I made. "Levi, it's all cleaned up!" I called out to my boyfriend and brought the bag downstairs to put on the curb.

"I'm proud of you Eren." He came over to me and kissed me gingerly. "You'll recover I promise... but it won't be easy."

"I know, but I'll fight. I'll try so hard to be okay, because I will be. I know it." I met his silver eyes. "Because I know you'll be there to catch me if I fall." I kissed him softly.

"Come on brat I'm tired." He grabbed my hand and led me upstairs. We were in my bedroom again, which was now clean. It felt clean too, the air was lighter knowing m dark secrets were gone.

        We lied down on my bed to take a short nap. I began drifting off and leaned into Levi's chest like I always did. We sat in the quiet and I felt my lids falling and my breathing mellow out. The short raven must have taken that as a sign that I was asleep because I heard Levi mutter 7 words I thought he'd never say yet, much less in front of me.

"Eren Jaeger I think I love you."

 


	12. Recovery Leads to Memory Lane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm hella late on this update. Life got rough and I got writers block and just everything isn't as smooth as I had hoped, but here is chapter 12. I'm going to *try* to get Chapter 13 out by next Tuesday, but no promises. Hope you like the story though (:

"Eren Jeager I think I love you." He whispered softly, as if it was never meant to pass his lips.

        I felt my insides tighten and my heart rate fluttered for a moment, which he didn't notice. I felt his breathing become rhythmic and I glanced up quickly to see Levi sleeping. I felt my eyes flutter closed and slowly let myself breathe out a soft confession that I couldn't hear myself;

"Levi I think love you, too." And I let sleep take me away.

**\---Slight Time Skip--**

"Eren, Levi I'm back! I got some Chinese too so get down here!" I heard someone yell followed by the slamming of the door. 

        I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut refusing to acknowledge the time. I turned my face into Levi's chest to avoid both sunlight and the fact that I was going to have to eat and face my Aunt Carla. 

"Boys! Get down here!" Carla hollered at us now. 

"Fuck that shit." I heard Levi mumble and his grip on me tightened. "Can we stay here forever?" 

"I can handle that." I murmured and hugged him close. We sat there for a few moments until there was stomping outside my door.

        Carla didn't even knock, she simply came in. The door was thrown open and she stalked over and stopped at the end of the bed. We'd both almost completely fallen asleep again.

"Up. Time to eat, let's go." She said and pulled my blanket off of us.

"Ah Carla! Really?" I jumped up because it scared me.

"Sorry about that." Levi said with his normal bored expression.

She smiled at us now.

"Thank you, now before it gets cold. Downstairs now, come on." She turned and left leaving the door wide open.

"Haven't you ever heard of closing the god damn door?" I screamed after her and stood up.

"Shame the poor groom’s bride is a whore." I heard Levi finished the lyric and turned so fast I almost fell.

"Y-you know that song?" I was actually surprised.

"Who doesn't? It was #1 in like 2006." He said flatly and stood as well.

"You're fucking weird." I shook my head and chuckled.

"Tch, whatever. Let's go down before Carla comes back to beat us up and hide the bodies in a ditch." He began walking down the stairs.

        As soon as we entered the kitchen Carla was chattering away at us.

"Well it's about time! Ah I remember when I was young and in love. My parents couldn't ever get us to listen to them for 5 minutes straight. Why I remember-" She was rambling and I decided to stop it there.

"Aunt C do you really need to explain this all to us?" I sighed out.

"Well I wouldn't have taken a trip down memory lane if you'd been quicker." She replied with a chuckle

"Sorry. I was getting up anyways!"

"Brat don't lie. Don't give me that look, I heard you complain about how much you wanted to stay in bed." Levi spoke up. 

 _Shot down by your own boyfriend, or was he just complaining?_  

 _Oh hey voice, nice to see you a-fucking-gain._  I seethed to the sound in my head.

 _Hello Eren. Did you miss me?_  I could hear a smile. 

Of course I didn't.... right?

"Oi, brat you okay? You look like someone kicked your puppy." Levi's comment snapped me back to reality. 

"W-what? No I don't. I'm f-fine." I stammered out.

"Are you sure? You look a little pale." Carla chimed in while placing the food on the table.

I simply nodded and looked at Levi who wore the face of 'w _e'll talk later'_. 

"Anyways, let's sit and eat. I got white rice and noodles, sweet and sour pork, lemon chicken, teriyaki beef and a mixed plate of vegetables." She said pointing at the foods and began to take her helping. "Take what you want." 

 _Don't eat Eren you'll get fat. No one likes the_ fat _kids, but look at you. Where are those wonderful ribs?_  The voice was taunting me. 

        I watched Levi get his food, which consisted of a little of everything but took up the whole plate anyways. I glanced to my empty plate and decided I had to grab something to not look suspicious.

 _Eren stop!_ It screamed.

        I scooped a small spoon of rice and grabbed a few pieces of chicken, 3 carrots and one piece of baby corn. We were all still quiet as we were filling our plates when Carla began to speak.

"Eren, how are you feeling?" Her voice was serious so I knew she meant deep down.  _Please not right now._  I thought to myself as I took a bite of my food.

 _Eren stop. Put the food down! Fat! Fat! That's all you'll be!_  It was screeching at me. I knew it was right too.

 _Trust me, I need to look okay. I'll pour a little more sauce, move the food and it'll look like I ate a lot. Trust me, I want to be anything_ but _ugly. I want to be perfect for Levi._ I explained my thinking to it.

It was quiet in my head now.

"I'm... I've... I... I've been better."  _Wow Eren, so descriptive_. 

"Look I know it's hard, but you need to discuss what's wrong." Carla was pressing me, so I guess I'd just build a stronger barrier. She sighed and tried again. "I know the past 7 months have been... well who am I kidding I don't know. No one does, and it's because you shut down. I want to help you start up again and I want you to be better." Carla said slowly, as if at any moment I would snap. 

I wanted to. I really really  _really_  wanted to.

But I couldn't. I couldn't do that to her or to myself because it wouldn't be fair. She was right.

 _Eren she's lying._  The voice said to me in a rushed tone as if trying to convince someone to stop doing something.  _She just doesn't want to deal with your shit and wants to pretend its all better._

I ignored the voice again but replied to Carla smiling.

"I do too." Liar. "I know I can be better." Fucking lies. "I promise I'll try." Well pack your bags and let's head out to Liarville where you'll be King Liar and sit on your throne of filthy lies.

"I'm glad, I'll be right back. I need some water." She excused herself and went to the secluded part of the kitchen. My eyes followed her movements and when I looked back at my plate I saw there was more food than I had put. I glanced to Levi who was watching me.

"Levi what...?" I acted like I didn't know why he added food.

"You barely ate shit Eren." He said flatly. "Seriously you're far too small, you need to eat more." 

"I just ate a whole plate of food, did you not see me?" I had a hint of annoyance shine in my voice.

"No, what I  _saw_  was you take barely a quarter of your plate’s worth of food and each bite you chewed too much and grimaced. I know that look and I know you're lying to me." He kept steady eye contact and crossed his arms. 

"Carla's going to come back any second and ask why we're sitting like this. She's going to ask and you'll tell her, so drop it." I hissed at a whisper.

"Tell her what?" Carla's voice carried into the room as she walked back to her seat. "What's wrong?" Her eyes held concern.

"Eren won't eat." Levi spoke out.

"That's not true! I ate enough." I snapped to him.

 _Oh god he's mad that you didn't eat then he'll be mad that you_ did _eat._

 _Yeah.... it sucks._  It sucks to be me.

"Eren, finish the amount on your plate." Carla sided with Levi.

"I'm full though, I might hurl if I eat more."  _Well I'll definitely be hurling this up_. I grimaced at the thought of all this food entering me, it would need to go. 

"Eren." Levi said my name in more of an order tone rather than a begging one. "Eat."

"You guys, I appreciate your concern and all, but seriously I ate a lot already.-" I was going to talk my way out but I was cut off.

"To who's point of view? Yours or ours?" Levi questioned me. "Which one kid?"

I was silent and he knew he won. 

"Eren, please." My aunt was begging me at this point.

"Fine." I huffed out and shoved the food in my mouth, chewed quickly and forced myself to swallow and not gag.

 _You're such a pushover_. The voice was chiming in my head.

Carla and Levi both visibly relaxed and I sighed. 

"I'm sorry for being a brat..." I took another bite to look more believable that I wanted this.

"It's fine." Carla smiled to me. "I have to go shower and get ready for work tomorrow. Unfortunately they won't give me another day off." She huffed in annoyance.

"What job do you do?" Levi asked her.

"I'm a nurse at Trost Center of Medical Care. I work the ER so I get called in a lot and I don't have many free days." She explained.

"That's pretty cool." He seemed interested in what she was saying. "I want to study to be a doctor of some sort." And now I know why.

"Oh! Well, there's so many types. You're a senior correct?" She asked him and he nodded in reply. "Well what university are you going to?"

"Shiganshina."

"How fun! I went to Trost, but that was because my sister needed me close to take care of her little children." Carla leaned over the table to pinch my cheek. 

"Children?" Levi looked at me. "You have siblings?" 

I froze. I didn't want to bring up my sister or anyone I knew really.

"Y-yeah." I rushed the word out of my mouth.

"What are their names?"

I was quiet for a few seconds.

"Mikasa. That was her name." I said bluntly and stood. "I'm going to bed."

"Wait, Eren." Carla called after me.

         I picked up my mostly full plate and walked to the island in the kitchen to place it on the counter. I thought I'd heard someone come in but it turned out I was hearing things. I walked to the stairs but I heard the hushed whispers of my aunt and boyfriend talking.

"It's just, he blames himself. He thinks what happened to them is his fault." I heard Carla explain to him.

"I understand that, but-" Levi began to say something but was cut off.

"But nothing Levi. Look I know you care about him but you don't know what that boy had been through and I won't be the one to tell you. That's up to him." Carla was  _finally_  siding with me.

"Carla-" He was trying to argue.

"No. You don't get to grill him for answers or anything. I like you Levi, you seem like a great person, but don't think I won't hesitate to push you away if you're  _anything_  like his old friends. 

        I heard Levi sigh and push away from the table and took that as my cue to get upstairs. I had just gotten to my room when he came in as well. I didn't make eye contact with him but he was trying to get my attention. I decided I needed a shower to relax myself and I felt filthy after today, not because of the dirty acts committed but because I had my secrets exposed to the world. It was cold and disgusting, just like I was. I went to my dresser and grabbed a black hoodie, jeans and boxers. The jeans were because I was probably going to go out later.

"Eren, do you want to talk?" Levi called to me from where he stood by my window now. 

"No, I want a shower." I went to leave the room and he let me pass without a word.

 _He obviously knows he's pissed you off._  The voice spoke out my internal thoughts and fears.

        The shower was like any other. I let the water heat up, cleaned my body, got out, shaved and stared at myself until I was dried. It was routine for me by now. Once I was dry I put on my clothes without looking at my own body, a skilled I mastered very quickly since the scars began rising in numbers. I threw on my hoodie and left without a second glance in the mirror. 

        I walked back into my room to find Levi turning on Netflix and setting up a B grade horror movie. He swiftly pressed the play button and turned and faced me.

"Wanna watch this with me?" He raised an eyebrow. "And why are you wearing jeans?" 

"Sure what movie?" I ignored his second question.

"I don't know it was the middle one in the 4th row. Come on let's lie down." He began walking to me.

"Sure what are you- Ah!" He picked me up bridal style and laid me on the bed. "Levi why did you do that?" I glared at him.

"Because I felt like it." He smirked and sat next to me. "And your face was priceless, you looked so surprised."

"Jerk." I mumbled and scooted away from him. 

"Tch brat." He stayed in place.

"I'm not moving." I said looking at the gap between us.

"Neither am I." He kept his eyes at the stupid movie that had begun.

"Well if you won't move and I won't move I'm going to make use of my time and do some schoolwork." I leaned over the edge of my bed and grabbed my bag.

"Eren, come on it's late." He was looking at me while I fished out my lyric book.

"Well I'm not allowed at school tomorrow due to Carla's orders so I'll sleep when I need it." I found the little green composition book and took it out.

"Wow, even I'm not that committed to school."

"You also are smart and already got accepted into college. I'm a junior, this year makes or breaks me." I opened it to a fresh page and chewed on my pen cap. "Besides this is our project for music class." 

"Oh yeah... what are we doing again?" He looked at my blank page.

"We're doing a classical piece that we need to write." I looked at him. "Ideas?"

"You can sing. We can do a piano piece and you can make your favorite rock song an acoustic." He said blandly.

"What? I can't sing Levi." I defended myself.

"Yeah you can, I heard you in the shower earlier. It was in German though so I didn't understand it. You’re a bit sharp but have great potential."

        I stared at him in bewilderment.  _Levi heard me sing... and he_ liked _it?_   _Where did I find this guy? Oh god don't be an illusion._

 "I- I don't know. Levi I hate preforming in front of people." 

"Relax we just have to put it on a flash drive and play the recordings."

"I don't even know any song I'd want to sing."

"Write one maybe?" He suggested and I glanced down to my book. I had countless lyrics and beats written down sloppily in here for who knows how long but they were all dark and depressing. 

"I don't know." I began flipping through some of my stuff.

"Wait." He leaned over and took the book from me, "You already have stuff written?"

"I-it's old and dumb." I reached to get it back and he willingly did so. 

"That one is good. I mean, the one about pushing on."

"Really? I don't know it just doesn't seem... me." I read over the lyrics. I had written them when Levi first talked to me, maybe he was the reason why they were happier than the rest.

"When did you write it?"

I paused and looked at the date. It was a week old, the same day I started at Shiganshina the same day Levi had kissed me. 

"A week ago." That's all I said. 

"You met me a week ago." He was catching on.

"Yeah, you also punched me in the face." I didn't mean to let that slip out.

"I've told you before I'll tell you again I have this reputation to keep up." He sighed the last part out.

"Explain it." I put my notebook down on the floor and sat up facing him.

"It's a long story."

"I've got-" I tried speaking but began to yawn, "Time."

"You've got no energy though." He broke through the barrier of empty space between us and pulled me to lie next to him. 

"I can muster up some." I looked over at him. "It would require me to go get some coffee though."

"Forget it Eren, just go to sleep." He leaned his head into my chest and wove his hands around my thin waist.

"Will you explain tomorrow? It bothers me a lot." I closed my eyes and leaned my chin on top of his head.

"Sure brat, now go to sleep before I make you myself." He mumbled out.

        I said goodnight and let the darkness slither into my mind, taking me to a sweet temporary coma of nothingness.

**\---The Next Morning---**

        I woke up to a sunny room again, like yesterday, only today was different. There wasn't slamming of drawers or yelling or tears. There was peaceful serenity. Levi and I had shifted in our sleep and he was now on his stomach next to me but his feet were intertwined with my legs. I chuckled softly at the thought of how innocent and calm he looked, he lacked his usual piercing expression with furrowed eyebrows. I stretched while lying down and turned to grab my phone.

        For the first time in forever I looked at the date and the month made me feel heavy in my heart for some reason. It was November 16, 7 months and 11 days since they died. I glanced to the tie to see it was only 9 am.  _Maybe I should make Levi some breakfast._ I thought to myself and before I could think my body was reacting, dragging myself out of bed and downstairs. There was a note on the granite island from Carla.

**_Boys, I had to go to work and have presentations due so I will probably not be back until supper time. Please do some schoolwork and if you want to you may go out and do something fun, just be safe. -Carla_ ** _**xx**_

"Of course Carla." I smiled at the thought that she'd seemed willing to think I was relatively okay. "Let's see what could we make Levi for breakfast?" I looked around my kitchen and decide to do typical scrambled eggs and toast. 

        I set about making the easy recipe food and checked through the texts from all my old friends that I'd been ignoring. I stopped when I saw one from Jake.

**Message From: Jake 6:03 AM November 7**

_Hey Eren, just thought I'd let you know that I know you're going to Trost. Is it any fun? Erwin says 'hi' btw._

        I felt my blood begin to boil but simply went about reading others and deleting them all. I finished making the food and put it on two plates. I went up the steep stairs. I turned the corner heading to my room to find it empty as well. I placed the plate down on my cleaned dresser and looked around to see no one. 

"Levi?" I called out and began to worry if he'd slipped past me. "Levi are you still here?"

"Yeah." I heard a groggy voice reply and turned to see Levi walk in. "I was taking my morning shit." 

 "Nice language." I sarcastically snapped. 

"It's the best language ever." He mumbled and leaned on the door-frame.

"You have such a dirty mouth." I shook my head at him.

"You must know from first-hand experience." I looked away and blushed at that comment. 

"You  _little_  jerk." I walked over to him and made sure to emphasize 'little'. 

"Watch it brat." He wrapped his arms over my neck. "This "little jerk" can beat your ass."

"Mhm I'd totally take you in a fight." I leaned down and placed a chaste kiss over his lips. 

"Remember last time you said that kid? I beat your ass." He smirked and looked up at me.

"I just wasn't ready!" I rushed the words out of my mouth.

"Tch whatever. Besides what did you make?" He glanced behind me and the plate.

"I made eggs and toast because that's all I can make." I let go of him and he released me. "If you want we could eat then go to the park for a little?" I suggested to him.

"Sure brat, whatever you want." He moved to sit on the bed and I grabbed the plates to bring over.

        We ate in a peaceful silence and he didn't bring up my small portions thankfully. I brought the plates downstairs and washed them off while he put on his shoes and coat. I quickly finished rinsing them and put on my own shoes, leaving off a coat because I was wearing long sleeves.

“Eren put on a coat.” Levi warned me.

“I’ll be fine.” I brushed it off. “Besides this is how I always am, I’m naturally hot.” I winked at him.

“You’re such a brat.” He huffed and opened the door to the brisk air.

“Whatever. Come on let’s go.” I began walking out the door and let Levi walk side by side with me. There was about two inches of space between the two of us and I didn’t seem to mind.

Levi however did. He quickly grabbed my hand and linked our fingers together.

“Levi?” I was still going to get my questions answered today.

“Hm?” He hummed in response.

“You never told me why you act like two different people.” I said as we walked into the park, which was coated in fallen leaves.

“I told you it was a long story.”

“And now we have time.”

He sighed.

“Do you want to walk or sit?” He looked at the ground like it was filled with diseases.

“We can walk Mr. Clean.” I chuckled at his grimace.

“Thanks brat.” He began walking with us still hand-in-hand. “So… I guess I can start from the beginning.”

“That normally works best.” I said in a sassy tone.

“Oi don’t be snarky or I won’t tell you.” He snapped.

“Okay, okay.” I held my free hand up in defeat.

“Well, freshman year I used to get a lot of shit. My parents had died in a house fire so I was living with my uncle Kenny, the town’s drunk. I had a shitty life with him at home, that’s a story for another day. Basically he abused the fuck out of me and everyone called me weak for it and took advantage over that fact. When they found out I was gay too life became worse. One day I snapped on a kid and beat the shit out of him. I mean there was blood everywhere, and it was his. I went to the police station and he went to the hospital. After that day, everyone was scared of me. I hated hurting people but I guess that I had to keep this reputation up of how I don’t care and I’ll hurt anyone and everyone.” He looked at me.

I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I said a stereotypical reply.

“Wow.”

“Anyways.” He continued. “So that was all freshman year, I got through the rest of my years keeping up this routine of don’t care I’ll hurt you if you fuck with me. Teachers were too scared to get me into trouble, Kenny still beat the shit out of me, I was passing classes and I was just numb. That’s the story of my reputation. Anything else you want to know?” He stopped and turned to me.

“Why me? Like why are you nice to me, what made you change your mind and not make me like that kid you torment every day?” I couldn’t stop the question leaving my mouth. 

“Because I saw how hurt you already were. I didn’t want to add any more onto what you had.” He didn’t even think about his words. “You just gave this vibe of ‘I can pretend I’m fine’ and I couldn’t fall for it.”

I was silent. I couldn’t think of anything to say again. 

"But... why  _me_? Why wasn't there any other guys, or why wouldn’t there be others?" 

"Honestly, there were other guys. They didn't let me in like you did though." He paused waiting for me to yell about others, but I understood it. "You let me in and let me help you even though you were terrified of me."

"I'm glad I'm not." I looked at the ground. 

"Me too." He took my hand and we continued walking. I felt less tense knowing that Levi wasn't toying with me, but I still wanted to know more about him.

        We headed back home and spent the day lounging about doing homework. Carla was true to her word and came home with food again, but it was plain pizza. I ate a full slice while Levi ate 3. We watched some dumb horror movies, with me screaming like a girl mostly, and went to bed finally around 11. As we were lying down I felt my stomach clench and remembered about my appointment at 10 tomorrow. 

"Levi I don't want to go tomorrow." I hugged him to my body.

"I know, but you have to kid." He leaned into my embrace. "It's not so bad, just answer what makes you comfortable and he'll understand if you don't."

"But, what if-" I felt my emotions get the best of me and began worrying, but was cut off.

"Eren, look at me." I glanced to meet his stern stare, "if you only focus on the dark you'll never see the glimpse of light. Think about the good outcomes for this okay?"

I nodded.

"Good, now go the fuck to sleep." He sighed and let his head fall on my chest once again.

"Night Levi." I whispered and closed my eyes hearing a small hum in reply.

 

Tomorrow couldn't come fast enough.

 


	13. Give Me Therapy

"Eren Jeager." I heard the soft voice of the secretary call out. I lifted my head up and looked at her.

"Yes?"

"Dr. Pixis will see you now." She smiled at me.

I looked to my left at Carla.

"Well, let's not keep him waiting." She smiled at me and stood, walking into the room. I sighed and followed in suit.

"Hello." I looked at the person the voice came from. "I’m Dr. Pixis, how are you today?"

        I looked him over quickly. He wasn't old but was somewhere in his late 40's or early 50's. He had a grey mustache, but not like a pedo mustache. 

"Fine." I looked around the room now. The walls were a light beige with a few "positive" posters about recovery. Mr. Pixis sat at a wooden desk near a window with two plush chairs in front of it. It felt like a comfortable environment, which helped me be at ease a little.

"Please sit." He smiled and gestured to the seats in front of him. I took the one on the right, Carla on the left. Once we were situated he spoke again. "So Carla, you explained to me the overview of what is wrong, but if you don't mind I'd like to hear the details."

"Would you rather hear them from Eren? All I know really is what you've told me." Carla looked to me with eyes begging me to try.

"Eren, are you comfortable doing this?" Pixis was looking at me.

"Um...” I was holding myself back. "I'm not really... comfortable.... discussing this..." I said slowly.

"Well, I don't mean to push you but you must open up a little for me to be able to help you." 

"I- I don't know where to start." I breathed out.  _Not a total lie_.

"Well, how about when things went bad?" He suggested.

I froze. Jake was when everything fell apart but I didn't want to bring him up... not yet.

"When I- when my parents died." I almost let slip I killed them.

“I see.” He folded his hands and placed them on his desk. “And how long ago was this?”

“7 months.” I said like I’d rehearsed that line.

“Carla mentioned you have various pills and bottles of alcohol. Is this true?”

“Yes.” It was flatly spoken.

“How long had that been going on?” He was speaking slow and calm, waiting for an explosion.

“18 months." Another rehearsed tone.

"So, you had been doing these things before your parents’ accident?"

I nodded. I wanted to say as little as necessary to this guy.

"Why?" He kept his hands folded but this time lifted them to rest his head while watching my reaction.

"I- I'd rather not discuss it."

"And why is that?"

"I don't trust you." I blurted out. I meant it, but I didn't mean to  _say_  it. 

"That's okay. Besides the substance abuse, is there anything else you do?" He asked me, like he  _knew_  there was more.

"Yes." I said. 

"And what is that?"

It was silent for a moment as I debated whether to tell him or not.

"Eren, you can trust me a little I promise." He pushed a little.

"I cut." I murmured out so it was barely audible and put my head down.

"You're not the first to say it." I looked at him again. "Many young adults find this as an alternative, there are many reasons why they do it. But if you don't mind, I'd like to know yours." He looked at me patiently.

"It-" I paused.  _Should I really tell him?_  

 _No, you can't._  A little voice in my mind came back.

"T-there's this voice... in my head. It yells at me and it makes me feel like shit. It makes it all quiet and it helps me feel lighter." I struggled to get the words out. "Sounds stupid, huh?"

“That makes more sense than you’d think Eren. The reason why it works is because the voice in your head is actually your own thoughts, and by focusing on a form of physical pain you forget the mental pain you’re experiencing.” He told me. “If I may ask, how often do you do it?”

“I used to do it a lot.” I looked at the beige wall behind him now.

“Used to?” He looked a little confused.

“I’ve been getting help from... a friend.” I stated it simply.  _Should I tell him about Levi? No. Only if he asks._

“That’s very good, Eren. Did you choose to do this, or is it being forced upon you?” He meant it as harmless, but I felt like I was being accused of not wanting this.

“I chose to…” I trailed off.  

“Are you sure?” He asked me.

Was I sure?

“Yes.”  _Liar._

Then there was a small  _ding_  signaling the appointment was over. 

"Well, it seems the hour has passed. I normally give my patients a little project to do within the passing time of their visits. Would you be comfortable doing this?" 

"Sure."

"Well I'd like you to get a journal and write down your feelings, good or bad, and next time you visit you can share them."

"Okay."  _I am_ so not  _doing this_.

"And Carla, I have this list of prescriptions I'm putting him on. Based on his history I'd rather you have the pills so he doesn't take advantage of them." He tore off a list and handed the paper over to my aunt. 

"That works fine for me. What is the dosage and what not for these?" Carla said making me jump a little. I had forgotten she was there.

"I have it written on here, but the Abilify will be taken once a day, Xanax will be taken .5 g in the morning and before bed and on pill of Truxal in the morning. Is that simple enough?

"Yes, that works fine." Carla smiled at him.

"Good. Well I'll show you to the door." He stood and walked around his desk. He was taller than me by an inch or two.

"Thank you very much Mr. Pixis." Carla said.

When I said nothing she elbowed me in the side

"Uh- yeah thanks."

"You're welcome. See you next week Eren. Don't forget about your project of the week. If you want a few ideas I have this sheet that has other topics to write on." He handed me a paper with a list of objectives.

        I nodded and we left his office. Carla had told me I was grounded because of what happened this morning so Levi wasn't allowed to hang out the rest of the weekend. I decided to try and get out of it once we were situated in the car.

"So Carla you love me right?" I was going to try to trick her into letting me be with friends.

"Yes." She glanced at me quizzically then put her eyes back on the road. "Why?"

"Well, friends are very important to a-" I was cut off.

"No." It was sharp and to the point of no discussion. "Remember this morning? You kicked me Eren!"

"I didn't mean to!" I defended myself as I remembered earlier events. "At least I was nice the rest of the morning."

\----Flash back----

I’ve never been a morning person so you can guess when Carla came to get me up at 8:30 to start my day I was the definition of an asshole.

“Eren, up you get.” I felt someone shaking my shoulder.

“Ugh fuck off.” I grumbled and kicked them. I felt my foot make contact with something and heard them cry out with a mix of anger and slight pain.  _Serves you right._

“Eren Jeager get out of bed this instant! And for kicking me you can go ahead and be grounded!” Carla yelled at me. I winced at the change of sound. “Up. Now! Let’s go!” She ripped my blanket away.

“Carla, seriously it’s fucking 8:30.” I grumbled. “Besides if you keep yelling you’ll wake up Levi.” I peeked my eyes open to see no one was in bed with me.

“I’m already up.” I bolted to a sitting position to see Levi leaning against my door-frame holding a cup of tea. “I’ve actually just been watching the whole time.” He was smirking at me.

“Come on now, everyone is awake. Be ready by 9:30 Eren, we’re leaving then.” She got up. “And yes, still grounded because that hurt Eren, you’d think someone was kidnapping you."

“You’re kidnapping my sleep.” I snapped back.  _You’re lucky you can walk, I hate people who are so energetic in the mornings._

She shook her head. "I'm going to start some food, it's simple eggs and bacon good?" Levi nodded and simply gave a grunt of approval. Carla walked out after to start cooking.

“Eren, stop being a brat. Get up or I’m pouring my tea on you.” Levi threatened.

“You wouldn’t.” I fell back and rolled onto my stomach and slammed my head into the pillows.

“Do you want to test that?”

“No.” I mumbled into the pillow. “Go away."

                I felt someone grab my foot and suddenly my body met the floor with a large thump.

 "Get the fuck up Jeager!" Levi practically yelled at me. 

"Ow. Okay fine fine I'm up." I grumbled out.  _But just barely._

"Good. Come on, you can either: shower, begin to get ready then eat or go help Carla make breakfast. Choose one." 

"Ugh, I guess I'll go get ready." I sighed and heaved myself off the floor. 

"At the speed you're going I'll be 100 by the time you get to the bathroom." Levi sassed out.

"Psh I can go slower." I began to drag my feet more, trying to get a reaction out of him.

"No. No you don't." He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the bathroom and shoved me in. 

\----End Flashback---

"I don't care. You had no excuse to be a grouch, so you're grounded." She said as we pulled into our driveway. "Be grateful I let you keep your electronics." 

"Yeah... I would've run away if you took my phone."

"Mhm, go upstairs and do whatever boys do when they aren't kanoodiling with their boyfriends."

"Carla." I whined at here, stretching the final 'a'.

"Go, it's noon. Do you want lunch?"

"Not really."

"Fine but you have to have dinner."

"That works."

        I spent the rest of the day lounging in my room texting Levi about random stuff and actually cleaned out my closet finding dust, old photos and a moldy raisin. I told Levi about it and all he had to say was  _'that's fucking disgusting, kid"_. It actually really was. Dinner had passed quickly enough and Carla made sure to make me eat a good portion of the chicken alfredo. Once I had finished my food I watched a couple ' _Say Yes to the Dress'_  with her and headed back upstairs. I stayed up until 3 am reading some manga I had.

        I woke up Sunday around 12 and was still grounded so I texted Levi again, but he said he had work to do so until 5 he couldn't talk. I decided to start on a journal for my therapist. I brought out a traveler's journal that Mikasa had given me for my 17th birthday. It was a brown leather bound book with blank pages that were designed to look aged. I quickly set to customizing it but separating it into 3 categories;  **Happy Thoughts** ,  **Bad Thoughts** , and  **Goals**. I figured I'd make this a long term booklet and write about feelings. It said on the paper that writing about your own self's thoughts would help you focus on your good qualities and what ones you don't like you would change. My goal section was to write down what I wanted to accomplish, within reason. I wanted to recover, but I was also scared. I really wanted to just disappear and hope no one saw.

But I couldn't do that. It would hurt Levi and Carla too much. I'd just have to stick it through.

 _You know you are just going to fuck this up,  right?_ The voice sung to me.

"I won't." I shakily let out.

 _Oh but you_ will.  _You're going to miss the feeling of that razor gliding over your tan skin. You're going to miss the buzz pills give your head. You're going to miss drinking yourself out cold. You're going to miss being what you have_ always  _been._

It was right, but I was strong. I knew it.

"No. I'm going to be okay. Got it?"

 _No no dear. What about the_ rush?

"The... the rush?" I was confused.

_The rush of adrenaline you get when it's all happening, of course! The one where your body will fight and the adrenaline pulses in you, showing how alive you are. It tells you how the world teeters on a scale of life and death._

"No." I was shaking my head.

 _Dear, trust me I_ kno _w you'll miss it. God, you’re living a world of ignorance._

"No. I'm okay." I was shaking now. "I- I promised myself I'd be okay."

 _You've done that before. How did that turn out? Oh that's right! You_   _were breaking down and hey fucked it up. Time doesn't change people sweetie._

"Shut up." I covered my ears with shaking hands.

_You've gotten worse once Jake was here. Call him up. Oh wait... you remember what he called to you, don't you?_

"Stop. Please god stop!" I was near shouting.

"Eren?" I heard Carla call out to me. "Are you doing okay?" I heard stepping on the stairs.

"Yeah... I'm okay!" I called back holding my voice steady.  _Please believe me. Please believe me._

"Are you sure? I heard crying...” She was nearing my door.

"Yeah, I'm just writing stuff down." The steps paused.

"Eren” She called softly through the door. "Eren sweetie do you want to talk about it?"

_She knows Eren. She knows about us._

"No I'm fine." I heard a sigh.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'm going back to do some work downstairs... call if you need something."

"Thanks." I called just loud enough and waited until her footsteps stopped sounding.

I felt my cheeks become warm and wet. I put my hand up and brushed off tears from my eyes.

"S-shit." I sobbed out.

 _What's wrong dear?_  It mused to me now.

"I- I'm w-weak." I whispered out with more tears streaming down my face.

I began to cry harder.

The silence was still there for me.

I couldn't keep sobs in any more so I began biting my thumb, leaving teeth marks in my flesh. I don't remember why I cried... I just did. I let it out. All 2 years of my past abuse tears spilled out.

The silence was still there.

I fell off my chair and lied on the floor in a fetal position, curled up with my hand in my mouth, sobbing. I stopped biting down when I had a metallic taste in my mouth, realizing it was blood. I was done crying by now and one phrase was stuck in my mind, and it was the last before I fell asleep. The last time I thought of it, it came in the voice of its owner; Jake.

**Eren Jeager, you’re dead to me.**

**\----Time Skip----**

The phone has been ringing for 5 minutes but I don't feel like moving. I simply stated at the black block. I watched the screen light up as  _I Don't Car_ e by Apocalyptica was playing out its speaker. It was a nice song, very fitting for my mood right now.

Because I was lying on the ground and my phone was in my desk I couldn't read who was calling me. I groaned and sat up. I reached my arm as far as it could go and wiggled my fingers until they touched the vibrating object. I quickly grabbed it and saw it was Levi. I hit answer.

"Ngh, hello" I grumbled out.

"Eren? Are you okay?" He sounded a little panicked.

"Y-yeah I'm fine. I just woke up, that's all." I heard a sigh on the other line.

"Oh okay." 

"What's wrong?" I could sense he was still a little worried.

"Nothing, I was just worried. You didn't answer my texts and I've been calling you for a while."

"Oh." I paused.  _Why is he so protective? This doesn't seem like Levi._  "Well are you okay now that you know I'm safe and sound?" 

"Yes."  He gave a simple reply. "I miss your stupid face though."

"Wow, I'm offended. My face is not  _that_  stupid." I pretended to be upset.

"Whatever brat." He sighed out. "How was your day?"

I paused. 

Should I tell him?

"Eren?"

I couldn't respond. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't really explain it.

"Eren!" Levi's yell caught my attention.

"Yes? Hm? Sorry. I zoned out."

He chuckled. "Of course you did brat." 

"Shut up." I mumbled out and rolled onto my stomach.

"Hey you got Skype right?" He asked.

"Yeah... why?" I hope he doesn't ask my name.

"What's your Skype name? I want to vid chat with you."

Oh shit.

"Heh... yeah... um" I stuttered out. "Mine is really embarrassing so..."

"Jeager." He said in a curt tone.

"Alright, it'sErenGayger69." I said it out really fast.

"What is it?" 

"Eren. Gayger. Sixty. Nine." I said slowly and harshly, embarrassed by my own username. "Look I was young and stupid. I-" I was cut off by laughing. Levi's laughing.

        It was a rare sound to be heard. It wasn't one of those moments in books where it seems like an angel is calling. It was just an average laugh, low and rumbly. I loved it anyway though.

"Jesus Eren, I haven't laughed in so long." I heard him wheeze out after his fit. "I'm going to add you on Skype now."

"O-okay. Glad my stupid middle school name could help." I mumbled out.

"Oi brat accept the damn request." He instructed.

"Fine fine. Are you-" I paused and looked over the name.

"Don't. Say. It. Aloud." His voice was menacing.

"Levi Fuckerman?" I burst out laughing. "Man I don't know who has a worse name."

"Okay I'm hanging up now." He said and I could hear him move the phone.

"No no! Wait, I'm sorry okay? There I added you." I said as I clicked 'accept'.

"You're such a brat." He sighed out and hung up.

        I heard the incoming Skype call coming from my laptop on my desk and sighed.  _I do not wish to move._  I got up anyways and hit 'answer'. I looked at Levi who was in pajamas and his hair was slightly messy. He looked kind of cute, which he'd kill me for saying. I giggled at his appearance.

"The fuck are you giggling at?" He shot out when he saw my giggle at him.

"Nothing, nothing at all." I breathed out.

"Tch." He rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me." I pretended to be upset again.

"Yes  _Mother_." He sarcastically replied.

        My mind went blank when he said that. I used to do that to my own mother.

"Oi, you okay? I'm sorry if that uh- if that triggered you. I swear-" I cut him off.

"It's fine. I was just thinking of how cute you look." I smirked at him. 

"I'm not cute." He was determined to prove me wrong.

"Sure you are." I kept smirking.

"Do I need to come over there and slap you? I'm not cute." He threatened.

"I'd love you to come over, but the slapping is a bit overboard." I slyly replied.

"Yeah yeah. Shouldn't you be getting ready for bed brat?" He looked me over. I was still in my jeans and AC/DC shirt. 

"Yeah, but I'm hella lazy." I said, not realizing my words.

"Hella? What the fuck is that Jeager?" He looked at me like I was an alien.

"Just a word people on Tumblr use."

"What the fuck is Tumblr?" He looked bewildered.

"Ah, Levi, poor poor Levi. I'll show you it someday." I shook my head.

"Whatever, go get ready for bed brat."

"Nah, I'll pass."

He gave me an icy glare with eyes like silver daggers. 

"Okay okay, I'll go get ready. Want me to just hang up then call you back?" 

"Do you think I care if I watch you change and everything?" He gave me a look of boredom.

"Right...” I remembered what we've done. "Fine whatever." 

        I stood and went to my closet and grabbed some plain black sweats and a long sleeved grey shirt. 

"So brat, when are you ungrounded? He was watching me very closely.

"Uh, tomorrow I think." 

"Do you want to come over to my place tomorrow?"

"Sure." I beamed at him now. "Your parents won't mind?"

"I don't have any parents. They kicked me out." He said in a serious tone. "But that's the past, don't bother with 'condolences' or that shit. So yes?"

"Yeah." I realized that with where my laptop was placed it viewed my entire room giving me no free space to change.

"What are you looking so confused for kid?" 

"Just, uh- Never mind. Do you mind if I just change in here?" I asked shyly.

"Eren." He gave me the look of ' _are you fucking serious?_ ’ "I've seen you pretty close to ass naked, do you think I care?"

"R-right." I stuttered out. "It's just... my scars and-" I was cut off.

"Eren I really don't care. It's your past, they aren't going away. I don't want to give them false beauty or anything but I'm not going to make you feel like shit for having them." 

"Thanks." I smiled at him. "Hey did you do the math homework for Mr. Zackly's class?" I asked him as I changed my pants.

"Nope.  Did you?"

"Yes, it was hard as fuck though." I sighed and pulled off my current shirt.

I saw him looking at my torso, I knew he was thinking about my scars and my bones. It made me embarrassed.

"What?" I looked at him quizzically and tossed my shirt on the ground by my pants.

"Hey pick up your clothes. No wonder your room is so messy." He sighed out. _Nice save, Levi._

"You're such a clean freak." I mumbled as I picked up my shirt and placed it, along with my jeans, in the hamper. 

"What was that?" He gave me a cold stare.

"Nothing, Mr. Clean." I smirked.

"Watch it brat."

"Or what?" I smirked at him.

"I'll make sure to never touch you again."

"You know for a clean freak, you have a pretty dirty mind." I smirked, knowing I was winning.

"Oh fuck you." He growled out.

"Sure thing babe." I winked at him and finally put on my shirt.

"Tch whatever." He looked away but I could see color on his cheeks.

"Oh my god... Levi are you... are you blushing?" I laughed at him.

"N-no." He stuttered. "Shit." 

"You totally are." I was chuckling at him.

"Shut. Up. Kid." He growled at me.

"I finally fucking made the one Levi Ackerman show emotion. I feel like a champion." 

"Okay fine kid, you win."

        I laughed a bit more and sat in my chair again. We sat in silence for a few moments. During that silence I thought about me and Levi. What were we? Were we a secret, or could we be open? At school he always ignored me and such, but when it was just us he was he sweetest ever. Could he change his mind?

"Oi, what are you thinking of?" He pulled me out of the silence.

"Nothing." I said, pushing aside my thoughts.

"No, you get that 'someone kicked my puppy' look whenever you're thinking something serious. What is it?"

I was quiet for a moment.

"Hey Levi?" I hesitantly broke the silence.

"Hey Brat?" He smirked.

"Shut up." I sighed but held no actually aggression to my words. "Can I ask you something?"

"Hm?"

"How bad would it ruin your rep if people knew about us?" I was a bit nervous of my question.

"I don't know, why?" He looked at me quizzically

"Because... I don't want to hide what we are." I scratched the back of my head.

"We can find out, if you want us to be open we can." He said to me. "But I'll break anyone to make sure you don't get hurt, that's all I'm worried about." He glanced at me.

"I'm tough, I can fight. I'd be fine. I'm just worried about your reputa-"

"Eren listen to me." He stopped and faced me. "I don't give a damn about my shitty reputation, I care about you and I'll do whatever you want to. I'd love for us to be out, so if you want to we can." I knew he was serious when he said my name.

"Thank you." I said and we walked home in peaceful silence again. 

"Now go to sleep brat. You look like shit." He smirked at me.

"Pfft whatever. Who needs sleep?" I yawned as soon as those words were out.  

"You do, apparently. And so do I." His eyes began to droop.

"Okay. G'night Levi." I smiled at him.

"Good night brat." He hung up after he said that.

Right as I was about to sleep I got a text message.

**New Message From: Jake**

_Hey Eren. I know we've had a bad past, but I wanted to let you know in advance that I'm joining Trost tomorrow. I'll see you around maybe? Sweet dreams (;_

And with that, my nightmares all came back.


	14. All That Happens is Drama

 

        I woke up at the average time of 6 o'clock A.M. I rolled out of bed and landed on the floor with a loud thump.

“Jesus Christ why the Hell does school start so fucking early.” I laid on my stomach, unwilling to move.

I laid there for a few moments until I heard Carla knocking.

“Eren, come on time to get up!” I could just  _hear_  her smile.

“No.” I pushed my face onto the floor.

“Come on. I’m opening the door!” She called to me.

I heard the door creak and couldn’t be bothered to look at her.

“I know you hate school, and you have had a bad week but  _please_  can you try? I can’t let you have another sick day because I have work to do and  _you_  have work at school.” She sighed “Besides you have to take your meds.” She shook the orange bottle.

“I feel fine.” I grumbled out against the carpet. I rolled over and sat up, looking at my aunt.

        She was already dressed for work in her scrubs and her black hair tied up into a messy bun. She wore no makeup, like usual and had on a pair of faded black converse.

“Eren. Take your pills please." She shook out my dosage and held them to me in her palm.

I sighed realizing I had no argument and took the pills. I had a water bottle on my desk but I really didn't want to move so I just looked at it longingly, hoping Carla would realize what I wanted.

"I'm not getting it for you." She sighed and looked at me like she was waiting ages.

"I'm not getting up." I challenged her.

"Well, if that is the case you can take them dry." She smirked at me.

"Oh god no." I stood and grabbed the bottle, untwisted the cap, took the little pills and taking a sip of it with each one. I grimaced at the taste and pretended to gag.

_Disgusting._

"That tastes like shit." I grumbled out.

"Well, get used to it. These are to be taken every day. Now I have some breakfast ready so go ahead and get changed so you and eat and go. Do you want me to drive you?" She smiled at me. Of course I knew it made her day harder because the hospital was all the way on the other side of town.

"No, it's fine. Besides your work is so far away, driving me makes it that much further." 

"Eren, really it's fine."

"Carla, I appreciate it a lot, but take it easy. Okay? I put you through a lot, let me try and lessen this little bit for you?" I stood up now.

She sighed and smiled at me.

“Thank you Eren. You remind a lot of your Uncle Hannes, he cared about others before himself.”

“Thanks Carla. Now go get your keys and leave, you’ll be late!” I turned her around and started to lightly push her.

“Oh hush. I’m going. Besides, you’ll be late too.” She looked at the clock that now read  **6:21**.

"Ah, shit!" I jumped and quickly grabbed my phone. “I have to go!” I yelled as I ran past my aunt, grabbed my bag by my door and bolted down the stairs.

“When will you be home, Eren?” She called to me.

"I have work too Carla! Not sure when I'll be home!" I called back as I went out the door. 

I shut it before hearing her reply. As I was briskly walking to Trost I felt my phone vibrate, signaling I had a message.

**New Message From: Jake**

**Sent: 6:32 A.M.**

_Eren babe, how are you? Hey I need help being shown around and all. Did you know Erwin is at Trost? Yeah well he is, but he’s sick. My locker number is 424. Meet me by it? (;_

Shit. I forgot he was coming to  _my_ school now. I left Maria Secondary to avoid him and the others. I didn’t even have a choice to ignore him as my locker was 420.

**Message To: Jake**

**Sent: 6:34 A.M.**

_No, fuck you. Don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t even fucking breathe next to me. I hate you Jake Hammond. Help yourself around school, and stay away from me._

“Now you’ve done it Eren.” I said aloud to myself.

I felt my phone go off again and checked it.

**New Message From: Babe**

**Sent: 6:39 A.M.**

_Eren, I’ll meet you by your locker. I’m already at school so see you soon brat._

I looked up and saw the school gates. I took in just how much my school looked like a prison.

**Message To: Babe**

**Sent: 6:42 A.M.**

_Okay (: I’m here 2. See u soon._

         I walked up to the school and entered the locker building. Since school didn't start for another 30 minutes there was barely anyone there. I saw Levi standing by my locker in his normal 'Don't Give a Fuck' state. He wore grey skinny jeans that fit his legs in all the right places, a black V-neck that was tight enough to show he had some muscle and a white beanie over his raven hair. He looked hot, like always. He was sipping on a coffee from some shop down the road. I walked over to him.

"Hey Levi." I smiled and leaned against the locker, facing him.

"Brat." He nodded at me. 

"How are you?" I decided to keep conversation simple.

"I feel like shit, it's too early for this." He glared at the clock on the wall and sipped his coffee.

I snorted at his remark. "Geez don't sugar-coat it Levi." 

"I hate sugar so I don't need to coat my words with it." He sighed and leaned on the locker more. 

I glanced around the room for what might be the fifth time, keeping my eyes out for Jake.

"Oi, why do you keep looking around so fucking much kid? Someone coming to kill you?" He jokingly accused me.

"Um, no I'm fine. Just tired." I lied smoothly.

"Oh, so about today-" He was cut off by a voice I hated to hear.

"Eren! Hey." I turned and saw him. He was walking towards me with a smile and his arm open for a hug.

I stepped back and next to Levi closer than a friend would be, hoping it would deter Jake from coming close to me. Thankfully it did and he paused about a meter in front of me. 

        He had his stupid brown hair gelled in the front and he smiled at me with his beautiful white smile. His brown eyes were shining with fake enthusiasm and his voice rang with a hope to be close to me.

"How are you?" He asked.

I was about to answer him but Levi beat me to it.

"Who the fuck are you?" Levi snapped at him. 

"I'm Jake Hammond." My ex held his hand to my current boyfriend, his friendliness was anything but true.

"Oh..." Levi glared at the hand in front of him. "What is your  _relationship_  with Eren?" He looked at Jake with the same hateful glare. He had put two and two together to know this was my ex.

"Well, I knew Eren because we-" I was the one to cut him off.

"Fuck. Off." I growled out the words but it made him stop. When we were together if I ever tried that I'd get punished, so I braced myself by looking away at the floor. 

 _You're still so weak._  The voice chimed to me. 

"Excuse me?" Jakes voice was low and dripped with venom. I could simply feel his glare. 

"Um...” I shifted on my feet. "I'm sorry-” I got cut off again.

"No. Don't be sorry." Levi snapped at me. "And you, you fucking shit-for-nothing piece of trash who doesn't even deserve to be sent to Hell. You stay the fuck away from my boyfriend. You fucked him up and shattered him, don't try to fix him if all you want to do is crack him some more." 

"You're Levi, huh?" He asked like he solved the DiVinci code and left Levi stumped.

"What?" He looked puzzled.

"Erwin talks about you." He shrugged. "You fit his description, loud mouthed, short, grumpy and overall you think you're top dog. News flash kid, I'm taking over. What's mine, "He glanced over at me, “Will  _remain_  mine."

        Jake turned and walked to his locker that was a few rows down and grabbed a binder out of it. He made sure to slam it shut, knowing that would make me flinch. That's what he wanted, a little show to put on for me.

"Just fair warning, Eren always runs back to what hurts." He winked at me and left the hallway.

Levi gave him a cold glare the whole time through Jake's leave.

"Fuck." I heard him whisper. 

"Hey, ignore it. I'll be fine, he's always all threat, no action." I assured him and put my hand on his shoulder. 

        Apparently that wasn't enough though because he turned and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me close. 

"I don't want you getting hurt." He whispered out against my shirt.

I wrapped my arms around him. 

"I won't. I promise." I whispered back to him.

He pulled away and just looked at me with his expressionless face again.

"You knew about this... didn't you?" His tone changed to slight anger.

"I- I was going to tell you-" I began to explain myself.

"When did you find out?" His eyes began to shine with annoyance now.

"Last night, after I got in bed he texted me. He texted me this morning too, but I kind of just... let it go." I mumbled out the last sentence.

He sighed softly.

"Look let's just focus on school for today, and at work we can talk about what we'll do. Sound good?" 

"Sure." I nodded back.

"Levi! What are you doing with  _this_?" I heard a voice call from the end of the hallway followed by footsteps

"What do you mean?" I saw Levi glare at the person as they came behind me. "He's fine Oluo."

        I turned and saw it was the blond boy from last week who pinned me on the wall. Next to him was the same man with the short brown hair. I recognized the brown haired one as Gunther because Levi had called him out when he was beating me up .The blond one was similar in height but looked more mature with a beard and had longer hair, tied in a ponytail. 

"Well Erwin and Eld said-" The blond started.

"Oluo shut up. I hated you yet Erwin let you in, so I like this kid and I let him in our group." Levi snapped at him. 

        The two began to bicker about who "should and shouldn't" be in their group as I opened my locker and grabbed my things. I listened to the fight taking place, as well as the people who began entering the hall. 

"Why the fuck do you  _want_  this kid here, Levi?" I heard Oluo growl out, low enough that I shouldn't have heard. "Why is he so speci-" He was cut off by biting his own tongue. 

"Maybe because he's my fucking boyfriend!" I heard Levi snap and I looked at the two of them.

        Silence rang through the hall as people stared. I hadn't realized that the hall slowly had filled with other teenagers meeting their friends or grabbing their supplies. I was frozen with fear. The air around me was tight as I saw everyone begin to whisper to one another. Murmurs could be heard around and some began taking out their phones to text everyone about the news on Levi Ackermann being gay and dating the new kid. 

"Y-you're... gay?" Gunther broke in looking shocked. 

Levi was silent for a moment as he just lost all expression in his face, even his eyes dulled down. 

"Yeah." He said it like it was obvious. 

"Huh, never took you as one for that... but okay." He let the topic go. "Is he going to sit with us at lunch?" He looked over at me.

"Oh um,-" I was cut off when a blond coconut called out to me.

"Hey Eren! How are you?" He smiled at me then shrunk back when he saw Levi and his friends glaring at him. "Oh, sorry I- I didn't know I was interrupting. I just wanted to ask if um, you knew how to solve number 6 on Mr. Zackly's homework."

"It’s fine Armin, but um yeah no. I didn't get any of it actually." I told him. 

He sighed out harshly. "Well its fine, I'll just ask him myself. Anyways, are you sitting with us again today?" He looked hopeful at me.

"No." Levi cut in glaring at Armin. "He's sitting with us today."

Armin visibly stiffened at Levi's cold glare. "O-oh... okay."

"Wait, they're my friends too." I snapped at him.

"Fine my group and his bunch of nerds and outcast can join." He shrugged it off.

Armin was looking between us, still a little nervous.

"Wow you already act like a married couple." I heard Gunther whisper softly. 

        Levi probably had a smart ass reply but the bell for first hour rang and everyone began to take their respective leaves.

"Well, as much as I'd love to stay I have the blessed English class."  I said and waved to take my leave.

        Before I could turn I felt a pull on my arm and I felt Levi's lips on mine. I heard a few whistles out and as soon as I registered what was going on the kiss was over.

"See ya brat." He smirked and walked away. 

        I stood for a moment before hearing the warning bell. I quickly adjusted my books in my arms and made my way to English class. I walked into Mrs. Nanaba's class right as the final bell rang, luckily she wasn't in yet. I made my way to my seat and took out an extra piece of paper. I began working on the warm up when she came in. I heard her talking but didn't lift my head.

"Good morning class, sorry I'm a bit late. I was showing around our new student, this is Jake Hammond." My head shot up only to see he was in this class as well. I quickly glanced around to find any open seat he would choose, but the only one open was next to mine. "Would you like to introduce yourself?" She smiled at him.

"Well, I'm Jake and I'm from San Francisco. I like football and music." He smiled and looked at the teacher.

"Well if that's all go ahead and sit next to Eren and begin the warm up. Eren can you raise your hand?" She looked over at me.

        I kept my hands on my desk and my eyes on  _him._  

"That's okay, I already know Eren." He said and made his way to our table. He sat down and pulled out 2 sheets of paper. On one he began to write the notes and warm up and on the other he wrote out a message and slid it over to me.

**Hey Gayger. (;**

I glanced at it and slid it back with no reply. 

**Look, I'm sorry. Can we be friends again?**

Again I slid it back with another blank line. For the rest of class he wrote out apologies and questions about my past year. When the bell rang I picked up the paper and looked at him.

"Hey Jake." I stood up and held the paper. "Stay the fuck away from me." I tore the paper in half and dropped it on his desk.

        I quickly exited the room and went down the hall to math with Mr. Zackly. I went into the class, took my seat and did my notes. Thankfully Jake wasn't in this class, but unfortunately he was still texting me.

**New Message From: Jake 9:42 AM**

_Look I'm sorry. Can you at least act decent around me?_

**New Message From: Jake 9:54 AM**

_Look just accept that I'm sorry. I don't like you, besides Erwin is better in every way. Don't worry about your "boyfriend" either. Just don't kick me out of your life._

**New Message From: Jake 10:11 AM**

_Okay look, how about we meet up and talk about this?_

**New Message From: Jake 10:17 AM**

_Fine, ignore me. You'll regret it later._

        I gritted my teeth and simply turned off my phone. I didn't have time for his stupid problems. I made it through the rest of math, German, and history class; none of which had Jake in them. I was making my way down to the cafeteria to meet up with Armin, but decided to pause at my locker quickly to drop off my books. Nothing significant happened on the way to the cafeteria, but once I joined in the group, things became heated.

         I walked over to Armin, Sasha and Connie, who were sitting in the more middle of the room. We began to chat about various classes. We were all having a nice time munching and chatting.

Until Jean Kirstein showed up.

"Hey Gayger." He teased at me with a voice dripping of nothing but fake friendship as he stood across from me.

"Oh, hi horseface." I said with the tone.

"What did you call me?" He glowered at me.

"Hey, calm down. Why the long face, horseface?" I smirked at him.

"Shut it Jeager!" He snapped rather loudly.

"Chill dude it was a joke." I put my hands up defensively.

"Uh, g-guys can you not fight?" Armin mumbled out to us, but it was useless. 

        They say you can't put two hot-headed stallions together in a pasture because they'll do nothing but fight and they're right. I know this because next this I knew Jean was jumping up and slamming me out of my chair. He would've thrown a punch but I pushed him off first.

"Keep your fucking hooves off me!" I snapped at him.

"I'm. Not. A. Fucking. Horse!" He threw a punch at me, which connected with the side of my face. 

        I completely lost my cool the second I felt my tooth missing. My eyes squinted in anger I felt my arm lift. Neither of us were keeping track of who threw what punch or where that kick landed. Kids had begun to gather around us calling out on who should win.

"Yeah go Jean! Beat Eren to shit!" I heard Connie call out.

"Connie!" Sasha snapped at him between bites of her apple. "Eren, get him!" She cheered me on.

        There were various voices until one stood out and made us both stop. Remember what I said about two hot headed stallions? Yeah well, also fun fact when the cowboy has to break them up it's an ugly time for everyone involved. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" A cold voice snapped.

        Jean froze and I did the same. I realized now that Jean was pretty much straddling me to throw punches, but I'd knocked him good a few times as well. I titled my head back to look up at Levi who was glowering down at me. His eyes were slanted into a thin, icy glare and his mouth was set in a straight line.

 _Damn, I see why people are scared of him_. 

         Jean quickly pushed himself off me and sat back. 

"It wasn't me.  _This_  kid started it!" He called out and pointed to me.

"What! No fucking way you started it Horseface!" I yelled back at him. 

        He stood up above me and I jumped up just as quick. We were about to get into another brawl but I felt a force pull me back from the collar of my shirt and let go. 

"Stop fucking fighting brats." Levi snapped and turned. "Come on, you  _both_  need to go to the nurse. I'm pretty damn sure Jeager broke his nose."  

        I looked over at Jean and saw he had a crooked nose with blood coming out of his nostrils. I sighed and turned to follow Levi, who was going towards the hallway doors. We stood apart and began to follow him. People cleared a small path for us to pass through. We went through the hallways in silence. I was still fuming at Jean for starting a fight over a simple nickname. The silent hallway was filled with tension and anger at the moment and I needed it gone.

"I'm sorry.... for your nose." I mumbled out to Jean.

He grunted in reply.  _Close enough._

        I sighed in frustration but decided to let it go. The nurse’s office was right ahead so there was no point in ditching out on going. We entered the room and were greeted by the nurse. 

"Hey guys, how are y-" She stopped mid-sentence as she saw two eaten teenagers with Levi glowering in the doorway. "What happened?" She quickly ran to Jean and began to inspect his face. 

"Fight." Jean grumbled out to her. 

"You, come with me. We need to fix your nose. As for you" She pointed at me, "Hanji will help you. Hanji!" She called out another girl.

"No, don't get shitty-glasses." Levi spoke out, but then there was a high pitched screech.

"LEEEEEEVI!" A girl with thick glasses and a really messy brown ponytail ran in and threw herself around Levi. "I thought I heard you! Oh, did you hurt someone again? It's better not have been you. You now it's wrong." She began going off on a tangent.

        I watched out of the corner of my eye as the nurse and Jean slowly backed into the other room. I looked back over at the girl who was now in front of Levi and giving him a lecture. He had a bored expression, almost as if he was  _used_  to this. He kept trying to stop her from talking but she wouldn't.

"Hanji." He spoke roughly.

"-and I mean they're what? Freshman? Seriously you're a senior! You're going to college, do you want this on your record?" 

"Hanji!" He raised his voice, but she didn't falter.

"I mean look, he's so adorable. Why would you do it? Seriously Levi." She rambled on.

"I know he's adorable he's my fucking boyfriend who got in a fight with Mr. Asshat over there." That shut her up.... for a moment. Suddenly Hanji turned and raced towards me, jumping on me in an attack hug and squealing.

"Oh! So  _you're_ Eren! Oh my lord, Levi talks to me and Erwin about you  _all_  the time! It's so cute. He really really likes you." She began to ramble off.

"Uh, c-cool. C-can you get off me?" I struggled to breathe in her death grip, surprised I was still standing even. 

"Nope!" She squeezed me tighter. "You made him happier again, therefore hugs." 

        I looked down at her in a mix of bewilderment and fear. I glanced at Levi with this expression and saw him smirking.

"Eren, meet shit-for-nothing friend Hanji Zoe, aka shitty-glasses, who I guess I call my friend." He motioned to her. "Good luck." 

        I didn't understand what he meant until she was dragging me to the little room with beds so she could fix up my cuts, asking if she could take some blood and such for experiments and talking about my eyes. She patched me up fairly quickly, but wouldn't let me leave. 

"Hey we should all ditch 5th hour and head out to that old abandoned park!" She squealed out as we walked back to the lounge room where Levi was sitting. 

"Fuck no shitty-glasses." He mumbled out. 

"But you  _hate_  your 5th hour, I don't have one and Eren here seems like the kind to ditch. No offense." She sent me a small smile. "So let's go!" She was pumped with energy.

"No." 

"I'm down." Levi and I said together.

"He said yes!" Hanji pointed at me. "Let's go!" She grabbed my hand, ran to grab Levi's and pulled us both out of the school and to the parking lot.

        She pulled us in front of her '98 Chevy Blazer that was now a peeling red. She jumped into the driver’s seat meanwhile I went into the back and Levi sat in the passenger seat. She didn't even buckle up and tore out of the parking lot. I would've had fun had I not been fearing my life and trying to calm down. Levi must've noticed because he leaned over and whispered something to Hanji, who slowed down and put on her seatbelt. I sent a thankful glance at him and saw him smirk back. 

        After about 15 minutes of straight driving we reached an old abandoned park that was rusting away hidden by overgrown, untrimmed shrubs. We simply went to sit around on the old play set and Hanji decided that was boring.

"Hey I have an idea." She said on a whim. 

"What?" Levi asked, slightly annoyed at her bouncy personality.

"Let's play truth or dare." She smirked. 

"There’s only three of us." I spoke up.

"So?" She looked really excited for this.

"Okay." Levi sat against the rusty pole that held up the equipment.

"Fine." I sighed out.

"Then let's begin." She smiled at us like she'd planned something. 

This would be fun.

 


	15. That's a Daring Act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay serious note, this is a trigger warning for the last few paragraphs of this chapter because it mentions rape and contains some description of it. If you feel uncomfortable and such don't read it. I hated writing it more than you could know because I know people personally who were affected by rape. It pisses me off how stuff like that happens and the only reason I wrote it was because it does help in the plot.

"You first Levi." She gestured to the boy who was looking fairly bored.

"Fine. Hanji, truth or dare?" He sounded as bored as he looked.

"Dare." She smirked, but he did too.

"I dare you to keep your mouth shut for the next two rounds if it's not your turn."

"W-what?" She looked taken back.

"Yup." He crossed his arms and looked smug.

She whined out but nodded.

"Well now it's my turn so Eren, truth or dare?" She turned her attention to me.

"Ummm." I paused, knowing both had pros and cons. "Truth I guess."

"What do you like about Levi?" She smiled widely. _Too easy._  


"Um... how caring he is, definitely." I smiled up at him.

"Wow, I figured you would've said my fabulous looks." He feigned hurt.

"That was next on the list." I smirked at him.

I glanced at Hanji and could tell she was waiting to burst out with words. I laughed softly at how hard she was trying to keep calm.

"Okay, so my turn." I looked between the two of them. "Levi truth or dare." I pointed at him.

"Hm... dare." He shrugged.

I knew how much he hated dirt and germs, so I decided that I'd be a loving boyfriend who gave a decent dare.

"I dare you to lick the light pole." I smirked at glanced at the light pole next to the play set. It was slightly rusted and looked like it hadn't been cleaned since this park was deemed "too unsafe" almost five years ago.

"Fuck no! You know how dirty that shit is?" He burst out yelling.

"Exactly." I shrugged and leaned back against the pole behind me.

"Fuck you Eren." He growled out but got up. "If I get sick, I'll kill you."

"Yeah yeah love you too." I said jokingly. Hanji elbowed me in side as he began to get off the play set.

"Eren, how are you alive? He'd _kill_ me if I even _thought_ of that dare!" Hanji screamed at me.

"Hanji you can't talk! I'm taking one of your mice." Levi called from the pole.

She wanted to scream out to him but I could tell that she knew the new consequences.

"Yeah well you have to lick a rusty pole, so both parties are hurt!" I called out to him.

He glowered at me and quickly stuck his tongue to the pole before slightly licking up. He began coughing and spitting like he'd eaten rat poison. Hanji and I burst out laughing at the sight of him freaking out while He stalked back over to us and sat down with a huff.

"Well seeing as that pole is extremely dirty, I won't kiss you for a bit." I smirked with my joke.

"Eren, truth or dare." He looked at me slightly angrily.

"Dare." I hesitantly said.

"I dare you to kiss me now." He smirked and leaned forward. "It's only fair."

Hanji was squealing like a pig in the background.

"Fine." I leaned over and pecked his lips. "Done." I was going to lean back but he pulled me forward, crashing our lips together in another kiss and slipped his tongue into my mouth, making sure it got just as dirty as his own.

He sat back and looked at me with a smug expression.

"Just to be fair." He shrugged.

"You... are disgusting." I spat over the end of the playground. "My turn now."

I looked over to see Hanji basically vibrating in her spot.

"She has some weird-ass fetish about couples." Levi cut in to explain her weird state.

"It's not a fetish!" Hanji exclaimed. "I just like watching them to record my studies on how the human brain can work."

"Hey, you can't talk. One more mouse." Levi told her.

Hanji whined like a toddler having a fit but sat back again.

"Oh. Okay then." I looked at her. "Hanji, truth or dare."

"Dare." She lit up that she was allowed to talk and move.

I thought for a moment on how to embarrass Hanji because she seems like one with an outgoing personality.

"I dare you to run down to the circle K over on Maria Street with nothing on but your underwear."

She looked taken back by my dare. "No, truth. I switch to truth!" She yelled out.

"Nope, no take backs." I leaned against the rusty pole behind me. "Or... you can chicken out and your other option is go skinny dip at the high school pool."

Her face was so red I thought she might get a nosebleed from lack of breathe.

"Ereeeeeeen!" She whined out to me. "Please no..." She looked at Levi. "Help me out man, talk your damn boyfriend out of making me do this!"

Levi simply smirked at her. "Hell no Hanji, I want to see this."

She whined as Levi and I stood up.

"Make a choice." I said as I helped her up.

"Fine. What route do I need run to the Circle K?" She sighed out.

"Take Sina Road straight down." I pointed to the main road.

"T-that's the main road! I'll definitely get caught!" She whined again.

"If you do it, I'll buy you a new kit for experiments." I was trying to sound convincing.

"Any one of my choice?" She squinted at me.

"Yes." I nodded.

"Do it Hanji." Levi chimed into our conversation.

She huffed out in annoyance but took off her white coat, shirt and black jeans anyways. She was really attractive. I swear if I wasn't gay I would've totally been with her.

But I was gay and I was with Levi.

"I can keep my bra on right?" She looked between me and Levi. We both looked at each other.

"What do you think?" I asked him.

"I think yes, no one wants to see _that_ much." He stated.

"Well _you_ might not, but others might." Hanji winked at him.

He pretended to gag while I chuckled.

"Alright, and to prove you went _all_ the way, you have to record your journey on video." I grabbed her phone from her jeans pocket and handed it to her.

She cursed under her breath and began recording. She switched the camera to be front facing and began to record.

"Fine. Here I, Hanji Zoe, am going to be running to the circle K in nothing but underwear instead of being in school." She held the camera and began to run off. "I'd also like to say fuck you Eren and Levi!" She yelled over her shoulder.

I sat back down on the old steps to the playground and watched her run off.

"You know... that run is only one mile right? That's at most 10 minutes of her running. She's in track." Levi moved over to sit next to me on my right.

"I know. Jeez I don't want to kill the girl, just have a little fun. I kind of counted on it." I leaned against him.

"Did you now?" He put his arm over my shoulder.

"Yep. Maybe so we could have time for us." I winked over at him.

"You are such a horny teenager." He shook his head and chuckled.

"But you love it." I turned to straddle his lap and placed kisses along his jaw.

"Eren, don't-" He cut himself off by groaning a little as I rolled my hips on him.

"Come on Levi, live a little." I muttered into his ear and nibbled on the lobe.

"How do you go from being innocent to this in a matter of seconds?" he breathed out.

"Because it's who I am." I whispered into his ear.

He turned his head and locked our lips into a heated kiss. He placed his hands on my lower back and pressed me into him more as I rolled my hips over his lower half.

"We are _not_ doing this here. We don't have time and it's too fucking dirty." Levi breathed against my lips.

"I never said we were." I smoothly replied.

"Your body say otherwise."

"I'll control it then." I smirked at him.

He didn't have a reply to that so he pulled my head down to meet his lips again. We didn't let this kiss become as heated but the needy greed still lingered. We kept up with this until I needed air. When I pulled away a trail of spit had stayed between our lips. Before I could lean back to keep kissing we heard a loud screech and I quickly jumped to Levi's side.

"You twoooo!" Hanji screeched at us. "So cute. Seriously." She panted out.

"When did you get back shitty-glasses?" Levi glared her down.

"Just.... now. But I watched your little... make out session." She breathed out and beamed at us.

"You're a creep Hanji." I sighed out. "5th hour is starting soon, we should go." I glanced at the time on my phone.

Hanji whined but I heard Levi grunt in agreement. We made our way back to her SUV and drove back safely to school. She had to go back to the nurse's station while I had PE with Mr. Shadis.

We arrived at school just as the bell for 5 period rang. Levi had science so he quickly kissed me on the cheek and went to his class while I walked to the locker rooms.

"Hey Eren!" I heard Armin's voice call out to me as I walked to my locker.

"Hey Armin." I smiled at him and grabbed my change of clothes.

"Eren, what the fuck. Where were you?" Connie came over and joined us.

"Oh yeah, where were you in science? Were you okay?" Armin looked slightly worried about me.

"Oh uh yeah. I just didn't want to go." I admitted.

"Aren't you going to get changed?" He asked as he pulled off his own shirt.

"Oh, yeah I'll be right back." 

I held my clothes close to me and went to the stalls. I quickly put on my grey basketball shorts and white shirt. I grimaced when I realized that it was short sleeved and put my sweater over the top. It was November so I knew I'd be allowed to lay in it, but summer was going to be interesting. I quickly came back out and was shoved into a wall by two jocks.

"Well if it isn't little faggot Jeager." One of them spat out.

I recognized him as Reiner from my English class and the other was Bertholt who was in my math class.

"Hey get off me." I struggled to get the 6 foot beast off me.

"Aw, you even have the strength of a fag! So fucking weak." I felt Reiner punch me in the face.

"Hey! Stop fighting!" I heard Connie yell at them as Armin went to get coach.

"Alright twinkle-toes what's going on?" Shadis' voice rang through the room and it began dead silent.

"Nothing sir." Reiner said as he pushed off me and pulled Reiner with him. "Just a friendly game of shove."

Coach sighed and turned to leave. "Be on the track in 5." He called as he walked out. Most of the other students filed out, including Armin and Connie. Some stayed behind to chat a bit more.

"Didn't seem friendly to me." I heard Jake's voice chime in.

I froze instantly and looked from where he was leaning on his own locker on the far end of the room.

  
_No no no! Why here? Why me?_ I was yelling in my head.

"Come on Hammond, you can't seriously defend _this_ joke." he shoved me again.

"He isn't some joke. Come on Jeager, let's go to the track." He grabbed my wrist hard and pulled me out to the field.

"Hey, let go damn it!" I pulled against him. "Ass, let me go."

He remained quiet as he passed the doors that led out to the track and kept walking down the hallway.

"What the fuck are you doing? Let me go!" I raised my voice and began to pull back harder.

He took a ring of keys out of his back pocket with one hand while still holding me and opened the janitor's closet. He quickly threw me in and slammed the door behind him, locking us in.

"Let's have a chat Jeager." He flipped on the light in the small room. "Or let's just have some fun instead." He smirked.

"Move Jake. I need to go to class." I tried walking towards the door but he had shoved me back.

"Eren, Eren, Eren. Are _you_ trying to _leave_ me?" He feigned hurt. "That's too bad." He raised his hand to my face.

"Please. Stop it." I cried out after he struck me.

"What is it with you and begging? You always said "Stop Jake stop!'" He mimicked a high pitched voice. "Man the fuck up!" He pushed me down and kicked my stomach.

I tried to get up and push past him multiple times but he kept pushing me back. After the third or fourth time being shoved back he threw himself onto me and straddled my hips.

"Hey Jeager? Did you miss me?" He whispered and bent down to place his lips on mine. 

I lifted my hands to push away but he grabbed my wrists and held them above my head. He pressed his lips harder onto mine and tried to stick his tongue into my mouth. When I refused to open my mouth he grinded down onto me, making me gasp. I heard him chuckle as he kept at that movement. I could feel tears moving from my eyes because I couldn't scream. He pulled away and noticed.

"Oh Eren, don't cry." He ran his hand down my cheek. "It's because you love me. You want this I know you do." He started unbuttoning my jeans, leaving my shirt on though.

"J-Jake -stop!" I cried out but he kept removing my clothes.

He forced my pants and underwear off, along with his own. He began pumping my member and grinded onto me at once. I let out a small moan naturally and quickly bit down on my tongue, tasting blood. I felt disgusted at how my body still reacted under this touch, even from someone I hated.

  
_This shouldn't be Jake. He shouldn't be doing this again._ I was yelling at myself.

"Eren, I need this, _you_ need this. It's fine."

"Jake... I don't want to!" I yelled at him.

I felt a sharp slap against my right cheek.

"Shut up! We'll get caught and then you'll _really_ be punished.

He twisted his wrist a little more and I let out a soft moan that I couldn't hold back and felt myself get a little harder. He smirked down at me and his brown eyes met my Caribbean ones. He was going to continue but stopped. We heard a knock at the door and a man's voice.

"Is anyone in there?"

Shit, the janitor. We remained quiet and I stayed perfectly still. We heard the footsteps retreat and I took this opportunity to get away. I quickly shoved Jake off me, grabbed my clothes, threw open the door and booked it to the bathroom across the hall. I was still naked as I ran into the small restroom and locked the door. I slid down the cool tiled wall as I let tears flow out of me. I couldn't care less about how dirty the floor was or I was still naked.

"Fuck fuck fuck." I whispered to myself over and over and began pulling at my hair. 

I heard someone push onto the door and quickly shrugged on my clothes. I couldn't run out to the track at this point because class would be over soon enough. I quickly ran to the locker room and put on my black jeans. I heard the door slam open and all the other boys began flooding in. I quickly grabbed my backpack from its spot on the bench and ran out the back door. I ran towards the music class and hoped I got there before anyone else. I walked into the room right on the bell and saw Mrs. Ral at her desk.

"Oh Eren, you're early." She smiled at me, but took in my expression. "What's wrong?" She frowned slightly.

"Nothing." I lied. "Just tired and my friends are full of drama." I rolled my eyes for an extra boost of assurance.

"Well, okay then. Don't forget to work on your project. I know you were gone for a few days so I hope you were productive." She smiled and went back to organizing papers as the other students filed in.

I went to sit in my usual back corner while everyone met up with their partners. I watched the door to see if Levi would come in today and that Jake wasn't in this class. The final bell rang right as Levi strutted into the class. He saw me in the corner and made his way to sit on the floor next to me.

"Hey brat." he nudged my arm.

"Hey" I gave him the most realistic smile I could muster up. "She said a group could work in the hall. Do you want to go?" I asked him in a slightly shaky voice.

"Uh, sure." He looked at me with a questioning look. "Everything okay?"

I simply nodded and walked to the hall with my supplies with him following close behind. We sat against the wall opposite from the doors.

"So, do you have anything for our project?" He asked me and looked to my bag where I kept my lyric book.

"Um, Yeah. I got a few lines down, but they're bad. I also have some music sheets if you wanted to make your own melody." I explained as I took out the papers.

"Okay, do you want to do an acoustic or what kind of genre were you feeling?" He asked me.

"Well let's look over the lyrics and you can tell me what you think." I said and handed him the sheet.

He mouthed over the couple lines I had written down and began tapping his fingers to various beats it could follow.

"I think an acoustic would be awesome for this one." He said after tapping the same rhythm. 

"Okay." I said as my voice got a little shaky. 

"Hey are you okay?" He asked me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Y-yeah." I said as my voice broke.

"Eren what's wrong?" He looked worried.

"Nothing." I said in another shaky voice.

"Eren Jeager what the fuck is wrong." He looked into my eyes to find a hint of what I could show.

"J-Jake... he um... he-" I couldn't hold in tears anymore.

"What did Jake do?" He looked pissed.

  
_He's probably pissed at_ you. The little voice in my head chimed in.

  
_I know he is. I... I betrayed him._ I told myself.

  
_Why do you fuck everything up?_ It yelled at me.

"I didn't mean to." I said out loud to both the voice and myself.

"What? What did you not mean to do?" He looked beyond confused.

"I couldn't stop him... until the janitor came and-" I couldn't breathe anymore.

His expression changed to one that he could piece together what I was saying. 

  
_He knows now Eren. Knows you are fucking weak little boy who can't fight for himself._ The voice kept screaming in my head.

I felt my chest tighten and I couldn't breathe. Everything was hurting and the ends of my vision were turning black. I couldn't hear Levi calling out to me until I felt arms around me.

"Eren calm down. Shhh it's okay." He began to rock me side to side.

"L-Levi... I- I couldn't-" I couldn't finish my sentence even in between breaths.

"Stop talking Eren, focus on breathing." He whispered as he took deep breaths with me.

"I- I couldn't fight back." I said as I regained my breath and vision.

"Shh don't worry." He cooed to me and rubbed my back. "Why don't we go talk to someone? Get him kicked out." He suggested.

"No! I- I can't." I exclaimed.

"Eren. We need to do something! This could happen again!" He nearly yelled, but remembered the hallways echoed.

"I- I'll carry some spray or a knife on me. I just don't want anyone to know... he... he did that."

"Eren-"He tried convincing me again but I stopped him.

"Levi. If it happens again we'll report it. Right now we have no evidence and I have a bad enough record while his is bleached-clean. It wouldn't do anything."

"It's your choice. We can talk about this later, right now let's just try and make you focus on something else?" He held up the lyric book again and I nodded.

"Okay." I leaned onto his side and we began to work.

We sat like that for the rest of the period.

"I'm serious Eren, we need to talk about this." He said when I kept taking shaky breaths.

"We will." I said without looking up from the paper.

_But I don't want to._

When we heard the bell ring we quickly packed up our stuff. People began flooding into the halls, but thankfully we were also close to the exit doors.

"Come on, I'll take you home." He said and grabbed my hand, leading me out of the building.

"I- I have work." I told him as we walked through them.

"No. You don't. You can't work in this condition, Eren." He told me.

"Levi, I'm going to work." I didn't leave any room for negotiation. "I'll... I'll talk to you after work." I sighed and wiped away the last of my tears. "I promise."

"Fine. After work." He agreed and we walked to the library.

 

_Just when things were looking up, I was falling down._


	16. This Is Our End (Final)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is my final chapter because in reality I didn't like this story much anymore, but I'm also writing a new one which has better plot and is a hell of a lot slower to build... sorry if I broke your hearts.

Levi's P.O.V

Eren demanded he got to go to work and since he seemed determined to be okay I let him. I wasn't going to leave him alone for a single moment though, I didn't trust anyone around him. I could only guess Jake had... hurt Eren in a way I couldn't even stand to say. I was going to make sure he paid for what he did. No one deserves to be mutilated like that, especially Eren.

We walked to the library together hand in hand as I listened to Eren's shaky breaths. When we reached the park near the campus I pulled him to stop by a bench that no one was near.

"Eren, do you really want to go? I can just call the boss and he will be more than fine with us skipping out." I told him.

I saw him hesitate before answering.

"Yeah. I can handle it." I could see clear as day he was lying.

"Eren-" He cut me off.

"Levi, I've dealt with this before. I just kind of... not ignore it but move past it." He told me.

"W-wait... He... he did this..." I trailed off.

_Jake has done this before? How long, how often?_

"Yeah..." He trailed off now, looking guilty.

"Hey, don't look guilty it wasn't your fault."

"B-but I couldn't-"

"Eren, listen to me. He gave you no choice, no power to fight. You didn't ask for it. He's the guilty one, not you." I told him.

Life just hates this kid, doesn't it? I thought as we went to sort books.

I was finishing putting away books onto the non-fiction section when I saw a familiar blond haired kid.

"Hey, you're Arlert right?" I walked over to him.

His head shot up quickly and my steel eyes met his light blue.

"Y-yeah." He looked confused. "Why are you talking to me?" He stood up to look at me better.

_Why was I talking to this kid? Oh right, Eren._

"You're in Eren's PE class, correct?" He nodded. "What happened?"

"Yeah, he wasn't in class today..." He informed me. "I don't know, he normally doesn't attend that class."

I sighed.

_No one knows._

"Did something happen?" He asked me.

"Is the new kid, Jake in your class?" I asked him.

"Yeah, he wasn't there either."

"Right. Thanks kid." I told him as I brushed by his side.

I wanted to find Eren to make sure he was okay now, but he wasn't here. I ran into the bathrooms and saw he wasn't in there either.

"Shit shit shit. Where is the damn brat?" I muttered under my breath as I began to worry.

_What if he is cutting again? Did he go home?_

Then I remembered he normally would go to the back. I quickly ran to the door and took out my keys, unlocking the door quickly.

"Eren?" I called out. "Eren are you in here?"

I heard heavy breathing coming from the back corner and instantly knew it was Eren.

"Stupid, so fucking stupid. I couldn't get him off." I heard muttering and followed the sound.

I saw Eren huddled into a ball, sitting against the wall. He had his arms wrapped around his legs and ducked his head down. I could tell by the way he was shaking that he was crying hard.

"Eren." I walked over to him slowly. When I stood next to him I realized that his hoodie was off and his arms exposed, and stained with red.

"I-i'm sorry." He choked out and pulled himself tighter.

"Don't be." I said softly as sat down to pull him into a hug.

He stifled a sob, but I felt his body lurch forward with it. I held him tighter in my arms as he cried. His blood was still dripping but I knew they weren't dangerously deep so I just wanted to be here for him.

"L-Levi I... I fucked up didn't I?" He lifted his head and met my soft gaze.

"No Eren, you didn't" I reassured him.

"But I... I did this again."

"Yes, but relapse happens, does it not?" I spoke softly.

"I promised you though." He near yelled and began to hyperventilate.

"That doesn't matter to me. What matters is you calming down." I rubbed little circles into his back. "Take deep breaths."

He nodded and began taking in larger, slower breaths. I kept hugging him and rubbing circles in his back while he regained his composure. After a little while he spoke again.

"I don't even remember." He looked to his arms and back at me. "I think... I think it was my nails."

I took his hand and inspected under his nails. Sure enough they had blood caked under them.

"Yeah, come on let's get you washed up." I stood and helped pull him up.

He nodded slightly and picked up his black hoodie from the ground. He quickly put it on, avoiding all his fresh cuts, and we left the room together. We went into the bathroom and I pulled him over to the sink. I told him to stand there while I quickly grabbed the first-aid box from the bottom cabinet in the bathroom's cubicles.

"Arm." I said and held out my hand.

He said nothing as he put him arm out for me to grab. I gripped his forearm just behind his fresh batch and poured some water on them. I grabbed the peroxide and put it on a piece of tissue. When I wiped it over the cuts he flinched slightly.

"Sorry." I murmured as I put some Neosporin on it.

"It's okay. You didn't need to clean them though." He whispered as I rolled on a Band-Aid.

"You don't want them getting infected do you?" I looked him in the eyes, which he averted almost immediately.

"W-well I've been fine without doing this... and they-" He stopped talking when he saw my cold glare.

"Thanks.” He said softly and I nodded in reply.

"Can you make it 10 more minutes?" I looked for any sign of resistance in his eyes.

"Y-yeah. Come on." He kissed me on the cheek and walked out. "And thanks... you always calm me down." He smiled at me as we left the restroom.

_Yeah, I think I love this kid._

We finished our final shift and walked out of the library hand-in-hand. We walked in silence until we were halfway to my apartment and Eren asked me a question.

"Levi, are you mad?" Eren asked me after I'd been quiet for a while.

"Huh? Why would I be?" I knit my eyebrows together. _Why would he ask that?_

"About... what happened?" He said the words with hostility.

"Eren, I'm not mad." I reassured him, but he didn't seem fazed.

"You're being quiet and well..." He trailed off.

"Well what?" I was confused. Does he think I'm mad about what happened?

"I... I thought you'd be mad at me for-" I cut him off.

"Eren Jeager do not think that any of this is your fault. You told me you couldn't fight back, you don't have to tell me anything that happened if you don't want to, but I know you weren't willing in this." I told him as we walked up to the door of my apartment.

He stayed quiet as we entered my apartment. I told him to leave his shoes by the door and go sit on the couch. He nodded and sluggishly walked to the couch. I quickly glanced around to make sure the place was clean and went to make some tea.

"Eren, want some tea?" I called to him from my kitchen.

"Yes please!" He called back.

I hummed to myself as I brewed the water and poured it over the leaves. I finished preparing the cups and walked into the living room and the sight I saw made me giggle like a school girl. Eren was huddled into my extra-large red blanket like a caterpillar lying on his side. I found the sight quite adorable. I cleared my throat to make him aware I was here.

"O-oh. I forgot you were making tea." He said as he awkwardly shuffled to sit up and get his arms out of his cocoon.

"Just for you." I smirked at him. "What do you want to do?" I asked as I sat beside him holding my cup.

He thought for a moment.

"Can we watch a movie?" He smiled at me like a giddy six year old.

"Sure, what genre?" I asked as I stood to load Netflix onto my TV.

"Horror." He answered and curled into the blanket.

"You hate horror." I told him.

"Yeah, but you love it." He smiled at me.

"Horror it is." I said with a devious smirk.

Eren P.O.V.

"Oh hell no. Nope fuck this shit." I yelled and hid under the blankets.

"Calm down brat." Levi chuckled and pulled me closer to him.

"She is so stupid, like that fucking monster is _clearly_ in the closet." I raised my voice and gestured to the screen.

"Tch, isn't that the plot of _every_ horror movie?" He sounded bored with the movie already.

"Well, yeah but still it's- Ah!" I screamed as the demon jumped out and the music blared with it.

Levi simply chuckled as I huddled closer against him.

"Fucking hell, how do you laugh during these movies?" I asked him as I hid in the blanket.

"Because they just so so stupid." Levi stated.

I hid under the blanket for the rest of the movie while Levi laughed every time a person died, and there was a lot. I didn't realize I had even fallen asleep until I felt someone shaking my shoulder.

"Eren, come on get up." I felt them shake me a bit harder. "I made food."

"Nngh- no." I sluggishly said.

"Jeager, come on. We can go to my bed if you want to, but I don't want you sleeping on the couch." He poked my cheek now.

"Errr why." I grumbled out.

"It's bad for your back. Come on, get up."

"No." I said and curled myself into a small ball.

"You leave me no choice then." He sighed and I felt him leave.

_Oh god, what is he doing?_

Then I felt my sides tingle and I realized he began tickling me. I kicked out and squealed.

"Levi, stop it!" I laughed.

"No, you should have gotten up." He chuckled and proceeded to attack my sides.

"L-Levi" I yelled in between breaths and laughs.

He finally stopped after what felt like eternity, only because I fell on the ground really.

"Come on, let's eat food. I made some chicken and a salad. And yes, you _will_ eat it." He pulled me up and walked me to the table.

He had laid it out so we were sitting adjacent to each other and took his seat at the head of the table. I sat next to him and began eating, taking small bites. The food was amazing. I has no idea Levi could cook so well. I didn't regret eating it one bit. I didn't even hear the voice as I ate, and within 10 minutes my plate was cleared. Levi looked shocked at me and when I met his eyes I sheepishly smiled.

"I... uh... I was hungry." I said.

"I can tell." I heard him chuckle.

"And you're an amazing chef." I smiled at him.

"Only when it's basic food." He shrugged my compliment off. "Anyone could cook this."

"I couldn't." I told him.

"I doubt that. I was cooking this kind of food since I was 10."

"I burnt my ramen last week." I dead panned.

Then there was his laugh again, it was soft but bold. I loved it.

"How... how in the _Hell_ do you do that?" He asked when he regained his composure.

"Oh shut up." I playfully smacked his arm.

"Maybe I should teach you to make basic foods instead of school tomorrow." He chuckled.

"Oh ha ha. So what should we do _besides_ teach me how to cook, because it's impossible?" I gave a small smile.

"Do you want to watch another movie?" He asked me as he cleaned up the plates.

"Sure. Here, let me help." I got up and took some of the dishes from him.

"Do you even know _how_ to clean dishes?" He asked me.

"Yes I _do._ It's simple. Rinse, soap, scrubs, rinse, dry."

"Yes, but to _my_ standard?" He playfully smirked.

"No one can do it to your standard." I chuckled and began to rinse them. "How about I rinse and dry but you can do the scrubbing?"

"Sure." He took the plate from my hands.

After we had finished the dishes we went up to his room. I was about to go sit when I got cut off.

"Uh, no. Shower first then you can sit down." He pointed to his bathroom.

"Leeeeviiiii." I called to him like a child.

"Go before I drag you in myself." He smirked at the last threat.

"Okay, okay. I'm going." I put my hands up and walked into the spotless restroom.

I turned in the water and quickly stripped of my clothes. I got into the white tub and let the water run over me. I put my arms out in front of me and looked over all the thin lines that marked my body. I hated how it looked. I looked...

"Beautiful." I heard a voice whisper as arms wrapped around me from behind.

I jumped and quickly turned, realizing it was only Levi. I had been too entranced in my thought to have realized he came in.

"You're beautiful Eren." He said softly.

"What are you doing in here?" I avoided his compliment.

"Saving water." He said and kissed me. "And I wanted to see my gorgeous boyfriend."

I kissed him back lightly and smiled at him.

"Who knew you were sentimental." I joked at him.

"Of course, because it's you." He gave a small smile.

He leaned around me to grab the shampoo off of the shelf behind me and poured some into his hand. He leaned up and began to scrub my hair.

"Why the shit are you so tall." He said standing on his tip-toes.

"Genetics." I said is smart ass tone. I poured some shampoo onto my hands and began to scrub his hair as well.

He sighed in content and kissed me again as we washed each other. He didn't try anything sexual with me as he cleaned my body, nor as we were drying off. It made me care for just how gentle this boy was. We put our towels into the hamper and went to get dressed. I put on some black briefs and sweatpants he let me borrow, while he was wearing red briefs with an oversized hoodie, which I soon realized was mine. I walked over to him where he stood in front of his dresser putting away his clothes.

"You look a lot like a girlfriend right now, wearing my hoodie in your underwear." I wrapped my arms around him.

"Oh? We all know _you_ would be the girlfriend, Jeager." He smirked and looked over his shoulder at me.

"Whatever you say." I shrugged and let him go, instead going to his bed. "However I must say, your ass looks extremely nice like that."

He rolled his eyes and joined me in the bed. I didn't realize how tired I was because I felt his arms wrap around me and my eyes got heavy again.

"Go to sleep brat." he smiled and kissed my temple.

"Fine, good night." I mumble and turn myself to bury my face into his warm chest.

There was silence and I thought he was asleep. I think about how I feel for him, how he feels about me, how we blend together. I think about how much I rely on him, and how much he has helped me. I let my eyes slide open as I question myself.

_What could we be?_

_What_ will _we be?_

_Does he love me?_

_Do I Love him?_

_Yes. Yes I do._

"I love you Levi." I whisper and shut my eyes again.

Silence. I feel it slowly spread, filling every tiny crook and cranny in this room.

It's almost painful.

_Maybe he is asleep?_

_Maybe he doesn't love me back?_

And then the silence is diminished.

"I love you too, Eren." He whispers and kisses my temple again. I Love you so damn much."

And a silence fills between us again as we succumb to our sleep.

_Yes. Yes he does._

_Levi Ackerman loves me back._

———————————————

"Eren, come on brat we're going to be late!" I hear Levi scream at me and I quickly take the black toast out of the toaster. "Hurry up."

"Shit not again!" I curse as I butter it anyways. _This is the fourth damn piece of bread._

"Did you really burn it _again_?" Levi asks as he trots in with his bag on his shoulder.

"I told you, can't cook for shit!" I tell him as I bit the black block anyways. I pull a face at the taste but quickly finish it to brush my teeth.

I quickly ran back to his room to grab my bag. I had to borrow some of Levi's extra big clothes because we didn't have time to run to my house. After I put it onto my shoulder Levi grabbed my hand and pulled me out of his apartment.

"Why are you in such a rush? We still have half an hour!" I tried slowing him down by digging my heels into the ground.

"Because. I'm meeting up with that no good piece of shit." He snapped.

"Wait... why?" I was getting nervous.

_What is Levi doing?_

_Is he going to fight him?_

_Oh shit I should stop him._

Our school came into sight quickly and Levi kept marching quickly. We walked into the locker building in the morning about 10 minutes before people normally show up. Levi had made himself look sharp and angry, I realize why fairly quickly. I looked up to see Jake leaning against my locker, waiting.

"Ho, look who _did_ show up!" He called out. He flashed a bright smile.

Levi stalked towards him, his anger clearly showing.

"Fuck you Jake. You deserve more than what I'm about to do." Levi snarled at the male in front of him.

"What are you going to do short-cake?" Jake teased.

Levi paused for a second and I didn't realize he'd moved until Jake held his bleeding nose. Levi lifted his arm again but I stepped in.

"Levi, stop it." I pulled on his arm to make him face me. "You won, he's done." I told him.

"Yes, but I'm not, so you need to deal with it." He yelled at me as he swung at me.

I was confused as I felt myself get struck.

_Why? Why would he do that?_

"Deal with it Jeager!" I heard him yell.

I felt a searing pain on my face and closed my eyes. I felt myself curl up but when I opened them again I was at the high school. Levi stood over me and was kicking my in the middle of the hallway. His face twisted into one of annoyance and anger at my crying. Erwin Smith stood by watching with the rest of Levi's squad snickering beside him.

"Fucking weak Jeager. Thinking someone will help _you?_ " Levi spat out at me. "You're nothing. Just some kid who cuts himself up living in delirium."

"S-stop." I cried out.

"Heard you fucking liked me? Why would I like _dirt_ like you? Deal with your punishment brat!" he yelled as he kicked my face again. I couldn't keep my eyes open to see his face, though I knew those silver orbs were glaring daggers like always.

I felt my face hit the tile and heard footsteps leave. Each time someone passed I got kicked again. I laid there, numb.

One name came to my mind; Levi Ackerman.

I had a crush on him since day 1, today was day 112.

He never liked me back.

He hated me. He has since the first day of school. He and I were never together. He and I never spoke. I was his punching bag, his little toy to paint purple and blue. Carla was oblivious. I still cut myself. I drank myself to sleep and sometimes I didn't wake up for days. I never saw a therapist. Jake never came back into my life and Armin never spoke to me after day 73 when Erwin and his followers beat him up and locked him in a locker for a day. I was living in false delirium to pretend I wasn't an outcast. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to live in reality.

 _It's simple to explain,_ I thought, _because that life was always just dreams. I made up life I wished I could have._

 


End file.
